Welcome to the Borderline Personality Disorder

I hope so. I think I am one.

Hello all!

I am new to this website and i would like to share my story and see if other people feel this way. I have not been diagnosed, however i am in the healthcare field and I am educated on most of these disorders, not to mention I have all 9 signs of BPD.

I will try and sum it all up. I am in my early 20's now but I can honestly say I have always felt different since I was a little girl. I never ever felt as though I could fit in. I feel like everything I say is bizarre and people are kind of like, riiight? I remember in Pre-K feeling this way and having anxiety and that weird empty feeling in my stomach just out of the blue sometimes. I never knew what it was. I did not have this horrible childhood but there were heavy situations that took place that were life changing. My Dad always kept a business like manner with me which was stern and distant and my mother was extremely difficult to deal with and still is. She in fact has always been aggressive, negative, unaffectionate, and either hot or cold .....I never know how she's going to talk or treat me. So with that said- it has been a sore subject my entire life. The lack of interest with me I assume probably is the root of my low self esteem. I always asked for help with my homework and never got it and always struggled with certain subjects. I don't remember hugs and i remeber feeling like more of an annoying burden than a child. I am trying to make this not sound like a pity party! But that has always hurt me.

As I grew up I noticed I was very depressed and not like the other giddy girls at school. I started taking medication when I was 14 and have been on and off ever since. Once I got into high school I started having extreme mood swings and feelings often during the day. Like within an hour i'd wear out every emotion there was, normally with one person- like a boyfriend, mom, *****y girl lol.......I became aware then that I was absolutely an unstable person. It hit its peak between ages 17-21. I got involved with some drugs....did not even think or care of what may happen while taking them....Dated a guy all in high school but we both constantly cheated on eachother.....I would cry and feel suicidal when i found out about him....i'd run back just to have the comfort of him there knowing i was going to cheat on him and he was going to do it again to me. I was very permiscuous for a long time. I attempted suicide by crashing my car when i graduated high school because i felt this overwhelming fear of not even knowing who I was...and trying to go into the world. (This was after taking xanax)

I went to college and had extreme tantrums and panic attacks when I would get home from school. I started to miss my cold mother and could not understand why..... I changed my major 5 times in less than a year....I started having a different genre of clothing EVERY SINGLE DAY...goth...preppy...goth, sporty.....I go from wearing pearls and polos being a good girl- to wearing skulls and being foul mouthed. I still do not know if i'm a girly girl or a tom boy..... Being young and a bit slutty I decided to try and have a relationship with my roomate who turned out to by a liar and also a cheater. I felt empty and depressed, I decided to leave the college and go back home because of this...even after making good grades.

I came home dated losers b/c I thought it was all I could get...went in and out of drug episodes with xanax and drinking, dropped out of college again and by the time I was 20 I was pregnant. It was then I felt the positive change in myself and i matured and started to see that something was abnormal about me- but i needed to learn how to control it. I had a perfect pregnancy and a healthy baby, however I was so damaged emotionally b/c the guy had left me when I was 2 months pregnant and we did not speak until I went into labor...of course I loved him and still do...He has dated other women and it has been very painful. When i first realized he was not coming back I started having these emotional breakdowns on a daily basis- now they are every other day and less intense. I felt betrayed and unattarctive....unworthy....It has blurred my whole outlook on relationships. The father of my child rarely sees the baby which I will never be able to understand. When I decided to return to my previous job after maternal leave i dated a co worker who moved in with me within 3 months and proposed to me within 8 months. B/c I have always been unsure of what I even like I thought I was in love with this man. He was extremely selfish and controlling which caused me to engage in fights just to have more reasons to break it off b/c i was so unsure of what was right and wrong and what i was feeling. I would literally love him one second and then hate him..... I degraded him eventually and everything fell apart ( thankfully) but it still hurt.....and another man abandoned me and my son. For awhile I'd wake up not even being able to figure out what i wanted to eat for breakfast, who i wnated to hang out with, what I liked as far as hobbies, and I could not tell the difference if i was happy or sad. I think in black and white and that's how my daily routine works....if it isnt all then it's none. I still want to be with my son's father and i struggle with the rejection a lot. I find myself just *****ing him out (with some decent reasons) but it gets to non stop and then I hate myself. With minutes I will curse him out and then after we hang up I feel its the last straw and that he hates me and i;ve lost anything i had with him......Im pushing him away b/c i act crazy. I try to make up for this outburst by telling him i'm sorry and i feel the exact opposite about him from what i had said five mins before. It is like this almost every other day.

Here's the positive things now! Yay!

It's been about 9 months of the single life and being on Prozac 60 mg daily. I can finally say I do have a clearer vision of myself and who I am. My mind is calmer and I can control "some" of my outbursts. Being a single mother is hard but i enjoy it very much. I feel like a better mother now. I am going to graduate from college in the spring and have made straight A's so far. I do still suffer from the social anxiety and low self esteem. I can be kick *** one day and feel very confident and within a second feel timid and unsure of who i am. I hate that part. I constantly battle with thinking others everywhere are thinking negative thoughts about me. I try to just say to hell with it! I am thankful for the medication I am taking now b/c I never feel suicidal anymore thank God, and I can promise myself I will def. feel better soon enough. I just wanted someone else to give their opinion on my story and if you think it is certainly BPD. Sorry it was a novel!

Hello BPDers!

This is my first post. I need support working my BPD recovery. So far I have been in recovery for 4.5 years and have known my BPD diagnosis for 2 of those years. Because I am high functioning my therapist did not disclose it until she knew I had the ego strength.

