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Default Apr 29, 2021 at 01:26 AM
  #21
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Originally Posted by SomeoneToUnderstand View Post
Good afternoon y’all,

I’m looking for others to talk to regarding growing up with an emotionally absent mother. I’ve researched Cold Mother Syndrome and have discovered the ramifications of a childhood with mom’s that are emotionally absent. It seems there was a lot of this in my generation. I’m in my late 40s and have struggled with depression and anxiety since childhood.

If anyone is in the same situation and willing to chat about it, please feel free to contact me here or via PM.
I have an emotionally absent mother. The book "The Emotionally Absent Mother: A Guide to Self-Healing and Getting the Love You Missed" by Jasmin Lee Cori has helped to me understand this issue. Maybe that can help you determine exactly which things you missed as a child, and how they affect you today.
In terms of how I cope with this: I do not look for an apology from her or even my father. I try to look at which people are present in my life, and show me genuine love. By feelings their love, I am able to love myself--and that is the start of healing
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Default Apr 29, 2021 at 03:03 AM
  #22
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Originally Posted by jkray View Post
All of this resonates with me, too. I figured out that my dad was an emotional bully awhile back, but somehow I always believed my mom was blameless up until the day she cruelly discarded me. (A covert narcissist all along.) It sucked when I found out, but it has also been one of the best things that happened. Finally, after all these years I realize where all the anxiety, lack of confidence, and people pleasing come from. I finally see that I’ve never had the opportunity to share my feelings with either of my parents . Not a single heart-to-heart talk in all those years. Just fearing to speak up and going along with almost everything they wanted. No wonder I’ve been trying to run away my entire life.
I see myself in your comments. Especially about thinking that my mom was blameless and wanting to run away. I have always tried to run away but did not even realize I was trying to run away. As a child, I would spend all day at the neighbors house, as a teen I went to attend college in another city, As a college student I would go on excursion and trips during the breaks so I wouldn't have to go home, As a college graduate I went for a graduate degree in a whole other continent.
I think when you try to run away, it shows that you understood something was wrong, you knew that you were happier anywhere else than there, and that you were not scared to chase it! I think we should be happy we had to strength to run away. In my case, it made be realize the abuse, but also who I was. Although I'm still figuring out that last point. Cheers to you
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Default Sep 25, 2021 at 08:36 PM
  #23
It takes a lot of courage to own-up to what is really going on in our lives. Thanks, Cestdidi, for doing just that, and many hugs for your healing path.

I didn't really start to formulate solid theories about why our childhood was so difficult, until I was in my mid 30's. And I wouldn't say my mother was necessarily narcissistic, either. I think these things can occur without the presence of that particular mental issue.

In my family's case, I believe now it was history repeating itself, the old nasty cycle of harshness being passed down through several generations. A child learns what they live, as the saying goes.

A few of us escape that cycle and some even succeed in breaking it. I never had any children of my own, so I'll never know how I would have been as a parent. But I do intend to carry on working on myself for the foreseeable, as there are so many aspects of my psyche that this situation has affected.

One thing I did know at a very young age---That I would never, under any circumstances, talk to child the way my parents did, so discourteously and hypocritically rude and dismissive. It was just one weapon of theirs, and it had lasting effects, you bet. I am still that way, today. I do not believe children should be overlooked or mistreated in any way. It is too painful an existence for them. Their shoulders are too small to carry that kind of weight. They don't possess the experience or perspective to help them through it.

Massive, understanding hugs to you all.
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Default Nov 19, 2021 at 07:00 AM
  #24
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Originally Posted by MsLady View Post
I don't mind sharing..

I've always felt "different" .. an "outsider looking in" .. the odd "elephant in the room" .. an "audience member" and "laughing track" (my assumed role growing up).. without an understanding as to "why" .. until I reached my 40 years of life.

I've always struggled with forming meaningful relationships and have an anxious/avoidant attachment style. This means I want/need a connection with others but my chronic fears pushes people away from me.

