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jcl76
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Default Feb 08, 2022 at 01:57 PM
  #1
I am looking for some insight and encouragement

Little background from my EX and separation. I was diagnosed with BPD 8 years ago, and went through 2 years of DBT, So for the most part I didnt have any issues, but its always been struggled with attachment during breakups. Has anyone found a good type of therapy that works best in this area"?

I am 45 (never married) and she was 46 (divorced for 3 years)

I have today my ex and I had the best connection that both of us admitted we have ever had in our lives. When we met, its instant from the very first sentence like we were old friends getting together. In our relationship, we always laughed (belly hurting laughs) every days, we shared so much in common and it was just easy for us, and we never had an argument. She loved my family, and her family loved me. Her kids were awesome and was happy that we were together (that I was good for her). This was the first girl that I could see myself with, the first time I actually had a secure attachment ever, and I could totally emotionally invest. Basically for the first time in my life I didnt have any fears in a relationship.

After 6 or so months something didn't feel right, and it felt like we haven't really connected on a deeper level. She was married for 13 years with a total narcissist, so I knew she was working through that, but over time I realized she wasn't very emotionally invested although we were both very happy together. She did put walls up and seemed like she was pulling away. On our 1 year anniversary she planned a trip to see a friend instead, then when we went out she gave me a care that said great things, but she she wrote "this card explains how I feel". I posted a nice picture and comment about how lucky I was to spend a year with an amazing women, tagged her in it and she never allowed it on her FB. I became very confused and brought it up and she went right in "I cant give you what you need" and she didn't ever to get married again, or see herself living with anyone until her kids were gone.

Well over 3 months, we split then I just became my old self with anxious attached and tried, wrote her a long genuine email that she was very grateful for but could respond to it. She would only talk via text and impossible to communicate and it was like she totally didn't empathise or understand what I was trying to convey and always made the same generic comments. "I just offer a committed relationship". I just want it to be easy and enjoy each other". This is just when I tried harder and pushed her further away. I finally read Cure for Emotionally Unavailability" and IT TOTALLY fit everything to a T of what I was going through and why her actions made sense.

Well finally I mentioned that to her, and she got very defensive and now the door, after both of us had such a hard time fully letting go. I have no doubt she cared greatly, and adored me as she did say many times. She even said "no man has ever loved me as much as you did.

I guess now I trying to tell myself that it didn't work out because of me, would I gave her more space or could have done things different. I have so much regret because she said many times, that she needed time/space, but couldn't communicate beyond that. Although she was somewhat working on herself, but deep down I know things would not have changed. I was totally deflated because all the work I put in while didn't reciprocate at all and seemed like she could just cut ties easy.

How can you get rid of the "what ifs", or not still hold on any hope. It feels like I cant see the reality of what it really is or happened
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Yaowen
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Default Feb 08, 2022 at 04:47 PM
  #2
I am so sorry you are in that situation. How heartbreaking! I wish I had something helpful to offer, but sadly I am at a loss. There is a CBT technique that I have used with some success in a similar situation. One imagines that one's brain is a small child in one's care and then one surrounds one's brain with love for every kind of thought or feeling that pops into one's mind.

For example,

I love you little brain even though you are feeling very sad.
I love you little brain even as you feel hope.
I love you little brain even though now you are feeling hope is false hope.
I love you little brain even though now you are feeling angry about feeling hope.
I love you little brain even though now you are feeling very conflicted in your feelings.
I love you little brain even though now you are feeling anger.
I love you little brain even though now are feeling angry at yourself for being angry.
I love you little brain even though thoughts of frustration are flowing through your consciousness.
I love you little brain even though thoughts of being frustrated at being frustrated are happening to you.
And, and, and . . .

I think the point of this exercise is to allow whatever flows into one's consciousness to happen without judgment or censorship and then just envelop it in love.

This technique helps me a lot but not sure how helpful it would be to you or others. Sometimes one wants to be helpful and yet doesn't know how. I sure hope you find something that helps you.

Sometimes the passage of time helps a lot. I hope others here will have something really helpful to offer you. My heart goes out to you!
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jcl76
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Default Feb 08, 2022 at 07:54 PM
  #3
Thank you for that!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Yaowen View Post
I am so sorry you are in that situation. How heartbreaking! I wish I had something helpful to offer, but sadly I am at a loss. There is a CBT technique that I have used with some success in a similar situation. One imagines that one's brain is a small child in one's care and then one surrounds one's brain with love for every kind of thought or feeling that pops into one's mind.

For example,

I love you little brain even though you are feeling very sad.
I love you little brain even as you feel hope.
I love you little brain even though now you are feeling hope is false hope.
I love you little brain even though now you are feeling angry about feeling hope.
I love you little brain even though now you are feeling very conflicted in your feelings.
I love you little brain even though now you are feeling anger.
I love you little brain even though now are feeling angry at yourself for being angry.
I love you little brain even though thoughts of frustration are flowing through your consciousness.
I love you little brain even though thoughts of being frustrated at being frustrated are happening to you.
And, and, and . . .

I think the point of this exercise is to allow whatever flows into one's consciousness to happen without judgment or censorship and then just envelop it in love.

This technique helps me a lot but not sure how helpful it would be to you or others. Sometimes one wants to be helpful and yet doesn't know how. I sure hope you find something that helps you.

Sometimes the passage of time helps a lot. I hope others here will have something really helpful to offer you. My heart goes out to you!
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