I am also in the mental health field myself and today disclosed my diagnosis to a supervisor--kind of scary, but she felt safe and I am just tired of being worried about what people will think (i.e. that they will disregard my opinions or emotions because "Oh she's just borderline.").

I'd love to make some new friends who have a couple years of BPD recovery going.

Thanks and keep healing, guys!
B1_NRecovery

I love your positivity, B1! Welcome, and you'll definitely find help, support, and friends here.

i have been diagnosed with this disorder just few days back

So happy to have found a place to come and talk!
Im new to psychcentral and was diagnosed with BPD (amongst other things) this time last year. Good to be around those who know how it feels.

New to site. Not sure what to expect, but this is a start.

In therapy for weeks, but unsure of diagnosis of issues. Hoping to learn from others.

I'm new here. I'm happy this exists. I have felt so alone in believing this is what I have in so long. It's so obvious to me..
in short: i have a history of sabotaging relationships, self mutilation for years, alcoholism for years, drug addiction for years- just general self hatred. i feel like everyone hates me.
i'm trying to cope.. i'm finally feeling i may be strong enough, or maybe just sick of it enough now, to change.

Hi there I am new to this site and was hopeing to find answers. I have been dx with a multitude of labels about me. I have been in recovery for many years now. About a year ago I was given a phychological exam for vocational rehab and was dx BPD. I was told by a therapist that had been working with me that it was not that. She said it was all thetrauma I had been exposed to. Then I started working with someone and was told I had BPD traits and tendencies. Again was told no. I saw a psychiatrist last week and well, got asked if I had ever been dx BPD. I started reading about it and I see the tendencies and am scheduled with a therapist that specializes in it and trauma. I am struggling with the fact of yet another label added to the rainbow. Maybe I can find strength here.

Welcome to PC all.

I encourage you to post in the forum below. See you there!

Hi Everyone, New here too. I haven't actually been diagnosed (yet). I have lived and managed many years functioning pretty well, but can no longer do it. I am 44 years old, have a husband and seven children, and have always known there was something "wrong" with me, but I (and everyone around me) have just dealt with it. I was watching a Dr. Phil show during the summer and he touched on some symptoms of BPD, and my jaw dropped. That was ME. After doing some investigating myself on the web for a couple of months, reading articles, taking tests, I am positive I have this disorder. It is SO hard for me to admit this to anyone. But I HAVE to. It is time I get the help that I need, and it is WAY past time that I stop putting my husband, children, and friends though the horrible roller coaster that comes along with loving or living with me. I called the number today on this psych helpline thing with my husband's insurance, and talked to a nice girl who has given me a referral in my area. Since tomorrow is a holiday, he is probably not in. I hope he can see me soon though, because I don't know if I can live in my own skin more than a couple of more days without talking to someone. I am glad this forum is here, and will probably come to read posts, and see if I can attend the chats.
Anyway, thanks for reading, hope being here can help me through this.

i have not been diagnosed but am sure i have bpd too. I have ruined every relationship i have had with family and friends and feel confused about who or what i am or want so can completely relate to you. Tell me more about yourself, i know how awful it is to feel like you have nobody at all xxx

OMG there are ppl out there like me? I'm not sure whether to jump up & down with glee, or run? Lol!

i am new to the site and i am a little confused but i am working on it

any chat sites for partners who are involved with bpd?

Hi there. I am also having challenges dealing with a family member who has bpd. Have you found many chats to help cope?
Thanks

I've already started a thread in the BPD forum, but I want to introduce myself here. I'm almost 18 years old, but I've been struggling with depression and BPD symptoms for the past 2 years. I recently went to a psychiatrist who believes I have BPD, early onset... you really can't be officially diagnosed with a personality disorder, according to what I've read, until adulthood, but many know it's possible to have a 'childhood' form of any disorder [eg, dependency, bipolar, etc.].

Both of my parents left me at some point in my life. My dad, never around to begin with but making a lot of half-hearted attempts to spend time with me; my mom, caught in a web of abusive relationships and a terrible marriage that took her away from me. I've never fully recovered from what my family has done to me, and I strongly believe that lack of structure has lead to most of my BPD issues... especially with men, and imagining abandonment. I can't have, most of the time, normal and healthy relationships with other people; the littlest things make me feel rejected or brushed off by other people. I feel like I never have enough, of anything - comfort, food, warmth, love, affection, security especially, and also success in what I do.

Right now I'm trying to find a new psych and therapist. The biggest issues I struggle with are impulsivity [eg, the need to SI or indulge in my ED behaviors if something goes wrong], rejection/abandonment problems, unexpected and intense feelings of sadness and/or rage, and a very unstable sense of self. I have some other core BPD symptoms but these are the ones that truly ruin my life... Although I suffer with probable BPD, I do have some happy moments in life. But at the same time, I think of it as - it hurts even more having those happy moments with people you love or doing what you love, since you know it's all going to come to an end, eventually. That's the hardest part.

Anyway - I hope we can all get to know each other here, and provide support to one another. I'm praying in the near future for an official diagnosis also, so I'll let everyone know how it goes. I hope everyone here is doing well. You're all in my thoughts.

XXOO

Oddly enough being told "it sounds like you have BPD" has lightened my load greatly! Talk about a light-bulb moment!! When I started to investigate what the heck it actually is.. I actually sat back in my chair and said "OMG THAT'S ME!! I do that!!" I honestly couldn't believe it.

I am just starting out on this very strange journey.. feeling alot like Alice in Wonderland actually, so please bear with me. So much info, so many places to start!

Thanks for your patience

Sway

Doc,
Do most people deny they have BPD? My wife denies it. (3 therapists tell me she is)