Anyone else notice when it gets really bad no one cares...

....because it's always bad?



But yeah, called my CM trying to explain this crying and it's just "do something positive for yourself today," like what? I'm not home alone so what tf can I do without panicking thinking I'm doing something stupid or wrong or in the way?

Thats why the AA mottos are like, one day at a time, and easy does it.

What is the rats in a maze equivalent of where we are? Dont they usually OD?

Which wolf wins? The one you feed.

I have felt that way before Muddy totally, your mental health person should've hopped in the car and come hang out with you, saying nice things for a while. I mean how hard is that? Get through this low Muddy and become emotionally self reliant over time. It'll all be worth it. It's a powerful goal. Positive! Peace and love to you🙏

I never understood what the intended interpretation of "easy does it" is. Offing myself would be easy, and it definitely "does it;" I've tried a million times before, but now I have a plan that will for sure work. I don't think that's what we're supposed to get out of it though. Being drunk forever would be easy too, and it "does it," if "it" is getting through the day. Going through another fccking hour of this bs is for sure not easy, and I am running out of gas in the middle of nowhere. If the idea is to make "fighting the demons 24/7" into an easier task to "do it," it's for sure not easy to do THAT.

I'd be okay as a rat that ODd.

Yeah...I'll feed a wolf with my dead body and they can fight over it and I won't give a f.

I'm trying to be emotionally self-reliant, and I see why I drained everything out of everyone around me. I can't handle me, and I've had my whole life to this point to learn. Why would anyone else be able to? I've been told "it'll all be worth it" for so long. When will it be worth it? This was supposed to be the summer I get back to the things that made life a little more tolerable, like being on top of a mountain in the fog and furious winds, but now I'm too tired to even wake up early enough to be able to get a parking spot, let alone go up a 3mile elevator shaft and come back down.

I want to know what it's like to have a will to live. A genuine one. Not just a lack of SI, but the thought of "I want to and will see tomorrow."

"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation."

I know its hard to concentrate, and hard to keep going when you dont see the results you want. You do have an excellent mind though; can you be grateful for that, and let that lead you?

I have yet to figure out how to let my "excellent mind" (supposing you're right on that one) lead me (in the right direction anyways). Be as smart as you want, but how am I supposed to do anything with it when it's disorganized, impatient, easily bored, and doesn't want me to see tomorrow? I have trouble believing I am capable of adding something to the world and feeling okay with a beating heart.

I get that I'm on a lifelong adventure, like everyone else, because that is exactly what life is. I'm just having a hard time being in the jungle for so long and accepting that if I put in the effort I might get to a place I enjoy better, but if I don't put in the effort I definitely will not. A "might" feels like I'm setting expectations for myself that I'm just going to get more and more let down when as each day passes I have no sign of getting out of this jungle. Fccking sick of the jungle. I'm lost af and trying not to get bit by pit vipers all day.

I'm gonna go finish my wings before the local tribe takes them from me

What if this IS the whatever, the thing you are supposed to solve?

For a while, i was like, i want to trade places with whoever. Then i was like, no i dont, i dont want to lose a single brain cell, a single thought capability. I dont want to have to put up with one more tiny piece of b.s. from some ahole "partner".

I admit, it helps if you have no more hormones.

There's nothing I'm supposed to solve though. I'm just supposed to live. I never claimed I wanted to trade places with another person. I've accepted that I am my own person on my own path; I just want to...I don't even know. Nothing I want to do feels like it's a realistic thing I can do, and I don't want to tell myself I want to so I can feel worse when I don't.

I just chatted with my CM and said I'm exhausted and I don't want to keep fighting these sui thoughts (well, I worded it a little different, but I'm not allowed to post that here). We ended the meeting early when she asked what I wanted the rest of the week to look like and I just stopped talking because she wouldn't like the answer "it'd look better without me." I know they're supposed to ask hard questions and make you force yourself to come up with some positive bs and show you people get angry when you share your plans to off yourself so you learn to keep those to yourself. I couldn't do that today, and she didn't want to watch me sit there saying nothing.

I know I can get through this. I don't want to. Fcck what I want though, I guess. I want a will to live, but obviously I'm never getting that, so...

Well, that mindset of 'I want to see tomorrow' is a nice place to be in, it feels right. It's basic hope and a feeling of optimism, you can smile there, but for me it can come and go, too.

I hear you Muddy, though. Being stable within or trying to think your way out of hell is like trying to do a jigsaw puzzle - you can see the nice picture you're trying to create but you haven't finished yet because it's one of those 2000 piece jigsaws(!) I just want you to keep fighting. It'd be immoral to tell you to stop fighting and I don't want you to stop just as I don't want to stop anymore. Hang in there, buddy. You're doing well, you attack every problem thrown at you, and little by little the proverbial glass of pure clean water fills to the top and the sediment settles at the bottom. I see that happening in my own evolution and in others. So, that is you too. You're not an exception. ((Hugs))

This was big when i was little.

And here's a good quote I heard today, Muddy. It's not from Buddha, it's not from Jesus, it's not from some famous psychologist, it's from Brian Welch of the band Korn, and he knows what he's talking about. I hope every little bit of wisdom may help you. You may know he's a recovering addict.🙏

"Now, when I think about it, I have lived a crazy life. I've toured the world dozens of times, I've made ridiculous amounts money, I met millions of people along the way but I still felt stuck. I felt alone and misplaced. What I realise is that true peace and genuine growth demand a price beyond money, beyond gold. They require a sacrifice of time, effort, selfish desires, and truly giving up control. Until you're willing to pay that cost, deep down you'll always have the question, 'Is there more to life than this?'"

It's something to contemplate with the open mind.