FAQ/Help |
Calendar |
Search |
Legendary
Member Since Feb 2009
Posts: 10,028
15 15.3k hugs
given |
#1
My experience may not nicely fit a childhood-emotional-neglect framework, but posting here may nevertheless be valuable.
Among other things, I suffer from long-term depression and anxiety. I have wrestled with the question why my conditions have resisted treatment and persisted while so many other people have reached complete or substantial remission of theirs. Am I not trying hard enough? Is something undermining my efforts? I believe it is possible the intractability of my depression is in part due to my early upbringing. My parents did not have a happy marriage. My mother was self-absorbed, my father preoccupied with work – maybe it was his refuge from my mother. In hindsight, I think Mother treated me both as “golden child” and “scapegoat,” switching from one to the other when it suited her needs. I was simultaneously her ally against my father and also the cause of her own unhappiness – I was the thing that anchored her in an unhappy union. My parents had no other children. I discovered much later they discussed divorce, but they never followed through on it and never separated. I suspect I early came to believe I was responsible for my parents’ happiness or lack thereof, and I failed at this fundamental human responsibility. Now, that sounds ridiculous to me as an aging adult, but it was normal and right to me as a young child. The simple realization of the irrationality is woefully insufficient to cancel the early social programming. One of the results of this upbringing was, in my case, poor or insufficient socialization. Despite a compliant personality, “fitting in” was not a strength. Prolonged social misadjustment (I don’t believe it rose to maladjustment) stressed my higher susceptibility to depression and anxiety. Eventually the stresses overcame whatever limited resilience I had. I crashed years ago and have never recovered. High compliance with treatment may contribute to stability at a low level of function, but not much else. Although I’m still seeking insights, I doubt any insights will restore what I have lost. Special thanks to the friend who drew my attention to this new forum! __________________ My dog mastered the "fetch" command. He would communicate he wanted something, and I would fetch it. |
Reply With Quote |
Anonymous43456, Anonymous48850, Anonymous57777, Fuzzybear, it'sgrowtime, Open Eyes, Sunflower123, TerryL, Turtle_Rider
|
Fuzzybear, Sunflower123
|
Wisest Elder Ever
Member Since Nov 2002
Location: Cave.
Posts: 96,441
(SuperPoster!)
21 81.4k hugs
given |
#2
(((((((((( Rohag ))))))))))
__________________ |
Reply With Quote |
Rohag
|
Rohag
|
Wisest Elder Ever
Member Since Nov 2002
Location: Cave.
Posts: 96,441
(SuperPoster!)
21 81.4k hugs
given |
#3
(((((((( Rohag )))))))))
I can relate to quite a bit of what you've shared here.. My parents also had a very unhappy marriage, I believe the paternal parental unit had NPD and perhaps the mother too I also have no siblings.. I "failed" to keep them together. I was only 5 years old when "she" (the Step Unit) came on the scene. It was my fault, I wasn't "good enough" to keep them together Have you read Malignant Self-love Narcissism Revisited By Sam Vaknin I wonder if your mother (maternal unit ) suffered from NPD? (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) I can't believe that you "don't try hard enough" (from all you've shared with me and on the forums) Your maternal unit had an inability to love, imo. I'll be interested in other replies to this thread. Thanks for sharing ((((((( Rohag ))))))) __________________ |
Reply With Quote |
Anonymous57777, Rohag, TerryL
|
Open Eyes, Rohag
|
Grand Magnate
Member Since Aug 2014
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 4,011
10 2,762 hugs
given |
#4
Quote:
Glad you are here to share your story. __________________ "Caught in the Quiet" |
|
Reply With Quote |
Anonymous57777, Fuzzybear, Open Eyes, Rohag, TerryL
|
Rohag
|
Legendary
Member Since Feb 2009
Posts: 10,028
15 15.3k hugs
given |
#5
Quote:
I do have to consider the possibility Mother had a personality disorder, and NPD is a candidate. Through interlibrary loan I was able to read Children of the Self-Absorbed by Nina W. Brown. Material there and the official criteria for NPD found in the DSM partially describe my mother, perhaps more than partially. I am not fully comfortable with my memories and I mistrust them. Will I ever be satisfied with my efforts? Can I be satisfied with my efforts? Thank you, Fuzzybear. __________________ My dog mastered the "fetch" command. He would communicate he wanted something, and I would fetch it. |
