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moose260
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Confused Jun 08, 2023 at 09:13 AM
  #1
His mental health hasn't been good lately and i've been trying to support him however i can. He told me he constantly has a "push and pull" mentality about me, sometimes he loves me and other times he despises me with "everything in his being" and i tried not to get offended as i'm used to him often seeming angry at me and telling me to go away etc. I'm quite patient and I don't blame him, i just try to help him. I always let him know that i love him and i'm there for him. Basically i'm looking for advice for making a relationship with someone with bpd work.
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Default Jun 08, 2023 at 07:52 PM
  #2
It can be challenging to deal with borderline personality disorder.

"Splitting" is common in bpd. It sounds like he sees you as "all good", then as "all bad".


Does your partner have a psychologist? Or a professional who can offer DBT therapy? Does he have a psychiatrist? Taking meds?

You need to look after your own mental health first and foremost.

Hopefully someone else here on this forum can give you advice, but you might want to examine whether staying in the relationship is worth it.

Although some people prefer not to use the term "codependent", but you might want to look that up and see whether you fit the description and what you can do about it. See whether or not you have the "savior complex".

One thing for sure is that your partner needs to take responsibility for his mental health. It's not your job to prop him up all the time.


Hope things get better for you... and for him...

Best wishes to you.
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Default Jun 09, 2023 at 01:28 PM
  #3
Thank you. I'd definitely describe myself as co-dependent but I have worked on myself a lot and i try to take care of myself. He doesn't see a psychologist cos he doesn't trust them. He says he works best sorting his problems out by himself and that he was much worse mentally in his past relationship which is fair enough. It sounds like he has gotten a lot better which is good but right now he's struggling.
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Default Jun 09, 2023 at 01:37 PM
  #4
I'm sorry to hear that he's struggling, moose.

But he really should be seeing a psychologist to do DBT, as one mode of therapy.

You need to put on your own proverbial oxygen mask first and take good care of yourself.

How long have you been in the relationship?
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Default Jun 11, 2023 at 09:47 AM
  #5
About 8 months. I do feel strong in myself. I've realised there's really nothing more i can do to help him other than what i'm already doing. I'm just hoping it improves. He said he's felt like this before but never this bad. I can't and wouldn't force him to see a psychologist to be honest. People i know think i should leave because he's pretty much verbally abusive right now because of bottling things up and taking it out on me. I've learnt not to get emotional about it. He doesn't want to be like this but he doesn't know how to stop feeling like he does. I care about him more than anyone so i look past it and stay with him, hoping things will improve. I don't think he'd be better off without me and i don't want to give up on him when he needs me the most.
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Default Jun 11, 2023 at 12:05 PM
  #6
Please know that you can't change anyone, that they have to do that themselves.

Not sure of your ages, but 8 months is still generally the "honeymoon phase" and you're getting a lot of grief. Don't let guilt hold you back from leaving...


Are you seeing a psychologist? If not, maybe it wouldn't be a bad idea to consider.


I don't think you should try tackling this alone.

A couple of resources, look up "cycle of abuse" or "cycle of violence", also perhaps the "saviour complex" and "triangulation" in bpd where someone can switch and be the abuser or victim and the other person (you) is the rescuer.

Also, does he use drugs? You could check out Al-anon. There's also Codependents Anonymous that has a Canada-wide chapter that has in-person and online meetings.


I know a woman whose husband has bpd, but he is in therapy and works quite hard on himself... still it is not easy for her. I would say her being so preoccupied with her husband's moods actually keeps her mind off of her own inner void and she'd be lost and depressed not having the 'structure' of her husband's bpd to distract her from herself. Food for thought...
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Default Jun 11, 2023 at 12:07 PM
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Default Jun 12, 2023 at 08:10 PM
  #8
If a relationship and treatment of you is that bad in the beginning, it has no where to go but downhill. it is supposed to be happy and exciting in the beginning and there might be some issues in the future. It’s not happy from the start so I’d say you have to be prepared for it to go worse and stay bad. Sad situation

Also you are teaching him that it’s ok to abuse and mistreat you. So there’s no reason for him to ever stop or improve. I recommend for you to see a therapist. Not for him. For yourself. To help you understand why you are ok with it. He’s not your family or even a spouse. He’s a recent boyfriend. There’s no reason to tolerate mistreatment. None.

So I’d try to work on figuring yourself out. Not him. You can’t change him
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Default Jun 13, 2023 at 06:04 AM
  #9
I agree with divine1966: leave now! and get therapy for yourself!
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