I gravitate towards narcissistic-like personality types, which apparently is quite common when being raised by an NPD parent.

I'm very independent which makes it hard for me to work as a "teammate" since I've spent the bulk of my life fending for myself. Some of this is due to my "latch-key" generation, so this "independence" and distrust in others are quite common in our generation. However, it's caused friction in my professional life.

All 3 of my relationships have been with codependents, which drew me in due to their high level of attention towards me. It was quite foreign to me at the time, and unfortunately, I saw it as a sign of "love". All 3 relationships were unhealthy.. two of which were abusive in different ways.. and all materialized before I became aware about my mother's presumed NPD.. my "ah-ha" moment.

I suffer from social anxiety and bouts of situational depression. I often feel lonely because I'm unable to connect with others on a deeper level. There's a constant fear/shame/guilt that plagues my day-to-day life.

I strive to please others.. to be helpful, supportive, and understanding, by over-extending myself. I've often taken the role of a therapist, life coach, and financial advisor. I'm a caregiver at heart.. and I think it's because I felt very much neglected, unloved, and disliked for so long.

I have a tendency of suppressing my feelings because at a young age, I was taught to keep my mouth shut, as to not "worry" others.. or create a perceived "conflict".. so there's a lot of deep seated anger and resentment within me.

When I started standing up for myself (towards my 40s), an uproar ensued within my dysfunctional family. My reputation was smeared within the extended family, and so I had no choice but to walk away from them all. If you were to talk with them, they'd describe me as cold-hearted, insensitive, and mean. My role in their lives was to service them in some way, which I did, up until that point, and without any credit or acknowledgment.

I am now struggling through my third relationship with a man who also exhibits traits of personality disorders. The covert abuse is similar to how my mother/siblings behaved. I'm alone in this world with 2 very young children and a bad reputation.. but I'm staying strong.

So yes, a mother's role hugely impacts their child's sense of well-being and security. I adopted the Attachment-Parenting model with my younger two children, to help me parent them in a healthier way.. to break a cycle. Unfortunately, I failed as a parent with my eldest, as I was unable to see and understand the bigger picture. Luckily, I'm aware now and have been able to rebuild my relationship with him, but since he is on the ASD spectrum, I've struggled with him in other areas.

At the end of the day, I've never felt loved beyond my children and I'm conscientious as to not develop unhealthy attachments with my kids.. which can be challenging.

I take each day as it comes.
It's like I am reading my story, except a few lines here & there Stay strong dear . I can understand your pain.
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Default Dec 05, 2021 at 05:05 PM
  #25
Hi, i have just found you guys talking about unavailable moms. i wish there was a way for us to dialogue more easily. I came to my realization late, too, that something was soooo wrong. why?
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Default Dec 05, 2021 at 06:06 PM
  #26
I have been told I am on the spectrum. I wonder if a certain parenting style fosters autism. This is not to blame you. I have so many problems and I claim them. If our moms were lacking in emotional expression and interacted with us only in matter of fact way might we have been denied learning how to recognize emotion and how to return them? The problem is I have no memory of my mom touching me, smiling at me, talking to me. Why? Why can't I remember one single word of praise or affection.? Did she play with me? read to me? teach me anything? Surely she held my hand to cross streets. I feel so guilty. I think she must have done all these things. Why is there no memory? I know she had little interest in me later in life. However, I was feed, taken to the dentist, well-dressed, had toys. She helped me in my adult years if I needed help moving, etc. But she never called me to say hello or to say she missed me. Am I just feeling sorry for myself and too critical of her? I loved her so much, but never felt loved by her.
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Default Dec 05, 2021 at 06:20 PM
  #27
Not to try and diagnose you, ann yeltrab, but trauma/PTSD is associated with gaps in memory like you described. It might be something worth exploring with a therapist if you want to?
Plus, key symptoms of PTSD and autism can overlap, and they can coexist. I was diagnosed with autism as a teenager, but my current T is certain I don’t have it and I’ve also come to think I was misdiagnosed and “only” had PTSD.
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Default Dec 09, 2021 at 10:17 PM
  #28
For ann yeltrab: I suffer from a very similar situation, but without the autistic spectrum aspect.