|
Reply With Quote |
Fuzzybear, Open Eyes
|
Fuzzybear
|
Account Suspended
Member Since Mar 2017
Location: Inside
Posts: 424
7 |
#6
Quote:
Have you defined what you would like from life? Without knowing, how does one establish the actions required to achieve what one desires? Therapists have asked me similar questions. I had no idea at first. “If you haven’t the strength to impose your own terms upon life, then you must accept the terms it offers you.” ~T.S. Eliot “What a child doesn't receive he can seldom later give.” ~P. D. James These articles helped me direct my efforts for a better life: Definition of Wellness - Dimensions of Wellness Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, Core Processes, Mindfulness and ACT 50 Signs of Good Therapy https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...y-clients-make I wish you well. |
|
Reply With Quote |
Wisest Elder Ever
Member Since Nov 2002
Location: Cave.
Posts: 96,441
(SuperPoster!)
21 81.4k hugs
given |
#7
has the Mother programmed you to never be fully satisfied with your efforts?
I can relate (((((((( Rohag )))))))) __________________ |
Reply With Quote |
Rohag
|
Rohag
|
Wisest Elder Ever
Member Since Nov 2002
Location: Cave.
Posts: 96,441
(SuperPoster!)
21 81.4k hugs
given |
#8
Quote:
I had meant to quote this in my post... I was never "pretty enough" and "never good enough" How can we undo the program of "never good enough"? __________________ |
|
Reply With Quote |
Rohag, TerryL
|
Rohag
|
Guest
Posts: n/a
|
#9
Rohag you're not alone. My parents had a very unhappy marriage. My mother, I think, has narcissistic personality disorder in addition to being a borderline and bipolar. My father, was the codependent who enabled my mother to act irrational all the time. He'd try to reason with her, point out to her that she was acting irrational, being neglectful to her children but she'd just rage at him all the time, to the point where he just gave up on their marriage and they were roommates until he died from cancer. He was neglectful to his children too, because he'd given up on his marriage and his life. So, here you have three small children with no emotional support system, whose parents emotionally and verbally abuse them instead of teach them how to emotionally connect with people through their own actions. They essentially raised three emotionally neglected children. Although my two siblings married and had children I never did. And I'm glad because I'm certain I would have chosen a man who physically and emotionally neglects and abuses me, like both of my parents did. My previous romantic relationships' common denominator is that all the men were narcissists. So, I don't date anymore out of fear that I can find a man who isn't a narcissist.
|
Reply With Quote |
Anonymous57777, Rohag, TerryL
|
Rohag
|
Legendary
Member Since Feb 2009
Posts: 10,028
15 15.3k hugs
given |
#10
Quote:
Quote:
I'm sorry; this is most sad. If I may ask (please feel free to ignore the questions), when did you realize your family was "dysfunctional?" When did you come to understand your mother had these personality disorders? __________________ My dog mastered the "fetch" command. He would communicate he wanted something, and I would fetch it. |
||
Reply With Quote |
Fuzzybear
|
Guest
Posts: n/a
|
#11
Quote:
|
|
Reply With Quote |
Open Eyes, Rohag
|
Rohag
|
Legendary
Member Since Feb 2009
Posts: 10,028
15 15.3k hugs
given |
#12
Quote:
Some of the important people in my life - grandparents and a few friends - also influenced me to share their view of the sacredness of parents and my duty to honor them. Modifying my views and attitudes has been long and unsettling. Thank you, Cielpur. __________________ My dog mastered the "fetch" command. He would communicate he wanted something, and I would fetch it. |
|
Reply With Quote |
Anonymous43456, Anonymous57777, Fuzzybear, Open Eyes
|
Guest
Posts: n/a
|
#13
Quote:
Quote:
It is very difficult to undo the damage done by narcissistic parents. But it can be accomplished. It's a matter of finding the right support system, connecting with the best resource materials (books, articles, blogs, videos) and taking in as much information as possible about the steps needed, to heal from damage done by narcissistic parenting. |
||
Reply With Quote |
Rohag
|
Rohag
|
Poohbah
Member Since Jul 2011
Location: usa
Posts: 1,490
13 1,308 hugs
given |
#14
hi rohag, i meant to reply earlier. i don't feel we are dishonoring our parents if we relate the things they did or did not do. we are just telling the truth.
