The 10 Lessons of Childhood Emotional Neglect By Jonice Webb PhD

dear SaharaSon,
you lost your mother years ago... whoever died recently was a stranger.
it's a terrible thing to not be able to grieve when the loss occurs, but you can revisit your childhood self, and give the comfort and support you never got then. i find that time is no barrier to either grief nor comfort.

Bit of a late reply to this thread, but after a bit of advice I guess..

I recently discovered this. It really hits home hey. It's strange, my therapist has very barely touched on the idea of my family being a little closed with one another. Not much later, surfing the web, I have discovered Jonice Webb and all of her writing. Is this what has caused me to experience depression and anxiety? Is this all that it has been all along, something so simple, yet so distant from my thoughts...

So I relate to this, just wondering, do I bring it up in session, or just keep going with the flow of it.. Let the T do her job and get to this point eventually..? I don't want to appear like I am self diagnosing myself in a sense.. What have others experienced when facing something like this?

Cheers in advance

I would definitely talk to your therapist about it. Remember, the therapist does not hold the answers to your healing, YOU do. The therapist only helps you to bring them out. Hugs

I would bring it up in a true concerned way. My T likes when I research things and question her about it. But that's just her. For some reason most T's that I have dealt with are not interested in the past of a client, just what's bothering them right now. Which seems pretty superficial to me. Like putting a band aid on an infected cut. But sure bring it up to the T, otherwise it may not get discussed.

Thanks for sharing this. I related to all 10. I'd forgotten that I'd purchased Running on Empty. I'm going to start reading it today.

Should be a good read.

This is me too.

Seems to be a common thread for a lot of us.

It does.

There is a feeling of validation and realness in reading the words.

There is no comfort, but is a feeling of being heard.

Makes me wonder if CEN makes people more prone to trauma throughout their lives.

Yes! Yes it does.

I went to lunch today by myself and thought about this.

CEN layered with trauma and looking for someone to rescue you from what you are the victim of, yes it does make you more prone to trauma throughout your life.

It actually makes your life a 3 ring monkey circus.

Trying to deal with whats going on, dissociating from it in the younger years.

Existing in that and trying to be ok.

Looking for someone to help or rescue you when you don't have the words to say "Please help me!"

You accept whoever comes as a rescuer and it doesn't matter if they care for you or not. You do whatever it takes to make it good. To make it a safe place. Hopefully they will be the one. Not so.

Here I am.

It's truth.

I'm working through it.

Yes it does make you more prone to trauma.

But what about other traumas?

Forgive me. I'm not being ?

What do you mean by other traumas? I don't understand.

I've spent most of my day in a not so good place thinking about this.

I think what I shared was trauma enough.

I really don't understand.

I mean there are other traumas other than what you listed. Being in a bad car wreck, being in war, witnessing bad events.

Those are bad things. Those are horrendous things.

In my mind they pale to the ongoing abuse of people that you are supposed to be able to trust and find your safety in.

To me that is more than enough to be able to deal with.

If it's ok. I'm not going any further with this.

That's fine, we all are entitled to our opinions.

You don't have to respond back I just want to explain more. I wasn't at all minimizing your trauma. Just wondering how all kinds of trauma seem to have this common thread of CEN. That's all. All trauma is important. No ones trauma is more significant than someone else's trauma, everyone has feelings about their own trauma and we are not here to judge anyone else.

Please forgive me. I read what you posted about CEN and it built on itself.

I'm still not in a good place. I haven't learned how to keep myself in check when I read these kinds of things.

I would like to share with you that it's disturbing when someone is just looking for facts or experiences.

It feels like your feelings are not heard or valued.

There's nothing to forgive, you didn't do or say anything wrong. You expressed your opinion and how you feel like we all do.
Why is it disturbing when someone is just looking for facts or experiences? If these type of posts upset you then don't respond back to them. People here are still learning about what they are dealing with and want answers and validation of how they are feeling. It's not meant to invalidate anyone else. We all have our own demons we are fighting and no two will be exactly the same. So we ask questions. We are not mental health professionals, just people wanting to heal.
I'm sorry you still in a bad place, I've been for over a month and just now starting to feel a little better. You might want to ask what upsets you about the people looking for facts and experiences and give it some thought as to why that bothers you so bad.

What I found is that it becomes one's normal to the point it's not about not being able to ask for help it's not even knowing you need help....especially when the CEN is subtle. It can be a spectrum thing also....different levels in different families.

I think it does open the door open to trauma in that we first off have no support system around us, no one to really connect with if a trauma happens, to talk it through with, to be validated. Without support, what is a trauma turns into a traumatic event/ situation in ones life which only ends up magnifying it making it even more traumatic than it already is.

You bring up a good point that if in childhood there is no support , then how does that person learn how to ask for help. You've been on your own for so long it's hard to ask for that help and frustrating that you can fix it yourself.

The interesting thing for me is that if I had stayed living in my bad marriage in a community where I had no support instead of leaving, I doubt that I ever would have been able to heal from everything. It would have continued in the same cycle throughout the rest of my life.

I was blessed as unknowingly I ended up in the most fantastic community with caring people who have become wonderful friends & we support each other. It is amazing & I ended up with the best Psychologist who helped me get through the PTSD that hit me a few years before I left when I encountered the home care person abusing my mom who was dying of cancer....protecting my mom & myself against her was frightening & I had no support there even from my pdoc or T while going through the trauma & it just pointed out even more just how emotionally incapable my H actually was..54 years of living like that has been mostly healed in the last 10 years since leaving there. I never thought life would be better but having a wonderful support network (not family) has truly made a difference in my healing process. Experiencing that actually helped me understand what had been missing all my life....something I thought was just a normal way life was. Without the contrast I never would have known....learning how more normal people live has been very enlightening

So happy for you! A lot of people are scared to make that move away. Sounds like it was the best thing for you though. I want to live again and hopefully I can get there one day. Very proud of you.

Thank you you CAN GET THERE I always feel if I can get there so can others who are much more capable than I am.

I think that my 2 years of intensive DBT group work (4hours a week + homework) here with my outstanding psychologist was also KEY in my recovery. It helped me learn words & put words to feelings I didn't know I was even experiencing. It helped me understand how my brain works & also reprogram the wrong messages I was also dealing with. It gave me knowledge that really helped my understanding of the new normal I was now experiencing.

It took a lot of quiet observing to start with then a lot of talking through thoughts with my new friends. Having never experienced emotional connection ever before in my life & being surrounded (except in my computer engineering career) with people incapable of normal communication I had to basically learn how to interface with people almost from scratch. Think if it wasn't inside of me desperately but unknowingly wanting to come out it wouldn't have been possible to learn it all either. I still have times I revert back but it's coming more naturally now....with practice. Takes time & patience & practice

Great article and book that articulated and validated my feelings.