I always thought I was patently unlovable. But my brother endured the same kind of hot-and-cold / or just completely icy presence of my mother. She was great with my two younger sisters, but not with my brother and me. We were really good kids; obedient, intelligent, and kind. But she essentially treated us like unwanted, bothersome wastrels.

She always jumped to the worst conclusions---she was deeply and regularly suspicious, even when there was absolutely no need to be---I don't remember her ever really being encouraging, or terribly patient, or doting---If it weren't for my father and his naturally loving personality, we would have grown up with fewer than 10 hugs between us, my brother and I. I don't remember compliments, or any kind of explanations for the tough questions in life. I grew up thinking that my opinion DID NOT MATTER, and wasn't wanted, even as I got older.

We did not receive a lot of life lessons that every child should get first from their parents.

Now, to be completely fair, my mother DID try very hard to rectify a few things after she received a diagnosis of cancer. I was in college, but was coming home fairly regularly for visits, so we achieved a bit of healing, and closure, between the two of us. I knew that at least, she recognized where she had gone wrong, and was trying to fix some things. It was not as successful for my brother, who suffered the brunt of her unexplained behaviour, and who lived on his own at that point, and who had developed a serious addiction to alcohol, as well. I do believe he was quite profoundly shaped, in a damaging way, by her distance from us (he was 3 years older than me, and extremely intelligent and also very sensitive). In spite of her efforts, I will never know where her inability to love us, and to show it, ever came from.

I do think that this aspect of my life is one of the most painful things a person can experience; second place would go to the actual loss of that person before their time.
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Heart Dec 10, 2021 at 03:49 PM
  #29
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It's like I am reading my story, except a few lines here & there Stay strong dear . I can understand your pain.
Same here. BTW, I like your username, as she's a character on Legacies on the CW. I assume you watch the show and/or like her character as well?

Until I joined this site and saw this forum called CEN, I didn't even know they had a name for it. It makes it official, like I wasn't imagining it. It's "legit". I joined in 2008 but don't know if this forum was there or not.

I get validation from reading this thread, knowing it's not just me and apparently more common than I thought.

My own mother obviously favored her first born (male) child over me. And oddly, she never wanted to speak a WORD about her OWN mother. She just wouldn't answer me. She wouldn't even say "I can't talk about it" or "It's too painful honey." That being said, she didn't use terms of endearment at all. And I have no pictures of my grandparents (maternal), and I don't even know what their names were.

Seems she cut herself off from her family, as she had sibings too which she didn't discuss at all either. My guess is that this dynamic was generational and she did what HER parents did: Be emotionally unavailable.

Also therapists have said not being answered as a child brings back those feelings as an adult, when somebody doesn't ANSWER me---be it on email, voicemail, text, online. It REALLY pisses me off and now I know why. My own mother wouldn't answer me about HER mother. Or what was on top of the stove. I was too little to see up there; I wondered what was up there but she didn't answer me. I knew she cooked or made food on that strange thing (it was to me, I didn't know what it was called a stove, LOL), but I didn't know what she was doing or what was there I couldn't see!

Unfortunately I'll never know why she was like this, as she's been deceased since 2017. Therapists have said she probably had no good role models herself. Though it explains things, it doesn't make it less painful. I often wonder if she was even aware of how distant and cold she was a lot of times. And I know if she was still alive, she'd never answer me anyway, as always.

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Default Dec 10, 2021 at 08:42 PM
  #30
Nonightowl, this is so familiar to me. And tragic. I suspect my mother's unresponsiveness was also handed-down, and was a generational thing. I did hear on several occasions how cold, stern, and tightly-wound my maternal grandmother was.

