advertisement
Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
cureav
Member
cureav has no updates.
 
Member Since: Mar 2013
Posts: 161
10 yr Member
7 hugs
given
Default Nov 23, 2020 at 01:10 AM
  #1
Does anybody remember this feeling of fear of abandonment, unspoken or spoken, where abandonment was used by a parent as an instrument to make a child behave or do what it supposed to do?
I remember my father not wanting to speak or give any feedback to me every time he expected me to do what he wanted. I could feel his absence even he was present and it grew and took longer time as I grew older. I remember him switching the victim role with fearful father and even now I have two different conflicting feelings about it - understanding him and buried anger towards him.
Once when I was a kid we watched a movie, and it came one scene.. a man was talking to someone about his "strength" of which he was proud, that he can leave any person for good with no remorse no matter how long he knows that person. But his longtime partner was listening that conversation in shock behind the closed doors.
In that particular moment my father made a suggestion which hit me and left a strong impression. Either he said "See that! That's the strength!" or he said something similar.. but that scene stayed with me still today.
And cause his father was an alcoholic, the abandonment has a long history in my family.
Any thoughts on this topic would be helpful?
Thanks
cureav is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Fuzzybear, KBMK, Open Eyes, RoxanneToto, TunedOut
 
Thanks for this!
KBMK, pachyderm, RoxanneToto, TunedOut

advertisement
TunedOut
Grand Poohbah
 
TunedOut's Avatar
TunedOut has no updates.
 
Member Since: May 2019
Location: USA
Posts: 1,523
3 yr Member
6,983 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Nov 23, 2020 at 01:39 AM
  #2
I am a parent and a teacher. It is important to teach our children how to act and treat each other but the guidance is the most effective when they feel loved. Positive reinforcement always works better than negative reinforcement. When a parent is always punishing rather than leading by encouragement and being a good example; eventually, the child will act out or be severely internally effected--sometimes in ways we can't even imagine. Of course, the child's temperament effects their reaction as well but it is essential that a child have people in their life that love them. I am sorry you did not feel loved by your father. Were there other adults that loved you when you were a child?
TunedOut is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
cureav, Fuzzybear, KBMK, pachyderm, RoxanneToto
cureav
Member
cureav has no updates.
 
Member Since: Mar 2013
Posts: 161
10 yr Member
7 hugs
given
Default Nov 23, 2020 at 12:01 PM
  #3
My mother was better attuned to me, but as we grew and needed answers about life, she slided more to the religious side, what was not helpful for everyday life. My older sister was mainly my advocate.
I remember one of the quotes that circulated in my wider family: "A person doesn't respect what he has until he experience a bit of cold and hunger." This was a milestone with which adults ultimately used to put down a child bad behavior and when I look back now, it fixated them in survival mode.
My father has his own issues being a adult child of an alcoholic, and even so, he thinks he made it completely healthy only by not being an alcoholic in his own life. Other issues for him are irrelevant... completely ready for having two children.
cureav is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Fuzzybear, KBMK, RoxanneToto, TunedOut
 
Thanks for this!
Nammu, pachyderm, TunedOut
TunedOut
Grand Poohbah
 
TunedOut's Avatar
TunedOut has no updates.
 
Member Since: May 2019
Location: USA
Posts: 1,523
3 yr Member
6,983 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Nov 23, 2020 at 01:03 PM
  #4
Quote:
Originally Posted by cureav View Post
"A person doesn't respect what he has until he experience a bit of cold and hunger." This was a milestone with which adults ultimately used to put down a child bad behavior and when I look back now, it fixated them in survival mode.
Yes, I agree and when someone is already struggling, forcing them into survival mode (actual hunger and cold) doesn't help and can make things much worse.
TunedOut is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
Fuzzybear, pachyderm
KBMK
Member
KBMK has no updates.
 
