[MtnTime2896]

You just left me... left me with him....

Was I really that bad?

What did I do?

[MtnTime2896]

"I'm alone 'cause this house don't feel like home."

[Fuzzybear]

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

You just left me... left me with him....

Was I really that bad?

What did I do?

No you were not bad, what happened was a horrible mistake and I'm sorry. How can I make it up to you?

[MtnTime2896]

Originally Posted by Trace14

No you were not bad, what happened was a horrible mistake and I'm sorry. How can I make it up to you?

It's not on you, Trace. You're a really good friend.

I just don't know if anyone or anything can help me.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

It's not on you, Trace. You're a really good friend.

I just don't know if anyone or anything can help me.

Let's role play it out. Respond back to my post as you were in your first post. Let's talk it out. Maybe it will help, maybe not, but we could try, right?

[MtnTime2896]

Originally Posted by Trace14

Let's role play it out. Respond back to my post as you were in your first post. Let's talk it out. Maybe it will help, maybe not, but we could try, right?

I'm not sure if that's a good idea. The things I want to say... I don't want to say them to you. I don't want to trigger anything and I don't want to say those things to you. You don't deserve to hear that. Hell, not even she deserves to hear that. I just need to stow my crap and move on. I should've been over this a long time ago, anyway.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

I'm not sure if that's a good idea. The things I want to say... I don't want to say them to you. I don't want to trigger anything and I don't want to say those things to you. You don't deserve to hear that. Hell, not even she deserves to hear that. I just need to stow my crap and move on. I should've been over this a long time ago, anyway.

I'm okay with it. I know you are not talking to me but someone who has let you down as a parent. You need to get this out of you and I think you want to. That's why you started this thread.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

I'm not sure if that's a good idea. The things I want to say... I don't want to say them to you. I don't want to trigger anything and I don't want to say those things to you. You don't deserve to hear that. Hell, not even she deserves to hear that. I just need to stow my crap and move on. I should've been over this a long time ago, anyway.

No you were not bad, what happened was a horrible mistake and I'm sorry. How can I make it up to you?

[MtnTime2896]

Originally Posted by Trace14

No you were not bad, what happened was a horrible mistake and I'm sorry. How can I make it up to you?

Trigger Warning

You can't. You can't make it up to me. What happened, happened. And you can't take that back. None of it can be taken back.

You were so ****ed up in the head, I'm older and understand that now, but the only time you laughed or smiled was when you ****ing hit me that Halloween. So hard in the kidney that I pissed blood. I didn't tell you that. You were drunk and it wouldn't have mattered.

You haven't hit me since, but maybe you should. Maybe if you have someone to beat around, you could laugh again. You could ****ing smile and stop telling me how you want to die.

Why do you still want to leave me, mom? Why?

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

Trigger Warning

You can't. You can't make it up to me. What happened, happened. And you can't take that back. None of it can be taken back.

You were so ****ed up in the head, I'm older and understand that now, but the only time you laughed or smiled was when you ****ing hit me that Halloween. So hard in the kidney that I pissed blood. I didn't tell you that. You were drunk and it wouldn't have mattered.

You haven't hit me since, but maybe you should. Maybe if you have someone to beat around, you could laugh again. You could ****ing smile and stop telling me how you want to die.

Why do you still want to leave me, mom? Why?

I said I'm sorry and I truly am. The alcohol made me into a person I hated. I never hated you, you were never bad, I was the one who was pure evil. I'm sorry.
I never knew how bad that hurt you when I hit you. It was the evil in me that made me react that way.
Why do you want me to live? How can I be happy knowing I hurt you so bad?

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

Trigger Warning

You can't. You can't make it up to me. What happened, happened. And you can't take that back. None of it can be taken back.

You were so ****ed up in the head, I'm older and understand that now, but the only time you laughed or smiled was when you ****ing hit me that Halloween. So hard in the kidney that I pissed blood. I didn't tell you that. You were drunk and it wouldn't have mattered.

You haven't hit me since, but maybe you should. Maybe if you have someone to beat around, you could laugh again. You could ****ing smile and stop telling me how you want to die.

Why do you still want to leave me, mom? Why?

I was, still am, ****ed up in the head, alcoholism is a disease I have ...by my own choice destroyed my mind, it was never that you were bad. I was the one that was bad and wrong for not protecting you as a mother should. I don't expect you to understand what I'm saying, it's hard for me to even say it, but you have to know the truth

[MtnTime2896]

Originally Posted by Trace14

I said I'm sorry and I truly am. The alcohol made me into a person I hated. I never hated you, you were never bad, I was the one who was pure evil. I'm sorry.
I never knew how bad that hurt you when I hit you. It was the evil in me that made me react that way.
Why do you want me to live? How can I be happy knowing I hurt you so bad?

You hit me sober, too. You hit me all of the time and I know you stopped. But when you stopped you left me. You left me alone to take care of my little brother. I didn't know what I was doing, mom! I didn't know how to raise a kid on my own! Dad was gone more often than not, he didn't ****ing help me! No one ****ing helped when you left!

Why do I want you to live? Seriously?

You're my damn mother and I love you regardless of all this ****. I still love you and I still ****ing need you. I always needed you and that hasn't changed, not since you left.

I know what it is to live without you mom and I hate it! I ****ing hate it and I can't do that **** again! Don't ask me to do that! Because if you kill yourself, then there's no coming back. Then I've lost you forever, mom. How could you do that to me? How could you ask this of me?!

I'm your kid. So, stop leaving me.

Just stop.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

Trigger Warning

You can't. You can't make it up to me. What happened, happened. And you can't take that back. None of it can be taken back.

