Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

Oh yeah I forgot to mention I’m still volunteering with the place I mentioned in previous posts on this thread, with the cats. It’s going well. I love meeting all the kitties, taking care of them, and playing with them. One time I got extremely dissociated during it because it was an extremely stressful day. One of the cats was acting up and I didn’t know what to do. I texted the lady in charge of the organization (I’m always the only person there, aside from the actual employees in petsmart) and she told me what to do and I was able to do it and got the cat down from up above the cages near the ceiling (she wouldn’t come down and kept hissing and screaming if I tried to take her down

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Aww i hope she was okay and i hope you didnt get scratched or bit

Jackson Galaxy has some good stuff on youtube, if you need cat tips

[iscreamparty]

Dissociated. Have to manage to drive to PHP though.

[MuddyBoots]

Funny but vulgar so I'll put it in a trigger box

Possible trigger:

Life sucks a **** but you're the mf throat GOAT.

found my will to live for five whole minutes

[iscreamparty]

I don't really want to go back to my old job as a vet assist. I took some time off to get some depression under control, and now I don't want to go back. I want to become a pediatric nurse. I'm already looking at classes. Stickers for all!

[MuddyBoots]

@iscreamparty do you find in Boston your treatment providers treat you like absolute shyt for having BPD and the things you do because of it? I'm getting state treatment in NH and since I got dx'd my treatment has gone down the crapper and I'm looking to move out of state (thinking MA or RI).

[iscreamparty]

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots

@iscreamparty do you find in Boston your treatment providers treat you like absolute shyt for having BPD and the things you do because of it? I'm getting state treatment in NH and since I got dx'd my treatment has gone down the crapper and I'm looking to move out of state (thinking MA or RI).

I'm new to the diagnosis and treatment in general, and my therapist specializes in BPD, so far I have not encountered any sort of stigma or poor treatment. My therapist says it's really good that I'm in treatment trying to get better.

[MuddyBoots]

Maybe my team is just pissed because for a few months I was self-destructing to death with no desire to stop. I haven't really seen my regular T/CW/pdoc lately so maybe now that I'm in "recovery mode" for the 649324x, they'll consider me a human again. Or they'll just see it as "she's just giving another half assed attempt to get better for the 649324th time."

"Don't confront me with my failures/I had not forgotten them."- Jackson Browne

[iscreamparty]

I am dreading work today. Animal hospital's going under new management so I'm expected to attend a meeting about it and some new duties. I'm just telling them I quit. I can't deal with seeing half the crap I see anymore.

[iscreamparty]

I had a chance to sleep in because I told them I wouldn't be working under new management, so they said this morning they were supposed to explain/train me, but since now they don't have to, they won't and I don't have to be in until noon.

Two weeks left. I can do this. I'll think of dissociation as a superpower.

[MuddyBoots]

This is me rn. I thought I had a bad flu and my doc was freaking out like "your liver is not livering" or something. Went to an AA meeting, found an old friend from IOP who had an extra ticket to a show and invited me so we went to his place where he drank like a whole bottle of tequila then drove us to the show (super bad I know but he wouldn't let me drive his truck and I had been getting rides everywhere for like a week now because I'm not trusted ). My mom is piss testing me again because I've been picking the hell out of my face, hands, arms, anywhere accessible really (med side effects I think?). I'm on like day 11 of my second period in two years too so that's definitely normal. I'm just going with the flow.

[iscreamparty]

I see why the suicide rate for veterinarians is so high

[iscreamparty]

I have the day off, thankfully, to get my eyes checked and go to therapy later on. I think I'm going to become a yoga instructor when I'm done with this godforsaken place which will be precisely on November 10th

I'm getting tired of being alone. There is this big void in my heart. I want to love. I really am a very affectionate person. Just a little damaged, and working on it. I think quitting is a really good step for my mental health. If I didn't have the greatest coworker in the entire world, I would probably have PTSD from my job.

[MuddyBoots]

I'm the worst human being to ever walk this planet. Everybody wants me gone, so I will just slowly disappear.

[MuddyBoots]

I'm not going to therapy Friday. If she calls wondering where I am I'll just say I'm too busy being sick and homeless.

[iscreamparty]

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots

I'm the worst human being to ever walk this planet. Everybody wants me gone, so I will just slowly disappear.

I'll kick their butts

[MuddyBoots]

Originally Posted by iscreamparty

I'll kick their butts

[stahrgeyzer]

Giving today another chance only bc I'm too afraid to go to the forest to fade away, at least for now.