Member Since: Aug 2020
Location: Cumbria
Posts: 402
3 yr Member
612 hugs
given
Default Nov 23, 2020 at 02:11 PM
  #5
I can relate. It was from my mum rather than dad, even though my dad drank, and got angry, he was pretty caring. My mum was "nice" when she wanted to be (mostly infront of other adults), even then would use us kids as an excuse to leave ("they've had a long day" or "they're tired"...things like that). We were lumped together or used as examples.
She told me (not my brother and sister) that she was leaving (when I was eight). I was careful around her after that. She didn't leave though. She would lock herself in her room, and just ignore and blame a lot.
I wouldn't say I'm scared of abandonment, but more of the burden of having to guess what the silence is communicating. I didn't know that it wasn't "normal" or "healthy" so ended up with people like that in my life. I fits with NPD with my mum and ex husband. They would both be on my back when I was busy with something, and then magically vanish when I really needed support.
My mum was with my dad for forty years, but pushed him away, then moved out in the weeks after he lost his mum.
My ex did the same thing to me, and worse. Just glad it didn't go on so long.
I'm really glad I have very fond memories of my Granny. Happy memories with my dad too.
It's such a confusing thing, because of all the unspoken communication. It's hard to verbally express the psychology and emotional impact.
KBMK is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Fuzzybear, Open Eyes, RoxanneToto, TunedOut
 
Thanks for this!
pachyderm, TunedOut
Anonymous32451
Guest
Anonymous32451 has no updates. Edit
 
Posts: n/a
Default Nov 24, 2020 at 06:10 AM
  #6
Quote:
Originally Posted by cureav View Post
Does anybody remember this feeling of fear of abandonment, unspoken or spoken, where abandonment was used by a parent as an instrument to make a child behave or do what it supposed to do?
I remember my father not wanting to speak or give any feedback to me every time he expected me to do what he wanted. I could feel his absence even he was present and it grew and took longer time as I grew older. I remember him switching the victim role with fearful father and even now I have two different conflicting feelings about it - understanding him and buried anger towards him.
Once when I was a kid we watched a movie, and it came one scene.. a man was talking to someone about his "strength" of which he was proud, that he can leave any person for good with no remorse no matter how long he knows that person. But his longtime partner was listening that conversation in shock behind the closed doors.
In that particular moment my father made a suggestion which hit me and left a strong impression. Either he said "See that! That's the strength!" or he said something similar.. but that scene stayed with me still today.
And cause his father was an alcoholic, the abandonment has a long history in my family.
Any thoughts on this topic would be helpful?
Thanks


when I was younger, (a lot younger), we used to go to the park- and at said park their was a little train ride (you put money in the train, and it took you for a few minits ride up and down)

I remember asking my mother a lot of times to go on the train, but she wouldn't let me- claiming that it's a waste of money

eventually she turned violent, and told me that if I asked her again to go on the train, she'd abandon me on a real train, and she wouldn't care where it went... that would be the last I see of her

I did keep asking, and she did abandon me on a train- kept to her word

and so started the long process of being thrown about from person to person.. like a child's toy...
  Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
*Beth*, cureav, Fuzzybear, KBMK, pachyderm, TishaBuv, TunedOut
 
Thanks for this!
KBMK, pachyderm
KBMK
Member
KBMK has no updates.
 
Member Since: Aug 2020
Location: Cumbria
Posts: 402
3 yr Member
612 hugs
given
Default Nov 24, 2020 at 07:20 AM
  #7
Quote:
Originally Posted by raging vortex View Post
when I was younger, (a lot younger), we used to go to the park- and at said park their was a little train ride (you put money in the train, and it took you for a few minits ride up and down)

I remember asking my mother a lot of times to go on the train, but she wouldn't let me- claiming that it's a waste of money

eventually she turned violent, and told me that if I asked her again to go on the train, she'd abandon me on a real train, and she wouldn't care where it went... that would be the last I see of her

I did keep asking, and she did abandon me on a train- kept to her word

and so started the long process of being thrown about from person to person.. like a child's toy...
That's a real life nightmare. I'm so sorry she did that to you
KBMK is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Anonymous32451
 
Thanks for this!
Open Eyes
TishaBuv
Legendary
TishaBuv It’s mostly them, and somewhat me.
 
Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: USA
Posts: 10,122 (SuperPoster!)
8 yr Member
1,857 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Nov 24, 2020 at 07:31 AM
  #8
I have fuzzy memory of a parent saying to a child “If you don’t come right now, I’m leaving you here”. I’m not sure if that was said to me and I don’t really remember, but I heard it somewhere.

__________________
"And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!"
. About Me--T
TishaBuv is online now   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
pachyderm
pachyderm
Legendary
 
pachyderm's Avatar
pachyderm without status for sure.
 
Member Since: Jun 2007
Location: Washington DC metro area
Posts: 15,865 (SuperPoster!)
15 yr Member
2,857 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Nov 24, 2020 at 02:49 PM
  #9
I am not sure how these examples illustrate childhood emotional neglect. Seems more like revenge to me -- revenge not against the child but against a previous parent, but the one inflicting the revenge doing so unknowingly. Of course the child would have no way of knowing that was what was happening.

__________________
Now if thou would'st
When all have given him o'er
From death to life
Thou might'st him yet recover
-- Michael Drayton 1562 - 1631
pachyderm is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
KBMK
Member
KBMK has no updates.
 
Member Since: Aug 2020
Location: Cumbria
Posts: 402
3 yr Member
612 hugs
given
Default Nov 24, 2020 at 03:26 PM
  #10
Quote:
Originally Posted by pachyderm View Post
I am not sure how these examples illustrate childhood emotional neglect. Seems more like revenge to me -- revenge not against the child but against a previous parent, but the one inflicting the revenge doing so unknowingly. Of course the child would have no way of knowing that was what was happening.
I think (knowing or unknowingly) the parent is neglecting the child's emotional needs and development. Kids learn to manage their emotions really quickly if they're listened to and get to understand what makes them sad, angry, frightened, happy etc.
If the parent can't relate to the kids emotions and just checks out the kid doesn't necessarily get to know their own emotions, unless they're getting enough feedback from someone else.
Even then, it's scary to have a parent that relates in this way. You don't know what mood they're in, and can't feel secure in their company, so there's issues with attachment there if not really deep emotional wounding.
KBMK is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
Open Eyes, TunedOut
Anonymous32451
Guest
Anonymous32451 has no updates. Edit
 
Posts: n/a
Default Nov 25, 2020 at 08:50 AM
  #11
Quote:
Originally Posted by KBMK View Post
That's a real life nightmare. I'm so sorry she did that to you


so am I

I didn't like my mother, but I didn't like who I was put in the care of, either

abuse has seemed to follow me everywhere since
  Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
KBMK, TunedOut
BarefootBeach
Member
BarefootBeach has no updates.
 
Member Since: Oct 2020
Location: USA
Posts: 54
3 yr Member
3 hugs
given
Default Nov 25, 2020 at 03:55 PM
  #12
I wish I new then, what I know now. I was not a bad parent, just overwhelmed and alone. I was taught a lot of really horrible stuff and was completely ignored; I did not exists, and tried so hard to be different to mine. Both parents mentally ill. I did mess them up a bit, but I suppose most of us do. Early childhood development fascinates me now. I understand the depth of its importance. The first year and then the next seven are critical in a child's life. I am in touch with the younger part of myself now. With awareness and education I am trying to treat myself better and my kids. Knowledge is definitely power.
BarefootBeach is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Anonymous32451, KBMK, TunedOut
 
Thanks for this!
KBMK, TunedOut
Fuzzybear
Wisest Elder Ever
 
Fuzzybear's Avatar
Fuzzybear has no updates.
 
Member Since: Nov 2002
Location: Cave.
Posts: 96,301 (SuperPoster!)
20 yr Member
81.2k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Dec 15, 2020 at 11:52 PM
  #13

__________________
Fuzzybear is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
KBMK, TunedOut
All times are GMT -5. The time now is 05:24 PM.
Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.



 

My Support Forums

My Support Forums is the online community that was originally begun as the Psych Central Forums in 2001. It now runs as an independent self-help support group community for mental health, personality, and psychological issues and is overseen by a group of dedicated, caring volunteers from around the world.

 

Helplines and Lifelines

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider.

Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.