Unhappy Marriage - Susceptible Child?

My experience may not nicely fit a childhood-emotional-neglect framework, but posting here may nevertheless be valuable.

Among other things, I suffer from long-term depression and anxiety. I have wrestled with the question why my conditions have resisted treatment and persisted while so many other people have reached complete or substantial remission of theirs. Am I not trying hard enough? Is something undermining my efforts?

I believe it is possible the intractability of my depression is in part due to my early upbringing. My parents did not have a happy marriage. My mother was self-absorbed, my father preoccupied with work – maybe it was his refuge from my mother. In hindsight, I think Mother treated me both as “golden child” and “scapegoat,” switching from one to the other when it suited her needs. I was simultaneously her ally against my father and also the cause of her own unhappiness – I was the thing that anchored her in an unhappy union. My parents had no other children. I discovered much later they discussed divorce, but they never followed through on it and never separated.

I suspect I early came to believe I was responsible for my parents’ happiness or lack thereof, and I failed at this fundamental human responsibility. Now, that sounds ridiculous to me as an aging adult, but it was normal and right to me as a young child. The simple realization of the irrationality is woefully insufficient to cancel the early social programming.

One of the results of this upbringing was, in my case, poor or insufficient socialization. Despite a compliant personality, “fitting in” was not a strength. Prolonged social misadjustment (I don’t believe it rose to maladjustment) stressed my higher susceptibility to depression and anxiety. Eventually the stresses overcame whatever limited resilience I had. I crashed years ago and have never recovered. High compliance with treatment may contribute to stability at a low level of function, but not much else.

Although I’m still seeking insights, I doubt any insights will restore what I have lost.

Special thanks to the friend who drew my attention to this new forum!