how to stop blaming myself for the past

how do I stop blaming myself for the abuse my family put me through

the way they treated me

I hate thinking it's my fault, and that maybe I should have done more

and it's my fault i'm the way I am today

(((shattered sanity))),

It's unfortunate, but you are not alone with this challenge. The reality is that a lot of people grow up in dysfunctional families. This can most definitely lead to the kind of challenge you are describing.

I have a really hard time with this myself. I have very long thread in another more private forum and the title of that thread is "I feel like it's my fault". What I struggle with that is so deep in my core is that when something goes wrong that it will turn into me being blamed in some way. Unfortunately, this can be instilled in us before we even have any capacity to know what it means. Sometimes, without even having a choice we can be given a part in our own family unit where the dysfunction trickles down to us and we can be left with emotional confusion, or we unknowingly accept our role and begin to think of it as "normal". Our childhood is the scariest part of our lives. This is when we are the most vulnerable and without realizing it, a good part of our lives is getting over these confusing and scary childhood experiences.

I was the youngest of three and I can vividly remember how much I wanted to do things but was simply not able to because of how I was not able to have the control over my body like my older siblings had. Because I was the youngest I just could not keep up and often I was picked on for that. I had the littlest legs and I simply could not keep up and I sure tried but I do remember getting tired out and being picked on for it.

My reality that I have relived in such an intrusive way was that I did not feel "safe" in my own family environment. Truth is that I was exposed to a lot of drama and trauma and I NEVER had the capacity to understand any of it. I was the little one left on the beach blanket with my older sister standing over me all stressed out while my mother in a panic had to run off to look for my older brother who always took off. I remember sitting on the floor of my parents old drafty house with my older sister "again" standing over me stressed and angry while my mother had to run down the street to look for my older brother as yet again he managed to get out and wander off. I remember crawling on the floor and to the phone that was on the floor because there was so little furniture and I tried to use the phone to call for help. I actually did manage to get a voice on that phone and I remember trying to find the words to talk about "where is my mommy". I remember how my older sister was "always angry and bossy" too. Going all the way back I was stuck in the middle of how much my older sister HATED my older brother and ironically that NEVER changed not even now when I am 60 and my older brother is 62 and my older sister is 64.

My entire life I was always looking over my shoulder, that was my normal and I never realized that was not normal. Finally after so much struggle, so many flashbacks from my past I FINALLY last October saw what was "there" over my shoulder, and I did not even know that it was this person that would trigger me to have all these flashbacks. I was trying to visit my parents who are now very controlled by my older sister and she has been mean and bossy and very controlling in a "disordered" way. For the very first time when I sat there I finally noticed how my sister was right there "over my shoulder" pacing and angry and how dysfunctional she was behaving and just how far back that went, and it went "all the way back" for me. For the first time I realized that when I was so challenged and suicidal the one thing I had felt to the depths of me was how much it would be better for others if I was not around. I had that message so early on before I even had a chance to even remotely comprehend it. My mother always said, "your sister is jealous of you", and I never understood that, but now I do because I was the baby and she was jealous and she was jealous from the moment my older brother came home that threatened her getting "full" attention.
She hated that all her life and made it a point to "control" and hover over my parents always wanting them to herself.

They say children don't remember things, but I know otherwise. You know that saying, "we may not remember exactly what someone else says but we never forget how it makes us feel"? Well, this is the truth and this most definitely starts very early in our lives before we even have any idea what it means or have a choice on the matter.

It's "not your fault" that you struggle like you do today. You need to come to your own very personal understanding that it is not your fault that you were encouraged to "feel" the way you do. Some people get to the point where they have to cut off from their family because they have decided they will no longer accept the role they were handed that they never deserved and their own family is too ignorant to recognize how by putting you in the role they put you in they were "hurting" you. Unfortunately, that is something human beings tend to do, "label" others and put them into roles that is never really deserved. Unfortunately, human beings do this out of a desire to gain their own sense of safety and control and this is done on a level that is built into human nature itself. This begins before one even has a chance to understand it too. So, often we begin adapting before we have any capacity to know what we are adapting to and that it can be unhealthy and lead to further challenges down the path in our lives. Adapting is also a part of human nature, we are designed that way for our survival. So, you should not be blaming yourself for just being human.

thank you for this comforting post

I am also sorry about your struggles too

it sounds really hard

It's very hard, what is going on in my family is extremely toxic. Especially since my sister took over completely and has my parents at her house. She is so controlling and toxic that I can't even be near her because even if I manage to deal with it when I am visiting my parents I end up struggling for days afterwards. I feel like it's my fault that I avoid that whole situation, I feel like I have abandoned my parents but my sister gets SO TOXIC that it really makes me very ill.

Because I stay away, my sister gets to be the martyr and curse me. It's not my parents I stay away from, it's my sister who is so unpredictable and can blow up in a rage at me. I tried to call my brother in law just to get an update on how my parents are doing, all that did was result in a "nasty" phone call from my sister because she has to have FULL control where in order to know anything at all I have to deal with her and her disordered drama that is SO TOXIC. If I had a way to show how she behaves I know it would trigger so many members.

I miss my parents so much and yet I just can't be near that drama queen witch that has to control everything and no one is allowed to have it worse than her, she needs all the drama to be about "her".

What I noticed in our role play is that your mom had a sickness. That may have clouded the way she should have treated you and why she couldn't be the mom you wanted. Not saying the sickness is a valid excuse for her behavior, but it may have clouded her judgement. This is all on her about how she treated you, you didn't do anything wrong.

I have this issue also. I am fortunate to have siblings that watched the things my mother (the abuser) put me through. I think the majority of blaming myself actually comes from the gaslighting behaviors of my mother. At least that's what I've traced it back to. Her constantly telling me that I deserve to be treated a certain way because of x, y and Z. That she is just being a good parent. Her bragging to her friends about abusing me as if it is not only acceptable but expected. It isn't easy to overcome this psychological manipulation.
Like I said I have siblings that watched this happen. They tell me that she was wrong. They tell me that I didn't deserve it and that they weren't treated this way. They tell me that they would never do those things to their children and so on. It is also a healthy reminder when I was hoping my friends and siblings with their children that good parents aren't abusive. I have also noticed with age how my friends parents are with them and it illustrates how abusive my mother really was. This helps when I am feeling to blame and my siblings aren't readily available to talk to. When in doubt I look to those people in my life that have healthy familial relationships to draw examples of how I'm not crazy or wrong, that I didn't deserve what I was given.
I also recently had a justifying moment when my baby brother told me that he had to watch my mother break down on multiple occasions when she was drunk about all of the horrible things that she did to me. I just found out last week so this will be my new source of strength but the other methods have helped for the past 21 years.