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Warriorden
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Default Nov 07, 2020 at 11:36 AM
  #1
Hi I was wondering if anyone has any useful tips on helping others deal with the changes that you are putting in place as you deal with CEN? For example I am 45 and have just heard about CEN and it absolutely sums up my lifetime issues (jumps for joy inside as my ‘thing’ has a name!) I’m working hard at recognising my feelings, actually allowing myself to have feelings and I’m working on setting boundaries. When you start setting boundaries at this age when people have been used to you always just being there for them or always doing what they want you to do and never putting yourself first, it is strange when you start saying no. The issue is is that these peoples reactions then fall heavily on my own insecurities and make me feel worse and I then have to spend days convincing myself I’m not a bad person. I’m fairly im control of being able to do this now but it’s very precarious as I haven’t practised it enough. Any tips from someone who has been through this? Thank you so much
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Default Nov 07, 2020 at 04:39 PM
  #2
Dear Warriorden,

The kinds of changes you describe can be quite difficult. At least that has been my experience. When helps me is to aim at progress rather than total victory. This removes the process from the extreme pressure and stress that a goal of total victory would engender.

If people are used to "pushing my buttons" I try to make little victories in slowing them down or stopping them even if it is only temporary. For example, Let us say that someone "expects" me to always answer my phone. Perhaps I cannot go 100% not answering my phone when such a person calls [total victory]. Instead perhaps I will wait for the phone to ring , lets say . . . 10 times before answering.

If someone is trying to "control" me, so to speak, I will use any "weapon" in my arsenal to protect my mental health. I am not even ashamed of using passive aggressive techniques if they preserve my mental health. I am not averse to using deception. If someone expects me to do X and I don't want to and I find it hard to say "no." [total victory] I may make an excuse: "I am sick" [partial victory based on deception]

I was once hospitalized for depression. It was quite expensive and painful. It happened because I did not prioritize my life goals around my "mental health." I placed other goals above mental health.

Since I do not want that to happen again, I have had to make my mental health my top priority. Ideally I could perhaps do this best with brutal honesty. But in the battle for mental health there are many strategies and tactics.

Just as I would use almost any tactic or strategy to protect my physical survival from attack, so I will use whatever tools are at my disposal to protect my mental health.

But I think there is more to it than that. Depression is one of the few mental illnesses that actually can result in a person losing his or her life. So actually an attack on mental health, whether done knowingly or innocently, whether done wittingly or unwittingly is a danger to my survival and I feel no shame in trying to protect myself. Protection is one of nature's oldest laws.

Parents are sometimes the people who try hardest to push one's buttons. As the saying goes: "No one can push your buttons as well as the people who installed them" namely one's parents.

I aim at progress not total victory. If I cannot protect my boundaries on such and such a day, no problem, maybe all I can achieve on that day is throwing up a little road block, a flanking maneuver or tactical retreat . . . or deception. Instead of aiming at 100%, I aim each day to do more than zero. Some days I can do 70%. Some days only 1%. Some days I am perhaps forced to go into negative numbers, so to speak. As long as I keep making little victories I have a sense of control, something considered essential in preventing depression.

I also don't consider losses as total losses. If someone overcomes a boundary, I try to learn from it so that even that becomes a learning experience, a positive experience.

Perhaps this is not a good approach. Since I am not a doctor or medical professional, I am unable to offer any words which could come under the category of "advice." I am thoroughly UN-qualified to give advice that you or anyone could or should rely upon. All I can do if share my fallible opinions based on what has worked for me in the full awareness and knowledge that what works for one person make not work for someone else and may in fact make the situation worse for someone else.

So please, do not take my poor words as advice. I may be wrong in what I have written. I am quite often wrong about things.

Hopefully you will get many responses to your post and will find in the totally something helpful to you or at least better than my poor words. I wish you only the best and think you are quite heroic to be struggling to preserve your mental health!

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen
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Default Nov 08, 2020 at 02:33 PM
  #3
Thank you so much for taking the time to respond, this was very very helpful. And you are so right that I should not be sorry for putting my mental health first and protecting it - that is something I should always remember and I will need to work a bit on that. I will remind myself of this every day. Thanks 🥰 you sound like you have come a long way and I want to say massive congratulations on this as I know how much hard work it takes. You should be very proud of yourself.

