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Old Mar 08, 2023 at 12:58 PM
  #21
 
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willowtigger's brain is getting itself into a suicide mode

wt, have you thought about joining a group for grief and loss? Even an online group, like a Zoom group. Or seeing a therapist?
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Old Mar 08, 2023 at 01:41 PM
  #22
 
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wt, have you thought about joining a group for grief and loss? Even an online group, like a Zoom group. Or seeing a therapist?
Last therapist i saw cared more about his paycheque than listening .......... i'm currently waiting for help, i'm on a list

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Old Mar 08, 2023 at 01:48 PM
  #23
 
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I'm so glad you're doing well I think your therapy is really helping you.

Never feeling fulfilled sounds like a good description of emptiness and it also sounds like it would be a miserable feeling to have.

You posted a while back about the laundry, people leaving it sit in the washers. I hear you! What the heck. Once a tenant here left his laundry sitting in the washer for such a long time it got mildewy and stunk badly. I wondered if her just wandered in there 5 days later and dried the icky-smelling clothes. Gross.

Thanks yeah it is helping

Yeah itís annoying when people do that. People are supposed to set timers on their phone or whatever to get their laundry promptly when itís done or switch it over but people seem to always just leave stuff in there for hours. I just go tell security staff downstairs because thatís what weíre supposed to do. Theyíre allowed to remove the clothing if itís been sitting there for an extended period of time and set it on one of the laundry tables, for whoever left it to get it

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Old Mar 08, 2023 at 04:20 PM
  #24
 
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Hey Beth I'm doing well I am not sure about what the emptiness feeling means either, but maybe it means like never feeling fufilled? Like I know some common issues with this disorder are binge eating/bulimia,, overspending, substance abuse, etc I wonder if it has something to do with trying to fill a void one may subconsciously feel in ones life.

I think you answered the question.

For more information: How Do Patients With Borderline Personality Disorder Describe the Symptom of Chronic Emptiness? - Psychiatry Advisor

I remember experiencing a similar feeling when I got major depression about a decade ago. For about 6 weeks I felt nothing within myself. I could not feel any emotion. It was terrifying. It was as if my mind had cut itself off of my body. My belly felt like it was full of air and that there was nothing inside it. I barely ate because it felt like I was constantly falling. For awhile I thought intestinal parasites were the cause because they were crawling inside me.

The only way I could get myself to feel again was to watch graphic videos of accidents. It worked. I spent the entire day crying. After that the depression slowly receded.

I might have experienced something like the emptiness described in the article when I was unemployed and living off of social assistance. Sometimes I felt bored because I had nowhere to go and wondered about my purpose. It was an unpleasant feeling. I no longer feel this. Keeping busy and doing activities or working outside the home cured it.

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Old Mar 09, 2023 at 02:24 PM
  #25
 
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I think you answered the question.

For more information: How Do Patients With Borderline Personality Disorder Describe the Symptom of Chronic Emptiness? - Psychiatry Advisor

I remember experiencing a similar feeling when I got major depression about a decade ago. For about 6 weeks I felt nothing within myself. I could not feel any emotion. It was terrifying. It was as if my mind had cut itself off of my body. My belly felt like it was full of air and that there was nothing inside it. I barely ate because it felt like I was constantly falling. For awhile I thought intestinal parasites were the cause because they were crawling inside me.

The only way I could get myself to feel again was to watch graphic videos of accidents. It worked. I spent the entire day crying. After that the depression slowly receded.

I might have experienced something like the emptiness described in the article when I was unemployed and living off of social assistance. Sometimes I felt bored because I had nowhere to go and wondered about my purpose. It was an unpleasant feeling. I no longer feel this. Keeping busy and doing activities or working outside the home cured it.
Yeah I find myself often wondering about my purpose, feeling like I have no purpose etc I'm doing my best to keep busy though and am going to meet with a career readiness instructor next week to see if I want to take one of their career readiness workshops. So I'm hoping that will help get me ready for working part-time. I'm also going back to college part time at the end of August.

