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Member
Member Since Aug 2016
Location: Europe
Posts: 402
7 486 hugs
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#1
I grew up in a dysfunctional home. My father was physically and psychologically abusive and that caused a lot of harm for me. My mother never did anything to try to protect me or herself (in fact she would often try to justify his behavior).
I learned from a very young age not to ask for anything. I was always trying to control things/making sure everything was okay. I'd try to anticipate to other people's reactions, try to please everyone, read other people's reactions, etc. I had to learn to ignore my emotions and needs and I would often dissociate. I still struggle with dissociation, emotional dysregulation, codependency and self-destructive behaviors. However, I've made a lot of progress in the past few years. Understanding my story and that it wasn't my fault has helped me a lot. What hasn't changed is the fact that I often feel like I need someone to look up to and be able to trust them and feel comforted/ protected/...safe. I'm constantly on guard and I have a lot of trust issues in general. My whole life I've had this tendency to idealize older women (often in positions of authority) that were like a mother figure to me. It's like I'm still unconsciously trying to get those needs met. I understand that no one will be able to give me that "sense of safety and unconditional love" that I'm looking for (especially because I often tend to look for it in people that are emotionally unavailable). I know it's my responsibility to take care of myself now, but there are times when I wish someone would come and "save me", I guess... I don't know, it's so exhausting. It's even harder when I'm going through periods of stress. I feel so powerless and vulnerable. I think my mother's emotional neglect has caused me more pain than all the abuse I went through. It hurts so much and I feel like it's never gonna end... __________________ |
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