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SaraSkyblue
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Default Oct 24, 2021 at 12:14 PM
  #1
It's been several years since I've posted here, hello everyone. I heavily debated posting this, but this is what I wish I could tell past me when she was so scared, alone, and hopeless. And if it could have helped past me I think it could help someone else too.

If you look at my old posts....oof...I was struggling so terribly. My heart hurt reading those old posts. My first post was when I was first diagnosed borderline when I was 19. I'm 28 now. My journey has gotten much longer.

19 year old Sara was so scared that she would have BPD forever, that it would never get any better. I felt that way for a long time. But I have bright news for past me. All that hard desperate work to get better pays off. You did it. You threw yourself into getting better. Yes, you fell off a few times, but mental health treatment isn't linear. Please don't beat yourself up for going backwards.

I no longer fit the diagnosis for BPD! Obviously I still have it, but I don't meet criteria anymore. I hold this as my greatest accomplishment, I beat BPD. I'm not even on psychiatric medication anymore, haven't been in a long time. I can manage my emotions, I don't even remember the last time I had an episode. People can leave me on read and I don't give it second thought. I don't get scared when people leave the house. I don't even really care if people leave my life, if they don't want to be here then go and leave that space for someone who WANTS to be in my life. I don't have crazy ups and downs every day anymore. Man, that was always so exhausting. And my favorite of all, I learned to stop taking blame for everything and everyone. Not everything is your fault or your problem past me, don't diminish yourself to "help" others.

It does get better. I know you were so impatient past me, you hurt so much and just wanted it to end, but patience is my best advice.

My other best advice for everyone is look at who you have in your close circle. I kept falling back into everything cuz the people around me were VERY toxic. I attracted narcissists and they drained me and blamed me, they love bombed me and then ripped it away confirming my irrational thoughts. Once I got an actual support system of people who actually cared I got so better so fast. I didn't have to over explain myself, they believed me. And when I was still having episodes they didn't hold it over me. Over time I had less and less episodes cuz I was rebuilding that fear of abandonment. Cuz my support system didn't leave, ever. That doesn't mean they let me just go off and be wild. They let me be alone when I had an episode and when I could pull myself out it they talked with me and we figured out what triggered it and worked through how to better communicate. I don't think I would have gotten better if I kept surrounding myself with toxic people.

There's hope, so so so much hope. Don't give up. Finally feeling the weight fall off your shoulders is so worth it.

I still struggle with a couple things with BPD, but it's NOTHING compared to the hell it used to be. I still mirror everyone around me cuz I don't know who I am still. But now I'm not mirroring those toxic people. And I still have a form of black and white thinking. I say many things are my favorite, I say "always" and "never" a lot. But I think it's mostly cuz I still feel things very strongly, so in those moments it really feels like my favorite, feels like always or never. I just learned how to manage my intense emotions, almost 10 years later and now I LOVE that I feel so strongly cuz I can control it.

And you know, I'm not even having a good day. I'm pretty depressed (I may have conquered BPD but it turns out taking off that BPD mask revealed a bunch of other disorders. Sorry 19 year old me, but you were upset about having like 4 diagnoses and now I feel like I wear the DSM as a nametag lol) and this is so much different than my bad days used to be. I can see the good while I feel bad finally. My emotions don't cloud everything anymore.

My mental health journey is far from over. But I think I can finally close the borderline door. I wish the same for everyone here. I hope you can take something good from this.

Thank you to everyone who gave me support here when I needed it...even though it's been almost 10 years and those people might not even be here anymore 😅

I guess I'll update my diagnoses here so in 10 more years I can look back again haha. I'm now diagnosed generalized anxiety, panic disorder, social phobia, agoraphobia, OCD, sensory impairment, dermatillomania, major depression, dysthymia, C-PTSD. So basically like every form of anxiety 😅

Thanks for reading, you got this. I believe in all of you 💜 You're valid and deserve great things.
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Default Oct 24, 2021 at 08:09 PM
  #2
Congratulations. That is a real achievement! It is great that you shared it on the Forums too. It will give so many of us hope! Thanks again.
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Default Oct 24, 2021 at 10:59 PM
  #3
Quote:
Originally Posted by Yaowen View Post
Congratulations. That is a real achievement! It is great that you shared it on the Forums too. It will give so many of us hope! Thanks again.
I remember how terrifying that hopeless feeling was. It felt like nothing mattered cuz I was trapped in my BPD. I hope it can help even just one person, just take away that hopeless feeling for a moment, and show them there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
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Default Oct 25, 2021 at 01:04 AM
  #4
Not sure if I have “quiet” BPD or something else, but a lot of your post resonated with me. It’s great to read how much progress you’ve made, regardless!
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Default Oct 25, 2021 at 02:17 AM
  #5
Congratulations Dear past me, and anyone else who feels hopeless SaraSkyBlue! Wonderful Accomplishment!! That’s certainly a great encouragement for many. It’s a great feeling when one can see the changes and appreciate the time and efforts to accomplish things. Keep Up the great Work! Dear past me, and anyone else who feels hopeless

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Default Oct 26, 2021 at 03:47 PM
  #6
Good post I particularly like how you've stopped taking the blame for everything and everyone

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