I have for my whole life always put others first and I always think of the impact of my actions or words on someone else, so much more than anyone else I know - even although I have come so so far in the last few months, I can still spend days writing a text message making sure I have analysed every word and thought of all the different ways that the person receiving it may interpret it - it’s exhausting and takes up a lot of energy. Then I panic after sending it until I have had a response.

I have only just found out about boundaries and I’m trying to convince myself that it’s ok to have them. I had very few boundaries before and I have for my whole life always put myself out for others, at the detriment of my own mental health. I’m still uneasy at setting and sticking to boundaries but I’m actively working hard on that.

I have taken the useful steps since July in removing myself temporarily from people or situations that are damaging to my mental health (most of the people unknowingly do this and don’t do it out of badness). I’m working on my responses to the situations that impact my mental health just now and that’s going to take time - my aim is to get to a place where I am comfort setting boundaries, and comfortable in dealing with situations where people don’t respect my boundaries - it’s hard work but I’m putting a lot of effort in. I removed one person from my life more permanently who overstepped many of my boundaries, not just one. I chose to remove them mainly because they didn’t see the issue in what they had done and took zero accountability for any of their actions or the impact of their actions/words. I took accountability for my part in it - which was a big step for me in taking accountability ‘for my part in it’ as usually my brain tells me I’m 100% to blame and this is how my whole life has been until now. It took about 8 weeks of therapy sessions for me to process the impact of this situation. this is the first time I’ve protected myself like this but I had to and I’m proud now that I had the courage to do so. I have no regrets.

One of my current issues (and there are still a few, but much less than a year ago) is with one other friend in particular who just won’t give me the space I’m asking for to allow me to continue my journey. And she has made me feel so guilty for asking for this space - maybe not intentionally but when she contacts me I always feel so much guilt afterwards as I haven’t been there for her the last 6 months, and then that turns to anger that she has this effect on me and that I can’t stop my Brain from thinking this way yet. How do you learn to really put yourself first and not to worry too much about the impact on other people whilst you do this? I’d be really interested in hearing any thought processes or tools that you have used to allow this part of the journey to progress. Thanks
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Default Feb 02, 2021 at 07:22 PM
  #4
One thing I am doing is working on setting boundaries. I have had to cut some out of my life who will not respect my boundaries They ''never'' did and they probably ''never'' would (since they have a certain dx )


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Default Feb 03, 2021 at 07:41 AM
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How does that not result in cutting out the whole human species? Because as one person exhibits a behavior, another adopts it.
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Default Feb 03, 2021 at 08:04 PM
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I am not ''good'' at cutting people out. I rarely do so. I have done so at times though.

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Default Apr 25, 2021 at 12:29 PM
  #7
I think what helps is fine-tuning HOW we communicate when setting those boundaries. We don't need to be abrupt, rude, or vague about it. Sometimes real life events help with our explanations. Out of respect, it's helpful to explain to a point but we don't need to justify ourselves to great lengths.

I'd be interested in knowing some examples of what you're expected to do to please others. Maybe we can help formulate a response that leaves YOU feeling less guilty.
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Default Apr 30, 2021 at 06:40 PM
  #8
Quote:
Originally Posted by Warriorden View Post
Hi I was wondering if anyone has any useful tips on helping others deal with the changes that you are putting in place as you deal with CEN? For example I am 45 and have just heard about CEN and it absolutely sums up my lifetime issues (jumps for joy inside as my ‘thing’ has a name!) I’m working hard at recognising my feelings, actually allowing myself to have feelings and I’m working on setting boundaries. When you start setting boundaries at this age when people have been used to you always just being there for them or always doing what they want you to do and never putting yourself first, it is strange when you start saying no. The issue is is that these peoples reactions then fall heavily on my own insecurities and make me feel worse and I then have to spend days convincing myself I’m not a bad person. I’m fairly im control of being able to do this now but it’s very precarious as I haven’t practised it enough. Any tips from someone who has been through this? Thank you so much

My problem is I ended a lot of relationships because of all this

It was traumatic to me


So I dunno if theres any thorough preparation in the CEN method for this

But Im curious too
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