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#1
i'm a piece of ****. i'm ****ed up to my core.
to this day i still seize up around men. being in the same room as a man puts me on high alert. i had realizations that things with my father/family were worse than i had thought. but then, writing them out made them seem trivial. i'm deeply ashamed of everything i am. i can't win no matter which way i think about it. its best for me to be alone. i hurt people no matter what i do because i've been so damaged i can't do anything right. |
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Bill3, bpforever1, Buffy01, Cloud919, Itiswhatitis24, Open Eyes, possum220, TerryL, unaluna
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Buffy01, childofchaos831
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Mar 2017
Location: Kentucky
Posts: 3,273
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#2
I feel this way sometimes about some people or even all people. Maybe, if you need to be alone to be safe and happy, that's ok. You aren't alone feeling like you messed up. I live in regret some days. I don't know how to fix it. Sorry you're feeling this way
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RoxanneToto, unaluna
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RoxanneToto, unaluna
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Legendary
Member Since Mar 2009
Location: USA
Posts: 10,938
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#3
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unaluna
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Elder
Member Since Nov 2016
Location: Texas
Posts: 5,037
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#4
We feel the same way. Exactly, all the time.
__________________ Diagnoses: PTSD with Dissociative Symptoms, Borderline Personality Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Fibromyalgia and Chronic Pain |
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Bill3
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Junior Member
Member Since May 2020
Location: kentucky
Posts: 14
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#5
you dont have to be ashamed of things you dont have control over nothing is your fault
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Bill3
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#6
it wasn't a great day for me. i numbed out with tv. i couldn't work on any of my projects or exercise. i don't know why i couldn't shake off my mood.
regarding not being ashamed: it may not have been my fault but i can be better. i don't know why i feel so much pain. i also don't know why i am so numb and detached. my roommate brings over his girlfriend constantly. if i got coronavirus from her, i would not mind dying. that said, i am too afraid of social interaction to leave my room. |
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Bill3, winter4me
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Bill3, winter4me
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Legendary
Member Since Mar 2009
Location: USA
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#7
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Magnate
Member Since Mar 2017
Location: Underground
Posts: 2,439
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#8
You are not a piece of ****. You are a hurting human being.
When a tree grows without enough water, when it is battered by the winds, when it doesn't receive the nutrients it needs to grow robust and efficient roots, shoots, leaves and nuts, seeds or fruit, nobody blames the tree for not being perfect. They don't look at the tree and say "What a piece of **** it is! How useless it is! What a pathetic tree! It couldn't even grow itself properly!" They see it's leaves are withered from lack of water, and know what it needs to flourish. They see it's trunk is twisted and deformed, and realise it had to grow itself according to the ceaseless winds that battered it. They see it's fruit are diseased or insufficient through lack of nutrients, and know what nutrients to add to the soil to help it flourish. Humans are not so different to trees. When little humans are watered with love, kindness, are kept safe from harm and are given all the things that are best for humans to grow, they grow well. They are sure of themselves, have the tools to successfully navigate the complex world of human relationships and are comfortable in their own skin. When little humans are hurt, forgotten, neglected, ignored, beaten, and harmed in all manner of ways, their growth and development reflects their experiences. You can't grow without nutrients. You can't flourish with no or insufficient water. You can't grow straight and tall and sure when you are battered and assaulted by the environment in which you are expected to grow. You are a hurting human being. You grew the best you could in the environment in which you found yourself. It sounds like you are a battered tree, one that has been pushed down by the wind, and starved of nutrients. You are not perfect tree, but you are here. You are a not a piece of **** tree, but you are in need of nurturing and care. What do you need? Water? Nutrients? A place to rest, with no more wind? |
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Fuzzybear
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Cdogger76, Fuzzybear, RoxanneToto, TerryL
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#9
nightmare about my father.
life in lockdown isn't much different from my regular life. i've always been alone with no means of expression. |
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Wise Elder
Member Since Oct 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 9,996
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#10
Quote:
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Poohbah
Member Since Jul 2011
Location: usa
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#11
it's not your fault.
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Fuzzybear
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#12
you're exactly right, i don't know how to navigate the world. it terrifies me. i make mistake after mistake. i just wasn't made for human contact. i was born and raised to be alone. i have never been held. i am always alone. i wish i were dead.
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Magnate
Member Since Mar 2017
Location: Underground
Posts: 2,439
7 692 hugs
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#13
Quote:
You have been hurt. You have experienced a major emotional trauma and injury. Your responses to it are natural, typical and understandable. They are exactly how we know people who have been traumatised in that way react. And, they can be healed. You can be healed. I experienced similar things to you. I responded similarly to you. My teens, 20s and 30s were spent feeling how you do. And then I sought help, and it helped. You can have that for you too. You were never a flawed human being. You have done the best you could do with the circumstances you have been dealt. The effects of sexual abuse on children, especially within the family, are absolutely devastating. What you are feeling, living, are these effects of trauma. They are not you. You is what is trying to hard to live, yearning for a normal, natural life, in spite of them. It can be done. |
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RoxanneToto
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RoxanneToto
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Wisest Elder Ever
Member Since Nov 2002
Location: Cave.
Posts: 96,438
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#14
Quote:
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Wisest Elder Ever
Member Since Nov 2002
Location: Cave.
Posts: 96,438
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#15
Quote:
(where have I been? Not in this forum) __________________ |
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