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#1
Does anybody remember this feeling of fear of abandonment, unspoken or spoken, where abandonment was used by a parent as an instrument to make a child behave or do what it supposed to do?
I remember my father not wanting to speak or give any feedback to me every time he expected me to do what he wanted. I could feel his absence even he was present and it grew and took longer time as I grew older. I remember him switching the victim role with fearful father and even now I have two different conflicting feelings about it - understanding him and buried anger towards him. Once when I was a kid we watched a movie, and it came one scene.. a man was talking to someone about his "strength" of which he was proud, that he can leave any person for good with no remorse no matter how long he knows that person. But his longtime partner was listening that conversation in shock behind the closed doors. In that particular moment my father made a suggestion which hit me and left a strong impression. Either he said "See that! That's the strength!" or he said something similar.. but that scene stayed with me still today. And cause his father was an alcoholic, the abandonment has a long history in my family. Any thoughts on this topic would be helpful? Thanks |
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Grand Poohbah
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#2
I am a parent and a teacher. It is important to teach our children how to act and treat each other but the guidance is the most effective when they feel loved. Positive reinforcement always works better than negative reinforcement. When a parent is always punishing rather than leading by encouragement and being a good example; eventually, the child will act out or be severely internally effected--sometimes in ways we can't even imagine. Of course, the child's temperament effects their reaction as well but it is essential that a child have people in their life that love them. I am sorry you did not feel loved by your father. Were there other adults that loved you when you were a child?
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cureav, Fuzzybear, KBMK, pachyderm, RoxanneToto
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#3
My mother was better attuned to me, but as we grew and needed answers about life, she slided more to the religious side, what was not helpful for everyday life. My older sister was mainly my advocate.
I remember one of the quotes that circulated in my wider family: "A person doesn't respect what he has until he experience a bit of cold and hunger." This was a milestone with which adults ultimately used to put down a child bad behavior and when I look back now, it fixated them in survival mode. My father has his own issues being a adult child of an alcoholic, and even so, he thinks he made it completely healthy only by not being an alcoholic in his own life. Other issues for him are irrelevant... completely ready for having two children. |
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Grand Poohbah
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#4
Yes, I agree and when someone is already struggling, forcing them into survival mode (actual hunger and cold) doesn't help and can make things much worse.
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Fuzzybear, pachyderm
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#5
I can relate. It was from my mum rather than dad, even though my dad drank, and got angry, he was pretty caring. My mum was "nice" when she wanted to be (mostly infront of other adults), even then would use us kids as an excuse to leave ("they've had a long day" or "they're tired"...things like that). We were lumped together or used as examples.
She told me (not my brother and sister) that she was leaving (when I was eight). I was careful around her after that. She didn't leave though. She would lock herself in her room, and just ignore and blame a lot. I wouldn't say I'm scared of abandonment, but more of the burden of having to guess what the silence is communicating. I didn't know that it wasn't "normal" or "healthy" so ended up with people like that in my life. I fits with NPD with my mum and ex husband. They would both be on my back when I was busy with something, and then magically vanish when I really needed support. My mum was with my dad for forty years, but pushed him away, then moved out in the weeks after he lost his mum. My ex did the same thing to me, and worse. Just glad it didn't go on so long. I'm really glad I have very fond memories of my Granny. Happy memories with my dad too. It's such a confusing thing, because of all the unspoken communication. It's hard to verbally express the psychology and emotional impact. |
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#6
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when I was younger, (a lot younger), we used to go to the park- and at said park their was a little train ride (you put money in the train, and it took you for a few minits ride up and down) I remember asking my mother a lot of times to go on the train, but she wouldn't let me- claiming that it's a waste of money eventually she turned violent, and told me that if I asked her again to go on the train, she'd abandon me on a real train, and she wouldn't care where it went... that would be the last I see of her I did keep asking, and she did abandon me on a train- kept to her word and so started the long process of being thrown about from person to person.. like a child's toy... |
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#7
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Anonymous32451
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#8
I have fuzzy memory of a parent saying to a child “If you don’t come right now, I’m leaving you here”. I’m not sure if that was said to me and I don’t really remember, but I heard it somewhere.
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#9
I am not sure how these examples illustrate childhood emotional neglect. Seems more like revenge to me -- revenge not against the child but against a previous parent, but the one inflicting the revenge doing so unknowingly. Of course the child would have no way of knowing that was what was happening.
__________________ Now if thou would'st When all have given him o'er From death to life Thou might'st him yet recover -- Michael Drayton 1562 - 1631 |
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#10
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If the parent can't relate to the kids emotions and just checks out the kid doesn't necessarily get to know their own emotions, unless they're getting enough feedback from someone else. Even then, it's scary to have a parent that relates in this way. You don't know what mood they're in, and can't feel secure in their company, so there's issues with attachment there if not really deep emotional wounding. |
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#11
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#12
I wish I new then, what I know now. I was not a bad parent, just overwhelmed and alone. I was taught a lot of really horrible stuff and was completely ignored; I did not exists, and tried so hard to be different to mine. Both parents mentally ill. I did mess them up a bit, but I suppose most of us do. Early childhood development fascinates me now. I understand the depth of its importance. The first year and then the next seven are critical in a child's life. I am in touch with the younger part of myself now. With awareness and education I am trying to treat myself better and my kids. Knowledge is definitely power.
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#13
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