[iscreamparty]

Originally Posted by stahrgeyzer

Giving today another chance only bc I'm too afraid to go to the forest to fade away, at least for now.

Forests are lovely for escapes, not fading away.
Proud of you

[Blue_Bird]

Haven't posted in this thread in a long time. A lot has happened since then. I got a job at a retail place a little over two months ago, it's my first job. I'm a cashier and also a talent recruiter. So the talent recruiter portion is me interviewing people, choosing which one's would be a good candidate for employment and giving their application to the hiring manager to be hired, and also running job orientations and training for new employees. I had this past week off due to needing to take time off for mental health but I go back in tomorrow. I'm also volunteering with the cats at the cat rescue place. I stopped for awhile because work got in the way but now I have a set schedule at work so I can volunteer at the cat place on Tuesdays. I am doing better in terms of mood swings, but still struggling with impulsivity, such as spending too much money, and quitting my job last week (I got it back immediately because I explained that I needed the week off for medical reasons (basically I was burnt out, extremely stressed and feeling impulsive so I called to turn in my resignation but I called the next day and let them know the medical issue (aka mental health) wouldn't be long term so I can be back Monday. They said that's great and I could have this week off. I'm honestly glad to be going back tomorrow though because I feel kinda lost without the structure and sense of purpose. So yeah.... my main goal now is to NOT impulsively quit my job ever again. That one time was a mistake and I'm glad I recognized that quickly and that they were glad to have me back. I still have my position and don't have to reapply or anything beause they hadn't processed my resignation by time I called back to tell them I could be back in Monday/tomorrow. Never doing that again though. I feel stupid for having done it in the first place.

I'm also still taking violin lessons and those are going well. And still in a relationship, my bf and I have been together 7 months now, we had dated previously like 10 years ago after we graduated from the same high school but just started dating again 7 months ago.

[stahrgeyzer]

Life's been too hard lately. I'm just so tired of this intense overwhelming feeling that I'm always hanging on by a thread. Sometimes I wonder if it would be easier to just let go and go to the forest. It would be very cold in the winter. Feeling trapped with no options.

I'm professionally diagnosed with BPD among other disorders but it's what I've always scored the highest in online tests, by a long shot. Even though it's slow here I'd like to post daily check-ins.

[stahrgeyzer]

...actually that's not true. I just looked at my online test scores and I score highest for Avoidant Personality Disorder, and my T also diagnosed me with that. It seems like such a rare disorder that I rarely think about it.

[stahrgeyzer]

Feeling very stressed and worried about my future. Very soon I have to leave this airbnb. It's a zillion times more expensive than I can afford. The next airbnb I already paid for put on my credit card is about half the price. It looks rundown but at least it's in a safe neighborhood. It's a bedroom and I have to live with two guys which makes me very very nervous. I just have to remember the best lesson and gift every given to me by my best friend ever who past away. My kitty cat. She showed me what strength and calmness is

[stahrgeyzer]

Last night was horrible. That's all I'm gonna say about it.


I don't know if Avoidant Personality Disorder is rare. It's just that that part of the forum here is very slow. BPD area is kinda slow as well. Why did I have to get disorders that are so slow in forums. And I was diagnosed with DID which is another slow forum. But I was also diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. It's kinda slow area of the forum as well. How can I have so many diagnoses????????????? I resonate big with avoidant personality, bpd, and DID. Not so much with schizoaffective disorder.


I want so much to just let go of everything and go to the forest but there are so many intense fears. Fear there might be an afterlife. Fear of loneliness. Fear of the pitch dark winter coldness sitting in a tent night after night with mountain lions and bears. But at least the Sasquatch people are incredibly nice to me. I sound crazy but they are real.

Not sure if this is part of my bpd but I still have this overwhelming out of this world intense desire to help the world. At least something didn't die in me, yet. Probably the most painful death was when I lost my spirituality cause by overthinking and anger towards this reality/world. Just feeling so dead. I remember when I used to write volumes for all of my social media About me sections. Too much passion, perhaps. And now IDGAF anymore about anything!!!!!!


Sorry for ranting

[stahrgeyzer]

I just heard a voice say go to the forest. People associate voices with schizophrenia or schizoaffective disorder but I know it's also BPD and of course DID.

Wish I knew what to do...

[stahrgeyzer]

Just posted this in avoidant personality disorder area but there's nobody there and since this might be a bpd trait thought to ask here if anyone is gonna spend christmas and new years alone. I try so hard to avoid people but then when forced to encounter people (banks, stores) I talk their heads off.

Idk it's pretty slow here as well