|
Reply With Quote |
Fuzzybear, Rohag
|
Open Eyes, Rohag
|
Wisest Elder Ever
Member Since Nov 2002
Location: Cave.
Posts: 96,441
(SuperPoster!)
21 81.4k hugs
given |
#15
__________________ |
Reply With Quote |
Rohag
|
Rohag
|
Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Jan 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 26,549
(SuperPoster!)
9 95k hugs
given |
#16
[QUOTE=Rohag
One of the results of this upbringing was, in my case, poor or insufficient socialization. Despite a compliant personality, “fitting in” was not a strength. Prolonged social misadjustment (I don’t believe it rose to stressed my higher susceptibility to depression and anxiety. Eventually the stresses overcame whatever limited resilience I had. I crashed years ago and have never recovered. High compliance with treatment may contribute to stability at a low level of function, but not much else. Thank you for this thread. This is exactly how I feel. Best wishes. |
Reply With Quote |
Rohag
|
Rohag
|
Legendary
Member Since Dec 2014
Location: USA
Posts: 10,258
(SuperPoster!)
9 1,879 hugs
given |
#17
For Rohag and Fuzzy, you may feel more involved/responsible for your parents' dysfunction because you were the only children.
I am the youngest of three, and don't feel one bit involved. That's not entirely true, now that I think of it, I remember a time where she was screaming at him for not doing something regarding me, and I felt like if I didn't exist, they wouldn't be fighting. But for the most part, I recall my mom screaming at my dad over money, politics, his bast*rd father, etc... so I didn't feel responsible. I did not think we were dysfunctional honestly until a few years ago. And I know my mother must have disorders. My father took the easy way out- death at 44. Because I witnesses my mother be abusive to men, I blame that as it having rubbed off on me. This is the cause for my depression. I can't have a good marriage. Bad role modeling. I'm a broken toy. And as for emotional neglect, I wasn't allowed to have feelings, if they weren't my mom's feelings. Yes, she's a narcissist. __________________ "And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!" . About Me--T |
Reply With Quote |
Fuzzybear, Open Eyes, Rohag
|
Fuzzybear, Rohag
|
Legendary
Member Since Feb 2009
Posts: 10,028
15 15.3k hugs
given |
#18
__________________ My dog mastered the "fetch" command. He would communicate he wanted something, and I would fetch it. |
Reply With Quote |
Fuzzybear
|
Legendary
Member Since Dec 2014
Location: USA
Posts: 10,258
(SuperPoster!)
9 1,879 hugs
given |
#19
Quote:
But, I have now learned it was all a rouse to manipulate me to get what she wants. Shyt hit the fan recently, showing her true colors. She holds nothing over me any more. I do what I want. She lost everything; money, her precious possessions... all in ruin. And I just walk away with nothing. The material things are meaningless. What mattered was love, real love, and nothing was real. __________________ "And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!" . About Me--T |
|
Reply With Quote |
Anonymous57777, Rohag
|
Rohag
|
New Member
Member Since Jun 2017
Location: SF Bay, CA
Posts: 7
7 |
#20
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
|
|||
Reply With Quote |
Rohag
|
Reply |
|