The thing that saved us was the love that was shown by my paternal grandparents. And thank goodness for it!

I am reminded from time to time that there were also some pretty wacky child-rearing theories that were floated around in the forties, fifties, and early sixties. I did not know this until college, when I had to take Child Development courses. One of those theories stated something like, "children should never be the focus of attention", and that "they should never be complimented." That was eye-opening for me. And, of course, it was all wrong; bass-ackwards so to speak. But it might have been picked up as legitimate because "child experts" said it, and people ran with it. Who knows? That could have led to several more generations of confused and bewildered children, for sure.

I always felt so strange. There were a lot of secrets in our house. But I found out later that just about every family on our street had some kind of major dysfunction going on, somewhere, somehow, in their family. It made me sad, knowing that just about everyone I knew was experiencing (and desperate to hide the fact) the kind of loneliness and pain that comes with these experiences. But it DID tell me perhaps there were bigger forces at work than just my freaky, sad little family unit....which was a comfort, of a sort.

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Default Dec 11, 2021 at 12:12 PM
  #31

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Unhappy Dec 11, 2021 at 12:46 PM
  #32
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Nonightowl, this is so familiar to me. And tragic. I suspect my mother's unresponsiveness was also handed-down, and was a generational thing. I did hear on several occasions how cold, stern, and tightly-wound my maternal grandmother was.

The thing that saved us was the love that was shown by my paternal grandparents. And thank goodness for it!

I am reminded from time to time that there were also some pretty wacky child-rearing theories that were floated around in the forties, fifties, and early sixties. I did not know this until college, when I had to take Child Development courses. One of those theories stated something like, "children should never be the focus of attention", and that "they should never be complimented." That was eye-opening for me. And, of course, it was all wrong; bass-ackwards so to speak. But it might have been picked up as legitimate because "child experts" said it, and people ran with it. Who knows? That could have led to several more generations of confused and bewildered children, for sure.

I always felt so strange. There were a lot of secrets in our house. But I found out later that just about every family on our street had some kind of major dysfunction going on, somewhere, somehow, in their family. It made me sad, knowing that just about everyone I knew was experiencing (and desperate to hide the fact) the kind of loneliness and pain that comes with these experiences. But it DID tell me perhaps there were bigger forces at work than just my freaky, sad little family unit....which was a comfort, of a sort.

My own maternal grandmother might have been distant herself. Unfortunately my dad was just as emotionally unavailable, though he had moments of being just a tad better than my mom. Two emotionally distant people, what kind of a marriage was that I wonder now.

I didn't know about theories on child rearing, but I do know different generations have different methods and it gets passed down unless the cycle is stopped. I would have stopped it if I had kids. I've heard "kids should be seen and not heard" and "kids should not speak unless spoken to" and "spare the rod, spoil the child" but mostly in the movies. Still I see it was probably reality.

Spanking used to be considered okay, now it's considered abuse I believe.

I remember once my mom said that cause I'm not a little girl anymore I don't need to be hugged. Last and only time she hugged me I was about 8. As an adult I like to hug and be hugged. My parents never hugged or kissed me, or each other at least not in front of us kids. No "I love you", no terms of endearment. They were probably taught to just provide for your kids, that's enough. I know both parents came from poverty but I know little else. They did not share. Maybe they were taught that too, don't show your kids you are human.

And favor the first born.

Still I find comfort in this thread and forum, that it's a real thing.

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Default Dec 12, 2021 at 11:43 PM
  #33
Again, Owlie, so much of what you write is very familiar to me. "Children should be seen and not heard", was frequently repeated in our house. Especially when other adults were around! My parents LOVED to hear what well-behaved children people thought us to be; but it never occurred to them to compliment us on behaving so well, or (God forbid!) rewarding us for making such a good impression for them. It was simply a baseline expectation.

WE got spankings when the impression was that we were becoming a little hard to handle. Smack them back into line was the thinking. But it was only ever me and my brother---never the youngest sister, who was the fomenter of much of what was going on in the first place. I could write a novel on that topic, alone.