I live in a supportive housing apartment complex, so there's also a lot of activities and stuff in the building too for people to go to if they want, which has been helpful. Before this I was living in a 100% independent apartment and I did terribly because I isolated constantly and that made things worse mentally

I'm glad you're doing better now

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Old Mar 10, 2023 at 12:11 PM
  #26
 
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Thanks yeah it is helping

Yeah itís annoying when people do that. People are supposed to set timers on their phone or whatever to get their laundry promptly when itís done or switch it over but people seem to always just leave stuff in there for hours. I just go tell security staff downstairs because thatís what weíre supposed to do. Theyíre allowed to remove the clothing if itís been sitting there for an extended period of time and set it on one of the laundry tables, for whoever left it to get it

It's great that security is there. I have actually removed laundry myself. We have 29 apartments and 4 washing machines/4 dryers.
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Old Mar 10, 2023 at 12:30 PM
  #27
 
Thank you for that article @The_little_didgee. I think I'm getting an idea of what "chronic emptiness" means. Also, I can now better understand why people SH...possibly to self-punish, but also to create a feeling. I think there are very subtle, but important, differences between expressing a feeling and attempting to create a feeling or experience that one is disconnected from.

On the BD subforum some of us have been discussing our desire for hypomania. Such a desire is sort-of like trying to create a feeling, but I think it's more of a desire to feel extremely good, like a feeling of being high. Again, the difference is subtle, but it's there.

A really good article. Also, I appreciate that you shared the way you felt when very depressed. It sounds miserable and a very scary experience for you. I'm happy to hear that you're doing much better.
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Old Mar 10, 2023 at 02:06 PM
  #28
 
I', getting into a panicked state cause i know for a fact i cannot swim for fudge, toffee, crap or anything else anyone wants to add, my arms and legs refuse to work together in the water, which could easily lead to be being a drowned

its been years since i was last in a swimming pool cause i know i cannot swim for crap

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Old Mar 11, 2023 at 03:21 PM
  #29
 
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I', getting into a panicked state cause i know for a fact i cannot swim for fudge, toffee, crap or anything else anyone wants to add, my arms and legs refuse to work together in the water, which could easily lead to be being a drowned

its been years since i was last in a swimming pool cause i know i cannot swim for crap

I'm sorry, wt. I think I'm the only person in California who doesn't know how to swim When I was a little girl I was sent for swimming lessons at our neighborhood pool, but the instructor pushed me in the pool really hard. I was so startled that my mind wouldn't let me learn how to swim. I love pools, though. I swim under water.

Why do you have to be in a pool?
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Old Mar 11, 2023 at 03:40 PM
  #30
 
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I'm sorry, wt. I think I'm the only person in California who doesn't know how to swim When I was a little girl I was sent for swimming lessons at our neighborhood pool, but the instructor pushed me in the pool really hard. I was so startled that my mind wouldn't let me learn how to swim. I love pools, though. I swim under water.

Why do you have to be in a pool?
its just stuff i was remembering, first time i remember being in a swimming pool was one of the few times my dad had bothered to show up to take me and my older brother out somewhere, he took us swimming, then got mad at me for having to be in the baby end of the pool cause i have never ever been able to swim, as soon as my feet leave the pool floor i completely panic

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Old Mar 12, 2023 at 04:41 PM
  #31
 
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its just stuff i was remembering, first time i remember being in a swimming pool was one of the few times my dad had bothered to show up to take me and my older brother out somewhere, he took us swimming, then got mad at me for having to be in the baby end of the pool cause i have never ever been able to swim, as soon as my feet leave the pool floor i completely panic

I'm so sorry. My dad was also absentee and neglectful.
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Old Mar 12, 2023 at 04:56 PM
  #32
 
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I'm so sorry. My dad was also absentee and neglectful.
my dad's a sexist pig turd (or is that offensive - to the turd the pig i said did?)

major major major major trigger warning - do not open the trigger box if you don't feel able to read something potentially majorly triggering

i better put dots below it as well actually just to make sure nobody reads it by accident

.
.

is tht enough dots to push the trigger box out of everyone's way? so nobody opens it by accident?

better put a few more

.
.

if it doesnt rain it pours, through looking up my exes to see how they are doing in their lives, found out that the latest one from 2011) has multiple times
Possible trigger:


.
.
enough dots now i hope

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"true courage is about knowing not when to take a life but when to spare one" Gandalf - The Hobbit
"There are some days, dark and bitter Seems we haven't got a prayer But a prayer for something better Is the one thing we all share" Someday - Disney Hunchback of Notre Dame
"If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever" for my angel girl flying high
The future will not remember, the past does not forget
Please don't put me on ignore list thanks

Last edited by bluekoi; Mar 12, 2023 at 11:47 PM.. Reason: Remove unnecessary gaps in post.
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Old Mar 12, 2023 at 06:03 PM
  #33
 
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Thank you for that article @The_little_didgee. I think I'm getting an idea of what "chronic emptiness" means. Also, I can now better understand why people SH...possibly to self-punish, but also to create a feeling. I think there are very subtle, but important, differences between expressing a feeling and attempting to create a feeling or experience that one is disconnected from.

