Borderline in My Life: How It Began

Hello, everyone!

I’m Laura, and I want to share with you my experiences, both good and bad, with Borderline Personality Disorder, depression, and alcohol dependence. Having childhood traumas, at the age of 17, I began experimenting with alcohol to relax or have fun. As time went on, I started drinking more and trying different mixed drinks (vodka, liqueur – flambé or not, beer, wine, cocktails), and enjoyed pushing boundaries. During this period, BPD symptoms intensified alongside my alcohol use—I experienced verbal or physical aggression and fluctuated between deep sadness and moments of intense emotion.

I dropped out of university and medical assistant school, spending nights until morning in clubs and pubs, while sleeping during the day. The romantic relationship I had at that time was far from healthy—both of us drank, he gambled, we argued frequently, and it even escalated to physical, not just verbal, aggression. However, this was just the beginning.

Afterwards, I went through a breakup with this guy, which affected me significantly. I lost weight, stopped eating, continued drinking, couldn’t sleep, and worst of all, I started another part of my disorganized life—sexual relationships with different people, hoping for a relationship. I would get attached to these guys, offer myself to them, and then after 3 days, 2 weeks, at most a month, they would push me out of their lives through indifference (not responding to messages/calls, not seeking me out), as if I never existed.

This lifestyle with different partners and a broken heart kept me going for quite some time, from around 2017 until 2020. Afterward, there were other relationships where I became much more aggressive—I would engage in self-harm.

After all this, I entered another relationship where I suffered greatly, but I was also at fault because I didn’t understand what was happening to me. I was deeply attached to that boy, I loved him; it was like an obsession for me, a dependence. He kept me hidden from the world, didn’t acknowledge our relationship at first, and behaved quite narcissistically. He always made me feel guilty, even when he was wrong. He was always right, even if I presented arguments, but he never hit me.

After years of not understanding what was happening to me, the year 2023 came, which made me realize the need to talk to a competent medical professional. So, in April, I voluntarily visited a psychiatrist for the first time, struggling with suicidal thoughts, alcohol consumption, physical neglect, and periods of sadness lasting for months.I was recommended treatment, which I only maintained for 2 or 3 months, after which I started drinking again, but only beer, not hard liquor.

In November, I ended up in the hospital emergency room with suicidal thoughts and psychosis. I was literally laughing at the wall, talking to it, and then crying, realizing the state I was in. This is where my current boyfriend, with whom I’ve been together for 3 years, was very helpful. He was the one who called the ambulance for me. I stayed hospitalized for about 4 days, during which time my mother came from abroad to be by my side.

Later on, I followed the treatment, but I couldn’t resist drinking beer. So, again, after some time, I stopped it. Fast forward, after the hospitalization in November, I had two more admissions—one in March and another one last month, in June.

Although I continue to struggle with alcohol, drinking daily, using certain substances, not taking my medication, and my emotions are like waves, I am determined to change this lifestyle that leads nowhere.

What I have missed the most, primarily, is the support and understanding from the loved ones, respect and honesty, my parents that are divorced, and my grandfather who passed away in 2018, but life goes on.
I would be glad to hear your opinion, perhaps you have gone through similar experiences.

That’s all about it for now, sending you hugs🤗.

Welcome to MSF, Laura...

I hope you meet some kindred spirits here...

Sorry you've gone through such a rough time and hope things get better for you...

Stopping the consumption of alcohol is a good plan, as alcohol is a depressant.

Taking your medication as instructed is good to do, as well, as part of the self-care needed to get you on a new path.

Before you were diagnosed as Borderline, did they rule out major depression with psychotic features?

Here's some info about it: Psychotic Depression / Depression with psychotic features ASSESSMENT SCALE

If you need help stopping the alcohol and other substances, there's AA or NA groups you can join online.

Best wishes to you... Hugs, as well.