Reaching a BPD loved one

I've taken a lot, a lot, of anger and blame from my wife for about 10 years.

It has absolutely gotten worse in the last 3 years. She has totally immersed herself with new friends who are very anti-male. Men are stupid and ripe for the picking, you can always find one to do things for you. You don't need a husband. She has also been drinking wine throughout the day for the last several years. I have rarely seen her intoxicated, but it is a near constant trickle of wine.

In the last three years she has become fast and reckless with her driving as well, to the point that the kids won't get in the car with her.

She's had multiple attempts are re-education and re-inventing herself for her career and hasn't finished any of them or moved forward.

She has accused me of outrageous things. She has had multiple significant memory gaps, and they are universally explained away as me lying and manipulating her.

She had a traumatic childhood. She was always super sensitive and high maintenance, but the last three years it's been unreal. She has very much isolated herself from the kids and has spent hours and hours each day on the phone with her new friends.

It was just in the past year that my counselor told me she strongly suspected my wife had BPD. Concurrently two of our kids who go to counselling were told by their counselors that their mom had strong BPD traits from what was described by the kids.

My wife moved out of the house in January, convinced that I was gaslighting and abusing her. The kids won't go near her.

So, right now, I think her world is collapsing. Her kids have gone no-contact. She has never been able to hold a job for long and has relied on me for income. If I have the kids she won't get support payments from me. She can't afford to rent and live on her own. She'll be out of money soon, I'm sure.

I've told her throughout all this that I loved her, that I don't want to be divorced, and that if she committed to getting help I'd work with her to come home.

My conditions are; get serious therapy, no alcohol, and the toxic friends have to go.

I love her. I think she is a good person. I think she's in profound mental and emotional pain, and she is on the verge of losing everything.

If I get forced out of our family home by the court, me and the kids are probably moving to another town about 5 hours away, because I have work opportunities there, lots of old friends to rely on, and housing is cheaper there. My wife would lose all contact and future contact with our kids, but I'm done worrying about her financially. She is financially ruining me and the kids' futures.

How do you get through to someone in this state of mind?

Can they be reached? Or do you just let them crash?


Thanks,

Sounds like you’ve been reaching out. You just gotta let her crash. Even then she may blame you and the kids. I think you conditions are good ones, serious therapy with a therapist that specializes in bpd.

Nammu

Our oldest is a young man now, done high school.

Several years ago I began telling my wife, I'll ignore these things so long as they stop, but you have to acknowledge them to the kids. You can't expect them to bend their reality to you.

She refused completely, saying that I'd turned the oldest against her and that he was delusional.

This is a terrible disorder. I've said all along, I can see her, the real her, and she's beautiful and in pain. She's progressively taken everything apart; relationships with the kids, finances, and pressuring the court to make me sell the house.... Which means we move away.

Through all this she's the injured one that was subjected to terrible treatment.

I've reiterated throughout, I don't want her to go, I want to be married.

She says that is love bombing, harassment, and manipulation. So I stopped.

I just don't know if there is a way to communicate to a person with BPD that they "hear" better.