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cureav
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Default Sep 07, 2020 at 05:23 AM
  #1
My parents are evangelic christians and in their marriage they strictly forbidden emotional or even worst physical romantic contact with a third person. My father is an adult child of alcoholic. Often when they had emotional problems they saw comfort and turned themselves to us, their children.
Is it possible that...
Well.. I know what Oedipus and Electra complexes are, and partially I feel guilty for strengthening all that as a child, but aren't the parents the one who should have boundaries and set them appropriately and guide us? As a young boy, when my mother was close with me, but I would even say it "flirted with me" I felt so complete, so happy. I can only imagine how my father did that with my sister, cause he is a bit more emotionally immature than my mother. You see.. I am 38 now and in a relationship with a married woman for 4 years - my longest relationship (but the only one with a married woman, all the others before were single). My sister had a few relationships with married men but no stable one with a single men. I would say that we both feel comfortable in those kind of relationships. I assume that the answer to WHY is in the beginning of this post. Its like.. my parents had something secret with us so the template of our relationship must contain some secret ingredient in order to "feel right". Yesterday I saw one movie (triggering) and these thoughts came into my mind.
My sister is 4 years older than me. We both won't be having children, I guess our reasons are the same - emotional emptiness and hunger out of which we could only further hurt the innocent.
As many people said: our romantic relationships are often our desperate attempts to resolve our early experiences with closest ones.
I don't know what to do further. If anyone has an opinion, article or a book to recommend on the subject, it would be awesome.
Thanks

Last edited by cureav; Sep 07, 2020 at 07:15 AM..
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lilacsnow
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Default Oct 31, 2020 at 06:14 PM
  #2
It may help to search under the terms emotional enmeshment and emotional incest as well as boundaries, unless you have already. From experience I'd really recommend aiming to look at the present issues in your current relationships. But id also recommend going carefully and probably with the support of someone professional is preferable.

But as things seem to be coming up from the past anyway I learned it may help to retain emotional balance as well as a balanced historical perspective to write down helpful influences or blessings you found from the relationships you have had with your parents as well.

Infact I would say the above is vital. Otherwise you can end up wrestling with more negative thoughts and emotions over past events which cannot be changed, but what can be changed is the here and now.

If anger does comes up finding ways to process it responsibly can be essential to moving forward. For example scribbling or s ome sort of physical activity. I'm not an expert on this.

I believe that looking at forgiveness is helpful too in time which isn't the same as trusting someone.

I'm reminding myself as well in writing this.

Last edited by lilacsnow; Oct 31, 2020 at 07:18 PM..
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