Looking back at childhood neglect,loving my inner child.

I noticed this section of the forum is new.Coincidentally my therapist wanted me to talk about my childhood and we have done last two sessions.I was left alone in the house as young as two and aged 4 I walked through the streets of London in the UK to and from school alone.I was punished for anything naughty,like I once went to a friend's house after school without telling anyone I was doing so and the police came looking for me.I was told I wouldn't be hit and would be hiding in my room,my father would shout lovingly come here I won't hit you,then when I got to him he would make me kneel in front of him and slap me across the face.It should have made me not trust him but it was abuse that trauma bonded me to him.

I witnessed him physically assault my mother and sister,my mother was grabbed by her long hair and her head hit against the wall,he did the same to my sister who disobeyed him.He was permanently angry and at home we were walking on eggshells cos he could explode at us anytime.He sometimes went days without speaking to my mum when they argued and every monday morning they'd be arguments when he got home from a weekend playing cards and had lost money,he would end up hitting my mum then too.

My mother was abusive to me in other ways too,expecting me to take care of her when she broke her collar bone in a car accident,I was only eight,she was crying,I felt bad,but couldn't look after her,I tried to tell her I am only eight mum.Ever since then I was used by her to fetch and carry for her,if she wanted something I was to fetch it same with my dad.I was left alone after school,no one was ever home when I got home.I spent a lot of time on my own as a child I wasn't allowed to go out with friends etc I'd beg my father to let me go to a disco with friends,he'd get angry at me for keep asking,he's make me kneel and hit me until I said sorry and said I didn't really want to go and then he'd make me sit in the chair,after a while he'd say sorry and make me say I still loved him,but I still wasn't allowed to go to the disco.It all affected me emotionally and I grew up socially phobic.

I feel that a lot of the pain I went through back then was recreated in my adult life,especially the loneliness cos I had a mother and sister both narcissists that always kept me isolated.This is helping me typing about it here I now realise having cut them both out of my life that I no longer have to stick to their unspoken rules and stay away from strangers.I do not need their permission to have other people in my life and to love others and make relationships.I am free to invite people into my world and to enter their's.I no longer fear this or worry about getting hurt,no one could hurt me as much as my family did.I am free now,at peace and able to love and be loved.

My childhood has taught me many lessons about who it is safe and good to love and who might treat me badly I am a better judge of people because of it.I hope I will only accept good people in my life from now on.

Marilyn I'm so sorry you had to go through this. It's heart breaking to hear stories like this and remarkable that you came out of it to be a wonderfully strong woman. A high price to pay for that. I try to not blame parents because I'm not sure they knew what they were suppose to do, that maybe all they knew was how they were treated as children. Not saying what they did was right by any means. When he apologized her may have had that slight glimpse of what he was doing to be wrong, but it doesn't sound like it really sunk in that deep. I'm glad to hear you have realized a lot of this neglect and abuse and that it sounds like you are working hard to break this cycle. Just be careful with it. Because when we get stressed we usually revert back to what we know to be true and sometimes that's not good.