On the BD subforum some of us have been discussing our desire for hypomania. Such a desire is sort-of like trying to create a feeling, but I think it's more of a desire to feel extremely good, like a feeling of being high. Again, the difference is subtle, but it's there.

A really good article. Also, I appreciate that you shared the way you felt when very depressed. It sounds miserable and a very scary experience for you. I'm happy to hear that you're doing much better.

I'm not an expert but there seems to be different reasons to self harm, such as dissociation, frustration, other overwhelming feelings, OCD, interpersonal conflict, lack of communication skills, major depression etc.... Sometimes medication can cause SI especially if they cause delirium and agitation.

Self injury (cutting skin) was once hidden and usually took place in the institutional setting. Apparently it was rare until the 1980s. I never heard of this until 1994 when I was in the hospital. Almost everyone there was doing it.

I can understand your desire to experience hypomania. When I started taking Cipralex it made me high for about 4 weeks. I liked the confidence it gave me, but it was hard to focus and stay on topic.

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Old Mar 12, 2023 at 06:20 PM
  #34
 
Iím doing okay today, I have a major headache from either or a combo of PMS and caffeine withdrawal. I cut myself down recently from 6 cups of caffeinated coffee a day to barely any caffeine. So I gave in and bought myself a coke today, I donít usually drink soda but I felt I needed the caffeine. I took ibuprofen just now and am hoping that helps.

I isolated the entire weekend. I donít feel bad mentally though. Iím in a relatively good mood. I spent a lot of time reading a book series Iím reading.

I did feel a bit agitated and anxious today but again that could be from PMS and/or caffeine withdrawal.

Going to try to socialize more during the upcoming week. I do feel lonely sometimes

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Old Mar 12, 2023 at 06:28 PM
  #35
 
Iíve started meditating regularly again and itís been very helpful. Trying to do it every day for 8 weeks straight then see what the benefits over that time period are. Apparently it takes 8 weeks of daily meditation practice to start seeing significant benefits. Obviously there are immediate benefits with every single meditation session.

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Old Mar 14, 2023 at 02:51 AM
  #36
 
Iím not doing well. I ran out of my Thorazine so I got zero sleep tonight, I canít get to the pharmacy till later in the morning when they open. Thereís a huge snowstorm, 20 inches so Iíll have to walk there in that. Iíve just been laying here crying and thinking about how much I hate myself. I keep dissociating really badly. It happened for like 4 hours yesterday. Im sick of it happening. Itís happening more frequently lately. I just feel like isolating from everyone and everything.

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Old Mar 15, 2023 at 11:29 AM
  #37
 
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Iím not doing well. I ran out of my Thorazine so I got zero sleep tonight, I canít get to the pharmacy till later in the morning when they open. Thereís a huge snowstorm, 20 inches so Iíll have to walk there in that. Iíve just been laying here crying and thinking about how much I hate myself. I keep dissociating really badly. It happened for like 4 hours yesterday. Im sick of it happening. Itís happening more frequently lately. I just feel like isolating from everyone and everything.

I'm so sorry, Birdie
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Old Mar 15, 2023 at 01:51 PM
  #38
 
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Iím not doing well. I ran out of my Thorazine so I got zero sleep tonight, I canít get to the pharmacy till later in the morning when they open. Thereís a huge snowstorm, 20 inches so Iíll have to walk there in that. Iíve just been laying here crying and thinking about how much I hate myself. I keep dissociating really badly. It happened for like 4 hours yesterday. Im sick of it happening. Itís happening more frequently lately. I just feel like isolating from everyone and everything.

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I'm sorry blue

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Old Mar 15, 2023 at 02:44 PM
  #39
 
Thanks Beth and Willow, I'm doing better now. I got my thorazine refill yesterday and finally slept last night. Also had a meeting with a career readiness instructor today so I'm starting the process to eventually working part time

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Old Mar 15, 2023 at 02:50 PM
  #40
 
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Thanks Beth and Willow, I'm doing better now. I got my thorazine refill yesterday and finally slept last night. Also had a meeting with a career readiness instructor today so I'm starting the process to eventually working part time

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"If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever" for my angel girl flying high
The future will not remember, the past does not forget
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