[TerryL]

I had bought a book on emotionally distant mothers but i tend to zone out from too many words. is there someone out there who has done the research (and reading) and can share what steps one should try in order to heal from cen? thank you!

[Fuzzybear]

I wonder about this too

[TerryL]

if i find anything, i will post it dear fuzzy.

[Fuzzybear]

[Gus1234U]

be your own parent. do it right this time.

[Tuttapizza]

Originally Posted by Gus1234U

be your own parent. do it right this time.

The concept sounds interesting and logical, but how does one do that? Are there any paths, strategies or methods used to re-parent ourselves?

[TerryL]

i am very tired from following the thai boy rescue these past few days but i wanted to post. i am so full of emotions.

i have always sensed that i was emotionally neglected during my childhood. i don't remember much though. i do know both my parents worked and i was taken care of by a nanny. i don't know how nurturing she was. i don't remember any positive or negative interactions with her. i don't remember my mother being very nurturing either. i know i felt rejected by her through her actions or lack thereof. but i am not angry though. i know my mother loved me but she could not give what she herself was never given. many people do not want to talk about their parent's/parents' lack of parenting skills due to not wanting to be disloyal to them but i think it is okay to share things if it is the truth. and for my situation, there is no judgment, just understanding.

but then how to heal? one of my main issues is i often find myself grappling for the right emotions to show on my face when talking to someone. it feels as if i am searching for emotions in an empty room. i recently found this book titled 'healing your emotional self' by beverly engel in which she describes how feeling emotionless is a sure sign of emotional neglect. she writes that our self image is formed from facial expressions/emotions/actions mirrored back to us from our parents/caregivers. instinctually, i always felt that i was not properly mirrored growing up. the author has exercises on how to fix this. i can hardly wait to read those and will report back.

btw, i wish the author or someone would have classes on this. i am sure MILLIONS would benefit.

hugs to all.

[Gus1234U]

find someone with good social/parenting skills, a good teacher or a good friend, and mimic them. use them to model new behaviors. sometimes it takes more effort to open ourselves to new behaviors than to actually find someone to model them on/from. early behaviors are very deeply ingrained, and take strong 'rooting out', not just an overlay,,, tho that is better than no change at all.....

here is a little recipe for change that has served me well:
1) DECIDE to change;
2) decide WHAT to change;
3) CHANGE as much as you can every time you can;
4) PRAISE yourself for every time you change, no matter how much~!

the last step is very important. good parenting involves a lot of praise and positive suggestions. relinquish any habit or desire of focusing on how defective, or deficient one is, and focus instead on how wonderful it is to finally be making changes~!

[growthmindset1]

Look up Dr Jonice Webb. She talks about Childhood emotional neglect... she is amazing and teaches how to overcome it! If you simply look at the signs of CEN you will relate. There is so much support out there too and in her articles in her website

[TerryL]

Originally Posted by Gus1234U

find someone with good social/parenting skills, a good teacher or a good friend, and mimic them. use them to model new behaviors. sometimes it takes more effort to open ourselves to new behaviors than to actually find someone to model them on/from. early behaviors are very deeply ingrained, and take strong 'rooting out', not just an overlay,,, tho that is better than no change at all.....

here is a little recipe for change that has served me well:
1) DECIDE to change;
2) decide WHAT to change;
3) CHANGE as much as you can every time you can;
4) PRAISE yourself for every time you change, no matter how much~!

the last step is very important. good parenting involves a lot of praise and positive suggestions. relinquish any habit or desire of focusing on how defective, or deficient one is, and focus instead on how wonderful it is to finally be making changes~!

thank you gus1234u for the very helpful suggestions. i know what good parenting should be like and i am going to try to parent myself. it is really such an empowering concept.

i finally finished reading beverly engel's book. i could not relate to some of the info but there was enough that really hit home. she said many of the same things you said.

here are some of the chapter titles from her book:
"rejecting your parents' negative reflection"--our sense of self is mirrored back to us by the facial expressions/physical contact (or lack thereof)/emotions of our caregivers -- we need to shatter any negative distorted image these caregivers reflected back to us by their negligence or abuse. my mom never asked me how i was doing so i have started to ask myself that question multiple times during the day. i hope that will help me get more in touch with my feelings and eventually fill that void.

--"emotionally separating from your parents"
--"looking deeper into the mirror; discovering the real you"
--"providing for yourself what you missed as a child" - those who felt rejected and abandoned by their caregiver must not continue that abandonment. it is up to our adult selves to take care of ourselves like a good parent would. give ourselves praise, take care of our health, eat well, get enough sleep etc
--"if you were neglected, rejected, or abandoned: healing the "i am unlovable" and "i am worthless" mirrors"

the book also has exercises. i know undoing what needs to be undone might take a while but i am encouraged that i have already seen some improvement. this is so worth doing!

[TerryL]

Originally Posted by growthmindset1

Look up Dr Jonice Webb. She talks about Childhood emotional neglect... she is amazing and teaches how to overcome it! If you simply look at the signs of CEN you will relate. There is so much support out there too and in her articles in her website

thank you growthmindset1, i know about dr webb but from what i have googled i thought i would have to pay to take her classes in order to get help? i will definitely check out her website again.

[ArchieAus]

I know it's probably not going to be popular . But in the end you just have to let it go and live your life . Make a conscious decision that you are your own person and you will be who you decide to be . That's the way I play it anyway .

[Travelinglady]

Nice thread on an important topic! I have read books and been to years of therapy and that has helped a great deal. And I try to be a good parent of myself, which is one thing I learned.

A to you all!

[TerryL]

Originally Posted by ArchieAus

I know it's probably not going to be popular . But in the end you just have to let it go and live your life . Make a conscious decision that you are your own person and you will be who you decide to be . That's the way I play it anyway .

i don't think that would work for me but i am glad you have been able to help yourself that way.

[TerryL]

i posted an interesting early childhood experiment in the video forum. the thread is titled 'still face experiment'.

if you didn't get that early positive mirroring from your caregivers, it's not too late. just look in the mirror and show how happy you are to see you. it's worth a shot!