My husband and I kind of bonded over the strange atmospheres in both of our childhood houses. He joked and laughed about his situation; but I felt for him, as it was clear he did not receive enough love, compliments, guidance, or affection. He joked and called it "The Gulag". But I could see there were scars there. His father was especially hard on him, and repeatedly implied that he was absolutely useless at anything. This is not the case---husband was treated like I was: Show initiative >>> get told how you're doing everything WRONG! As it turns out, we're both really good at so many things we try. He's great at developing elegant, inexpensive and effective solutions to a lot of the ordinary things that can go wrong around a house. We renovated two homes together (the one we were selling, and the one we were moving into), and friends couldn't get over what neat, attractive, professional jobs we did.

So, I had to wait until I was almost 45 before I received any kind of validation that I was hard-working, capable, and smart, and could complete what I started. And still, getting my Dad to say anything positive was like asking him for his last kidney. But he finally did --- he had to admit we had done a great job.

I learned a long, long time ago to give myself the compliments I was looking for from other people. And to value myself, my efforts, and my hard work.

Periodically, I still have to remind myself to do that.

I do sometimes wonder how different my life circumstances would have been if they had only done the simplest things in another, more positive, nurturing way.
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Default Dec 13, 2021 at 11:12 AM
  #34

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Crazy Dec 14, 2021 at 02:25 PM
  #35
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Again, Owlie, so much of what you write is very familiar to me. "Children should be seen and not heard", was frequently repeated in our house. Especially when other adults were around! My parents LOVED to hear what well-behaved children people thought us to be; but it never occurred to them to compliment us on behaving so well, or (God forbid!) rewarding us for making such a good impression for them. It was simply a baseline expectation.

WE got spankings when the impression was that we were becoming a little hard to handle. Smack them back into line was the thinking. But it was only ever me and my brother---never the youngest sister, who was the fomenter of much of what was going on in the first place. I could write a novel on that topic, alone.

My husband and I kind of bonded over the strange atmospheres in both of our childhood houses. He joked and laughed about his situation; but I felt for him, as it was clear he did not receive enough love, compliments, guidance, or affection. He joked and called it "The Gulag". But I could see there were scars there. His father was especially hard on him, and repeatedly implied that he was absolutely useless at anything. This is not the case---husband was treated like I was: Show initiative >>> get told how you're doing everything WRONG! As it turns out, we're both really good at so many things we try. He's great at developing elegant, inexpensive and effective solutions to a lot of the ordinary things that can go wrong around a house. We renovated two homes together (the one we were selling, and the one we were moving into), and friends couldn't get over what neat, attractive, professional jobs we did.

So, I had to wait until I was almost 45 before I received any kind of validation that I was hard-working, capable, and smart, and could complete what I started. And still, getting my Dad to say anything positive was like asking him for his last kidney. But he finally did --- he had to admit we had done a great job.

I learned a long, long time ago to give myself the compliments I was looking for from other people. And to value myself, my efforts, and my hard work.

Periodically, I still have to remind myself to do that.

I do sometimes wonder how different my life circumstances would have been if they had only done the simplest things in another, more positive, nurturing way.
I saw the writer Frances Lebowitz being interviewed and she talked about being raised in the 1950's. She said her parents seemed to think it was their job to instruct or teach her things, not show affection and give praise as well. I was raised in the 60's so not far behind. And that mindset still existed.

She gave the example of how when she asked can she have a cookie, her mom said "You say MAY I have a cookie". Stuff like that. My parents were like that too, thinking to provide for us and teach us the right things to say or the right way TO say it. I was corrected on grammar and manners, heaven forbid I say "frig" instead of "refrigerator." It sent my dad into a tailspin who was obsessed about my referring to things with the right terms or phrases. He hated abbreviations or slang. Like you said, it's like I'm asking him to give up a kidney rather than lighting up.

