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just2b
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Default Aug 08, 2021 at 05:53 PM
  #1
I have suspected something for years, due to my own dissociation, it finally has hit me very hard and painfully. I have realized that I can no longer have a relationship with my mother. Recently went to visit her with my son (13 years old) and it started out okay. She is trying to move and downsize from a house to condo. My son and I were there to help. Our last full day of helping, she decides that we are negative, and dont want to be there helping. So she says go do something fun. So I look for my son whom was outside, and hear my mom yelling at my son, Jesus Christ, I asked you to do one ****ing thing and you could not do it!! Upon hearing that, I told my son to get his things that we will be leaving. No contact from her since, my son at the time had cursed back at her saying You dont have to be so ****ing rude. He had since texted an apology and hasnt heard back. I see my life now, it played right out in front of me, and it hurt listening to my mom talk to him like that, after all the stuff he had done for the last 3 days. I am done with her.

Of course, this emptiness that I always have felt, I understand why now. It was feeling like it was getting something from my therapist in the beginning of your first 2 or 3 years. I had not known about the DID so it was chaos. Now I know and hate feeling this longing to be close to her. She moved in March, 2 hrs and 30 min away, so no in person appointments ever! I am deeply disappointed that it happend. I hate to feel so attached to her at times. Atleast I know why, I blamed myself for not being attached to my mom, because of her behavior I never could. My two boys are 20 and 13 and feel that I hopefully can repair some of the generational trauma, and make them feel GOOD ENOUGH, etc. They tell me Im a good mom. Makes me feel gulty still. Their dad is most likely a Narccisst.

I have deep rooted feelings that seem to be more like, well have to do with Object Permanance. Like I get panicky that she is not here, and go look at her house or her office and realize she moved and it hurts. I see her every Thursday and it doesnt seem to matter. Might not even be her that I am searching for, but not sure what I can do about it. Telling myself that I am an adult does not seem to work.

Anyone have suggestions on how to deal with attachment wounds, and this search for someone that is not there and never will be.
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Default Aug 11, 2021 at 08:49 AM
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