[Calorique]

I have been doing ok. I really really have.

I've been restricting BUT not bingeing/purging which is huge. Usually I cannot have one without the other, I mean they go hand in hand for most. College is going great, my marks are good and I'm on track to get accepted into all my programs for next year and then on to medical school (maybe, I'm getting a little ahead of myself).

My horses are doing great- I think I sold the one that I don't click with, which would be good, and my baby is starting to look brighter and better after a scary start to the week.

Work is STARTING to let up on my hours a bit and realize that I'm in school full time.

BUT THEN...

On thursday I got really sick. Migraine, nausea but no vomiting, clammy. Overall just not good. Friday was just as bad, except for I vomited at night a couple of times. And it was just pure relief. It was like something that had been building up and I could just do it and not feel guilty because I was really really sick and there was nothing that could stop me from throwing up. I had a shower right after because I hate being dirty, and my whole shower all I could think about was that it was back. The deep want to purge. No guilt. No negative feelings, but almost like a high. I had purged (involuntarily at this point) and it was like coming home. And then I thought about putting them back together, restricting and purging and how much it would speed up my ludicrously slow weight loss and how much better, cleaner I would feel.

I feel scared. And I'm not sure if it's because I know that I've got one foot back in the door or if it's because all my brain wants is to purge.

Hello Calorique: Thank you for sharing this. Yes, I have some sense of where you're coming from here. I don't have an eating disorder. But over-the-years, I've had a variety of self-harm behaviors I've engaged in. Recently, I've been doing well at not indulging in any of them. But it's like they're always right there waiting for me. And should something occur that is reminiscent of one of them, it causes the urge to start back up with that particular type of self-harm activity, to surge.

I'm afraid I don't really have any great suggestions for you with regard to this. Certainly, if you have a T, this would be something good to talk with that person about. A group therapy type situation could also be potentially helpful. But, as for me, I just try to tough it out & hope that the urge subsides enough that I can get it back under control. So far I have. My best wishes to you!