A poem I wrote

Broken when I found you,
Not yet healed from the last injury.
You saw me, wounded, hurting, weak. Needing to be fixed. Pieced back together.
Slowly, meticulously you broke down the remaining defenses, until you were closer than any other.
Avoiding eye contact, avoiding physical touch, obliterated. No secrets between us. Bearing it all to get closer and closer. Raw pasts, deep wounding, sharing secrets.

You taught me to see into your soul, and were angry about what I saw.
You taught me to crave your hug, but were angry to give it.
Screaming, yelling, beating. Words that slice deeper than any knife. Love, hugs, apologies. Threats, blame, rage. Closeness, forgiveness, pain. Then it would start again. Around in circles with no way out.

Two separate people live inside you. I can see them clearly. Harridan and you.
We fought against her for years. Tirelessly, but consistently. We made her quiet, so you could heal. You shut her up, so you could believe.
Until you gave up. She won. She was a liar, she was an abuser, she was the cause of trauma. She tried to take your life repeatedly. When that didn’t work, she took ours. You gave up. You left. You lied. You turned others against me. You lied. You never gave a reason. Not a real one.

The thing you pulled me into, the thing you wanted me to need so desperately, by destroying my defenses…you destroyed so completely.

The damage done. The years lost. The devastation unmeasurable. So far reaching, so very deep. The love was lost. I can not even find it. I can scarcely remember the feeling.

A child forced to grow up. Pain and suffering. Another child left broken. Fading away. And still, what I come back to is, “I hope you’re ok.” “ I hope someone tells you those good things you desperately need to hear.” “ I hope he doesn’t hurt you.” Because I know I will be ok. But I don’t know if you will be. She’s still there, fighting you. In your brain, in your soul. She wants to win. I believe you can win. I hope you believe that too.

@Plainjane83 I am moved tremendously by what you wrote. You have been so much. Grief heals slowly. Letting go is difficult. @CANDC