Can't grow old!

Hello everyone. For as long as I can remember I have experienced neglect, felt worthless, and suffered a few psychological problems. It's only recently I felt that I can't keep it all bottled up inside me. I wish I could express myself to some one close but I don't have the courage to do that, so this is the only place I could ask for help.

As a child I was always extremely hyper, excited and social. Everyone loved me back then. But soon things began changing. I was too troublesome for people's likings. My parents, teachers and relatives were irritated by my behaviour. Thus, I was disciplined by my parents. I was always insulted, given abuses and beaten by my parents. My teachers also despised me and I often got slapped in front of the whole class. Added to this was my extral tall height, so that although only 6 now, I looked like an 11 year old. I was restrained from playing with kids of my age and was told to behave much older than my age in public.
Due to my height my classmates joked and bullied me. Every single day I felt a racing heart before entering the school gate. I couldn't tell this my parents because I was too shy to, except when I was beaten to bleed by a group of bullies. Bullying continued forever and it felt like part of my life. I was now 10 and troublesome once again. But now I wasn't too excited, I rather felt irritated, worthless and antisocial. I would return from school exhausted everyday and take out my frustration on everyone and went to sleep without eating anything. I started fearing and avoiding people because I had developed social anxiety, but nonetheless craved for company and friends. At times I also went through phases of panicking about things like death and illness and something bad is going to happen because I had ocd. I felt too desperate and lonely during these phases and finally reached for my parents for help, but they called it a result of my bad character.

As a teenager, I begin realising consciously my poor self esteem and social anxiety. But my psychological problems went worse. I was driven to the point when I felt like a burden to the world, every one hated me, and my father would say things to me like' I am a disposable tissue paper.'

My condition is a lot better now and it all seems things of past. I have forgiven the bullies(they were just children, though not all!). I have no complaint regarding my parents. They did their best and I just didn't mention how much they helped me in my teenage to get better. No one is perfect after all.

But my past haunts me even today. I want to go back to my childhood and fix everything. I want to parent myself and grow up with all the intelligence that I now possess, or to parent my own child trying to give him/her what I couldn't have. I wish that I was left to act like a 6 year old instead of being forced to act like an 11 year old just because I was very tall. Talking about looks, although I look quite good now(including height) and some of the girls look secretly at me, but I still feel very self conscious. I can't talk to them or make friends. I still fear that some one gonna pick me out and humiliate me.

Besides that, I regret that I have not enjoyed my teenage like I should have. My social anxiety kept me only craving for friends and girls, but never getting them. I never ever felt myself as a graceful person, but a total loser. I lost good friends and all the fun they did. Now I am 20 and I feel like I am too old! I feel I will be totally unattractive in a few years.I wish I could stay as a teenager. It feels like I got bankrupted the day I turned 20 from 19, because with that all my chances of enjoying my teenage were gone! I can't enjoy the things I had as a teenager like free time, letting parents earn for me, and doing crazy stuff with friends and girls. Mentally I am still 19. I feel like I can never leave that behind, that I can never grow old.

I can't sleep at night feeling lonely and regretful. Yesterday I saw a painful childhood event happening to me in dream and I woke up already in tears. Thus, I decided to seek some help. Thanks everyone for your time. It will be extremely kind and helpful of you for any piece of advice that you can present. Thanks guys... Have a great day.

You have a lot on your plate. Do you see a therapist? I think that would help you a lot with what you're facing Also, I don't think you should justify your parents' behavior... you wrote that they abused you phisically and mentally That's DEFINITELY not a sign of good parenting and I'm sorry you've had to go through that. Same goes for bullying.

I can relate to a lot of what you're saying. Therapy is what got me back on track and able to put the emotional issues from the past behind me. So, I encourage you to give yourself that gift, too.

Don't worry about your age! You're 20! You're still so young! And who tells you you can't act like a teenager just because you happen to be a year older?

I know of a 75 year old woman who still goes to clubs to dance and drink whiskey. In Sweden there's a 60 year old priest who's a big fan of techno. You can see some of his incredible dance moves here.

Or how about this amazing 89 year old woman who decided a few years ago that she would start traveling the world.

Another example is Lyn Slater, who became a fashion icon at 64.

Here's a video of a supercool dad who decided to build a rollercoaster in his backyard.

There's so many people out there who's crusing the norms and not "acting their age". Age is just a number, don't let other peopled expectations define you.