You were so ****ed up in the head, I'm older and understand that now, but the only time you laughed or smiled was when you ****ing hit me that Halloween. So hard in the kidney that I pissed blood. I didn't tell you that. You were drunk and it wouldn't have mattered.

You haven't hit me since, but maybe you should. Maybe if you have someone to beat around, you could laugh again. You could ****ing smile and stop telling me how you want to die.

Why do you still want to leave me, mom? Why?

I can't ask you to forgive me....I can't forgive myself. All I can do is apologize and let you know I never meant to hurt you on any level, I'm sorry I was such a bad mother and not there for you. Again why would you even want me to live?

[MtnTime2896]

Originally Posted by Trace14

I can't ask you to forgive me....I can't forgive myself. All I can do is apologize and let you know I never meant to hurt you on any level, I'm sorry I was such a bad mother and not there for you. Again why would you even want me to live?

Because I love you. Because I want a relationship with you. Because I need my mom, damn it.

I haven't even told you all of the things that have happened to me. All of the things these people did to me. Mom, they hurt me... they hurt me really bad... and you weren't there to stop it.

If you're gone.... I'll have no one to tell who I can shed tears in front of.

Mom, you taught me not to cry and so I don't. But I need you here because I need to cry and I need you to protect me while I do. I'm too vulnerable like this. I need you to protect me while I break mom. And I only trust you to do it.

As much as you hurt me, I still only want/trust you.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

You hit me sober, too. You hit me all of the time and I know you stopped. But when you stopped you left me. You left me alone to take care of my little brother. I didn't know what I was doing, mom! I didn't know how to raise a kid on my own! Dad was gone more often than not, he didn't ****ing help me! No one ****ing helped when you left!

Why do I want you to live? Seriously?

You're my damn mother and I love you regardless of all this ****. I still love you and I still ****ing need you. I always needed you and that hasn't changed, not since you left.

I know what it is to live without you mom and I hate it! I ****ing hate it and I can't do that **** again! Don't ask me to do that! Because if you kill yourself, then there's no coming back. Then I've lost you forever, mom. How could you do that to me? How could you ask this of me?!

I'm your kid. So, stop leaving me.

Just stop.

I felt like you would be better off without me. Listen to your words...I hit you god's sake, my own daughter and I laughed about it when you were peeing blood. I was horrible to you. I left so life would be better for you, to protect you from me. I now see that maybe wasn't the right thing to do but how was I to know?
I wish we could turn back the hands of time and start over. We both know that's not possible. I do love you, I'm a sick person and I'm sorry.

[MtnTime2896]

Originally Posted by Trace14

I felt like you would be better off without me. Listen to your words...I hit you god's sake, my own daughter and I laughed about it when you were peeing blood. I was horrible to you. I left so life would be better for you, to protect you from me. I now see that maybe wasn't the right thing to do but how was I to know?
I wish we could turn back the hands of time and start over. We both know that's not possible. I do love you, I'm a sick person and I'm sorry.

You're sick and I get that. I even understood it back then. That's why I've never said anything. You're sick but you're not bad.

I know bad, I was hurt by bad. They weren't sick, they were evil. You were/are different. And you came back and you got better.

That doesn't mean I want you to go. I want to help, mom. Let me help.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

You're sick and I get that. I even understood it back then. That's why I've never said anything. You're sick but you're not bad.

I know bad, I was hurt by bad. They weren't sick, they were evil. You were/are different. And you came back and you got better.

That doesn't mean I want you to go. I want to help, mom. Let me help.

Do you think we could start over? Can you come close so I can hug you and you feel the love coming from my heart? I can never apologize enough for what I did to, and didn't do for you. If I could take that pain on myself and away from you I would. You are my daughter and I will love you in the here and after. You have grown to be such a beautiful and strong woman, I'm very proud of you, never doubt that. I will be here as long as I can for you. Let's make the best of the rest of our days.

[MtnTime2896]

Thanks, Trace.

This helped a lot. It unplugged the drain and let my emotions flow. Still, I'm unable to cry, but I'll save my tears for another day.

Thank you for being here and thank you for being in this position for me. You're a really good friend.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

Thanks, Trace.

This helped a lot. It unplugged the drain and let my emotions flow. Still, I'm unable to cry, but I'll save my tears for another day.

Thank you for being here and thank you for being in this position for me. You're a really good friend.

You are so welcome, it felt natural so it must have benefited me in some way also. Just let those emotions flow, work through them. I would like to give you and your mom a hug, sounds like this was a bad experience for both of you. She has to be proud of the woman you have become, I would be proud of you.
Maybe this was something Alecia needed more so than you, let Alecia cry if she needs to.

[MtnTime2896]

I think Alecia was Shattered's.

One of mine, though, a teenager, she needed this, though. So, thank you from her, too.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

I think Alecia was Shattered's.

One of mine, though, a teenager, she needed this, though. So, thank you from her, too.

Oh sorry about that. Tell her I'm sorry I got the two confused. I just felt there was a younger person talking and wanting that bonding with mom.

[MtnTime2896]

Originally Posted by Trace14

Oh sorry about that. Tell her I'm sorry I got the two confused. I just felt there was a younger person talking and wanting that bonding with mom.

Yeah, that was M., she needed to speak a few times there too. We were both hurt by what happened. She took on a lot of the pain and frustration, though. I just felt the pressure.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

Yeah, that was M., she need to speak a few times there two. We were both hurt by what happened. She took on a lot of the pain and frustration, though. I just felt the pressure.

I hope this will open the door for you and M to talk about this and how to move forward now. I'm glad we did that.