I didn't get praised for behaving either, but I sure got scolded if I didn't. It was over 50 years ago and I still remember when my mom took me along to the bank. (In those days, we didn't even have ATM's. And online banking? LOL Sounds like the Stone Age)

I still remember that long line, as the banks were only open till 6pm one day a week: Friday. She told me to go sit on this bench to wait for her. She then said, "And be quiet. Don't bother people." And I listened. Did I get praised? No.

My old boyfriend had a similar upbringing, and he's still my best friend. Yet I think we both turned out great in spite of our upbringing.

Like you I have to give myself compliments, give myself credit, tell myself I matter and I'm important and a good person. No one else will do it. And I'm ESSENTIAL unlike the government thinks.

I often wonder what my life would have been if I were an only child. No older brother for them to favor. It would be just me.

BTW, in spite of being in the same household, my aunt (dad's sister) was nothing like him. She had a warmth he lacked, and she had so much empathy for people, as well as insight into them. She was much older than him, and I could see they were not (and probably never were) close. That's sad, as that dynamic might have passed to us.

If my parents didn't value relationships, how could they want their offspring to have a relationship? Why would they think it important? OR having a relationships WITH US as well??? They sure missed out.

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Cold Mother Syndrome/Emotionally Absent Mother

Hmmm....looks like some good tips in here.


Cold Mother Syndrome/Emotionally Absent Mother

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Default Jan 15, 2022 at 05:37 AM
  #36
Cold Mother Syndrome/Emotionally Absent Mother
Cold Mother Syndrome/Emotionally Absent Mother
Cold Mother Syndrome/Emotionally Absent Mother
Cold Mother Syndrome/Emotionally Absent Mother
Cold Mother Syndrome/Emotionally Absent Mother
Cold Mother Syndrome/Emotionally Absent Mother
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Default Jan 15, 2022 at 06:04 AM
  #37
I think our mothers' mental illnesses can also have a part to play. My mom has bipolar 2, and when she gets manic, she gets very irritable and mean. She also is very blunt and has no concept of what you should not say to children.

I also think in the past many women did not really want children, but felt obligated to have them. I remember my mom saying to me when I was 10 that it was my Dad that wanted kids, not her. As a child, that was very hurtful to hear.

Anyway, I don't have kids of my own, so will not be passing on that dysfunction.
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Default Jan 16, 2022 at 12:20 AM
  #38
I am pretty sure my mom has some disorder,probably NPD,she never got diagnosed There were all kinds of neglect/abuse.I was my parents scapegoat.The living room furniture in my parental home got a better treatmeant.Atleast they got cleaning once in a while.I never existed in that house except when my mother needed to unburden herself by beating me until I bled allover or her hands got tired or the tool she used to beat got broken.And the reason for that?? Absolutely nothing.My sibling blamed me for her wrongdoings and another sibling teamed up with her in her lies.When things happened around the house that mom didn't approve of,my mom would ask my sibling first and she and her minion would deny.That was enough for my mom to decide that I was the culprit and she never asked if I did it.Her logic is if the other two denied,then it must be definitely me.I was never given a chance to explain my side.Once I heard her confessing to her friend that she knew I was not mischievous Despite the fact she punished me in front of her other kids intentionally.This was the best way to discipline the other kids.They know by example how bloody it can get,when they see older one getting beaten. And she laughed loud as if it was funny.
One form of abuse stopped and other abuse started.How can a person who gave birth to me can do such horrific things??
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Default Jan 25, 2022 at 06:28 PM
  #39
Oh, Mendingmysoul, that is terrible to hear. NO child should ever have to endure such treatment. I am close to tears just thinking about it.

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Default Jan 25, 2022 at 10:59 PM
  #40
Thank you MG,you have no idea,how a little validation and kindness becomes a lifeline for me .Your words meant a lot .I have never shared anything to anyone in real life.I have shared some here.Someone just acknowledging my experience is very healing for me.Thank you again dear.
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