[Bunniless]

Hi. I'm 22 and have been struggling with a cycle of restricting, fasting, purging, binging & purging, straight binging, then back to the beginning for about 3 years now. Lately it's become straight purging and a bit of fasting. Frankly, I don't even have control enough now to move through my cycle, it's just pretty much purging and I can't stop.

Yesterday I purged 8 times throughout the day (my typical purging ranges from 5 times a day to 5 times a week, depending on my emotions), the worst was at this party I went to. It was supposed to be just friends but wound up being a large group of about 15 people, most of which I didn't know. I get extremely uncomfortable around crowds more than about 5, especially with people I don't know. I avoid grocery stores and public areas as much as possible. And there was so much food.

I kind of hid away on a couch with my fiancee who was pretty much passed out and nursed pieces of pizza, getting up every so often to purge since the bathroom was out of the way and everyone was busy drinking anyway. I don't really like drinking, myself.

Two weeks ago I started going to an Overeaters Anonymous group, where I came out about my purging episodes (I've never been diagnosed with anything so I'm weary of using any terms). My fiancee was the only one who knew prior and he has been trying to help me the best he can. I would love to get a sponsor and get help, but I have no control over the food I am given.

I have no income and rely on my mother, who likes to buy pizza, burgers, etc. Half the time she doesn't buy any food at all, and I kind of sit in our small shared room and not eat. So while I'd like to pursue sponsorship, I can't commit to food planning. This is the same reason why I haven't tried a nutritionist or anything.

I don't know what to do. I don't think I can stop, and that really scares me.

[AngelWolf3]

It is a hard cycle to break. I dont have any great advice, I am sorry! But welcome to pc. Is there any way your mom would be willing to buy different things, when she does buy the food? Like if you let her know that type of food is really difficult for you or something? I am glad your fiancee is trying to help you, as well, maybe things will get better when you marry? (have a date set yet? )
I know this probably didn't help but I feel for you.