[Mulder00]

Hello - my first post here.


So it's come full circle. As a young boy, I just felt so lonely and ignored - I was just crying all the time. I had parents who worked hard and did what they thought was right. So it seemed all fine.


Now at the age of 37, I'm still lonely and ignored - I just don't cry all the time. I have a partner and we've been together for 20 years - he probably doesn't know better. So it seems all fine.

I'm known as the emotionally distant one, the one who doesn't want or need any affection. I have probably shown emotion once in the 20 years (and even that was mostly for show so that I didn't seem like a monster who had no emotions when my mom passed away).

I've been trying for weeks to express how I'm feeling to my partner (following some counselling), but I'm constantly dismissed or the conversation is turned around to be about him. I've asked him to read some things on CEN and this ended up being completely dismissed (and turned around to be about him because he had an abusive father). I keep saying to him that I'm not trying to compete, I just need him to hear me, I just want to feel like I matter! The conversation has been ended days ago and now he is acting like nothing happened.


How do I get him to just understand? How do I get him to help me to just talk about things...anything to do with me, it doesn't even have to be the CEN!


I can't be the only person who have done this and basically recreated my lonely childhood surrounded by people who are supposed to love me in my adult relationship. Is there a way we are supposed to deal with it? I want to try and fix it (mostly because we're stuck in a house together for a while), but should I just give it up and find someone who actually won't ignore me (I say this after huge amounts of turmoil because I have stuck around for years for fear of hurting him, even though it's to the detriment of my own happiness!!)?

[Uykulu]

Hello ,welcome to Pc I hope you can decide what to do.20 years long.you do not deserve to be lonely and ignored .nobody deserves .but i don't know what to say.I am sending you my good vibes .you are not alone.Hugs

[Mulder00]

Thank you Uykulu. I'm going with the tactic of just keeping on trying to make sure that I try and express myself during lock down and see what happens. Easier said than done though.

[jtaylor81194]

Personally, I express myself much better in writing. I don't know if this is something you'd want to do, but this is how I would approach a situation like this: I'd write down everything I wanted to say to him (explaining how you don't consider his situation worse than yours or the other way around and that both need attention). Then I'd give him the note.
Hope this helps. I wish you luck moving forward, however you decide to approach the situation.

[winter4me]

Welcome. Something has been comfortable enough for 20 years----and now you are the one "changing" things...it is a tough spot to be in and unfortunately others close to you may be invested in things remaining the same. Writing is a good idea, for yourself and possible to communicate to your partner. I hope you find the support and outlet you need from resources and others at PC and home...

[Mulder00]

Thank you so much for the suggestions. I've been using writing a lot, but mostly to get things aligned in my mind first because there's a lot of turmoil, emotions I didn't understand or realise were there before and so on.

I have realised subsequently that it was partly because I was different to what I have always been - things have improved since as I have been trying to be much more expressive and open than before. It's really tough though and it drains so much energy, but definitely feels better.

Thank you for the support!

[nicoleflynn]

Keeping a journal can be very helpful...do you have any friends? Iknow what it is like to live with someone who doesn't acknowledge your feelings....I did that for 31 years, but in the meantime, I made my own life. We all want to be validated. When the virus subsides, you might want to consider getting couples therapy...if he won't go, go for yourself; it can be immensely helpful. There is no point in continuing in misery (I did that for 31 years, as I said).....Your life can change for the better with some help. xo
.

[winter4me]

Writing saved me. I was married for 20yr to someone who just couldn't be supportive in the way I needed someone to be, and I expect it was inversely somehow the same way for him. I was not who he had cast me to be.
I would have done much better if I had added talking to friends during that time. Growing up, I had learned not to talk to others....and a few other unhelpful things.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by Mulder00

Hello - my first post here.


So it's come full circle. As a young boy, I just felt so lonely and ignored - I was just crying all the time. I had parents who worked hard and did what they thought was right. So it seemed all fine.


Now at the age of 37, I'm still lonely and ignored - I just don't cry all the time. I have a partner and we've been together for 20 years - he probably doesn't know better. So it seems all fine.

I'm known as the emotionally distant one, the one who doesn't want or need any affection. I have probably shown emotion once in the 20 years (and even that was mostly for show so that I didn't seem like a monster who had no emotions when my mom passed away).

I've been trying for weeks to express how I'm feeling to my partner (following some counselling), but I'm constantly dismissed or the conversation is turned around to be about him. I've asked him to read some things on CEN and this ended up being completely dismissed (and turned around to be about him because he had an abusive father). I keep saying to him that I'm not trying to compete, I just need him to hear me, I just want to feel like I matter! The conversation has been ended days ago and now he is acting like nothing happened.


How do I get him to just understand? How do I get him to help me to just talk about things...anything to do with me, it doesn't even have to be the CEN!


I can't be the only person who have done this and basically recreated my lonely childhood surrounded by people who are supposed to love me in my adult relationship. Is there a way we are supposed to deal with it? I want to try and fix it (mostly because we're stuck in a house together for a while), but should I just give it up and find someone who actually won't ignore me (I say this after huge amounts of turmoil because I have stuck around for years for fear of hurting him, even though it's to the detriment of my own happiness!!)?

Welcome! I'm lonely and ignored myself. Have you gone to couple counseling?