Cold Mother Syndrome/Emotionally Absent Mother

nonightowl · Jan 26, 2022 at 02:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mendingmysoul

Thank you MG,you have no idea,how a little validation and kindness becomes a lifeline for me .Your words meant a lot .I have never shared anything to anyone in real life.I have shared some here.Someone just acknowledging my experience is very healing for me.Thank you again dear.

Me too.

I got no validation as a child, and now I see I was really neglected emotionally. As an adult, I also need the validation and reassurance so much.

And I got ignored so much by my parents, like how they didn't ANSWER me sometimes. My mom was really bad about it, and even my dad would say to her, "ANSWER me then."

This is why it's so upsetting when someone doesn't reply to my voicemail, email, or online comments.

My former therapist said it stirs up those feelings from childhood, so that's why it's so intense. And after 60 years of this, I finally find out why: Childhood Emotional Neglect. It has a NAME and validates what I feel.

I do deserve a response, validation, and respect/acceptance of my feelings. But I was always told I'm "too emotional", "too dramatic", "making a big deal out of nothing" or "it's not that bad." I have "friends" who do this, and I no longer confide in them. They are more like casual friends or acquaintances, since I don't feel safe confiding in them.

Didn't confide in my parents either, as I would just get invalidated. They weren't comfortable with emotions from others, and it seemed they didn't express their own. It was so taboo to express negative emotions or feelings, happy ones. But even with that, I had to be somewhat "restrained", no jumping up and down and stuff.

Mendingmysoul · Jan 26, 2022 at 05:06 PM

Yep,I can relate dear nonightowl,The invalidation was too much to handle for me as a kid.Specially when they are really nice to others and doting on just one offspring, it drove a strong message home to me that there is some flaw in me.If I can just somehow find that one flaw and fix it,I can make myself visible to them.I was on a quest my entire life rather an impossible one to achieve because I was looking for what was not even there inthe first place.I overdid everything in the persuit of that one positive word from them.Well now I realized I will never get it.It took a lot of awareness and thanks to internet and sites like these to finally understand that I was not flawed, it was them who are dysfunctional. I am looking for ways to soothe and heal from all that truama.

nonightowl · Jan 27, 2022 at 03:02 PM

You’re right, mendingmysoul. That’s what we’re doing. And it wasn’t till I found this forum that I realized it really wasn’t me at all. They sucked as parents and never should have been parents. They were both emotionally distant and unavailable so what kind of a marriage was that?

And I found out how much my parents favored my older brother when finally coming into possession of documents my parents should have given me in the first place. I was listed as a trustee on their trust but they didn’t tell me, let alone give me a copy. Of course my so called brother had a copy, along with a power of attorney that listed me as an “alternate”. That means second choice or back up.

Basically my so called family threw me under the bus, keeping me in the dark on these documents and doing transactions behind my back. My brother was the fox guarding the hen house. He got everything, thanks to my parents not communicating with me about the documents.

It’s a whole other thread, but I had a valid case for a lawsuit against my brother. But I couldn’t afford an attorney, emotionally and financially. But if I had a different life I’d sue him to h e l l and back. As it is he’s gloating I’m sure as he knows I can’t afford my own lawyer. I don’t consider him family, just kin.

My parents didn’t even list me as next of kin at their resting place, just my brother. Was I not BORN????

Thanks to their lack of respect and acknowledgment of me I’ll end up in poverty.

My parents had the nerve to criticize other parents or people in general about their poor judgment or parenting skills. What hypocrites. Why do we elevate parents or family in our culture? No matter what they do you’re supposed to forgive them cause they’re “family”.

I haven’t spoken to my brother in years, not for lack of trying. I’ve tried twice to close the rift since he’s “family”. He just screamed and yelled at me and hung up on me.

I’m 60 and it could take another 60 years to heal, if I live to be 120…..

Just talked to my therapist about all this but it feels good to post here too.

Mendingmysoul · Jan 28, 2022 at 12:42 PM

So sorry dear you went through all that.I see so many similarities with my childhood. Hugs.

nonightowl · Jan 29, 2022 at 12:01 PM

Lately I feel like I’m reliving my childhood and who wants to relive one like mine? I’ve had an acquaintance that I thought was reliable not responding to my texts. I’m done sending more. Respond or not. If she really wants to talk to me as claimed, she knows where to find me. And I’m only reading this one book cause she recommended it and it would be great to discuss a book with someone in real life.

Over a month ago I submitted a review on a moisturizer on a beauty site. It has to be approved by a human in 3 - 7 business days. It never appeared so I submitted again. It’s just a review on a cream but I want my voice heard. Childhood all over.

And former ***** apartment manager left without telling me. Everyone else knew about the new manager over a month before I did. Left out, again.

Anyway not being acknowledged is happening so much now that it’s like being a kid again, not heard or validated or recognized as existing even. My local senior center started a pen pal program in 2020 with the Girl Scouts to alleviate the isolation. I was writing to two girls for a few months. They both stopped writing to me.

Both of my parents were distant. They sucked in so many ways.

People suck.

Posted directly on site using iphone

nonightowl · Jan 29, 2022 at 03:04 PM

An afterthought: My mom never discussed HER mother at all. I wonder if she was escaping her own home life and cold parents.

But since she was a closed book with a padlock on it, I never knew if it was true. Must be some generational dynamic.

Cold Mother Syndrome/Emotionally Absent Mother

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Mendingmysoul Grand Member Member Since Aug 2019 Location: Here Posts: 907 4 807 hugs given	Jan 28, 2022 at 12:42 PM #44 So sorry dear you went through all that.I see so many similarities with my childhood. Hugs.
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