[merry667]

Hey!

So I just found this forum today. My brother and I suffered emotional neglect as children and it's deeply impacted both of us. We've both struggled (and continue to struggle) with anxiety and depression. He's 37 now and I'm 34.

I've been to therapy, I've talked with friends and with my brother about this a lot. What I find I'm still lacking is just more refill of empathy, compassion and understanding, which is something we never got. I sometimes feel like I want my friends and boyfriend to just shower me with love and attention to the extent that I fear they'll grow tired of me. Sometimes I feel so insecure and missing that care that I feel insatiable. And of course they have their lives and don't always get to the extent this stuff is hurting. It's hard to understand if you haven't been there.

I'm guessing that goes for others in this forum as well?

[Yaowen]

Dear merry667,

I feel like that a lot too. One of the bad things about emotional neglect I have found is that if one's parents do this, it not only results in less empathy, compassion, understanding, encouragement and consolation from them, but it also teaches children to deny these things to themselves and how to do that. So I think it is doubly damaging. I am so sorry that this happened to you and your brother. That is really heartbreaking.

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen

[Mendingmysoul]

@Yaowen well said.

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

Hi, merry667 I'm glad you stumbled across the forum, and hope you find it both a sanctuary and a source of hope (that things can get better).

[merry667]

Thanks! Yeah, I just happened upon this forum and it hit right home.

Right now I'm frightened of how much I'm struggling with this -- I'm crying literally every day and there's just no stopping it. Weirdly I just want my friends and boyfriend to hold me while I weep into their arms. And I'm just incapable of doing that, I feel so embarrassed and worry about how they'll think of me.

However: my therapist (I have an online TEAM-CBT therapist) suggested I think of a person from my life who would've comforted me, like my grandmother. So now I'm trying to -- well, cry while she's holding me, and it does work a little bit better. Anyone had any experience with exercises like that?

It works for a moment but I still feel like crippling loneliness, especially on the weekends and I'm just terrified of alone time. It's like -- I don't know, like I need to mourn and cry all the time now and just want to be consoled ALL the time?

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

It makes perfect sense to me

I'm sure you've tried many things over the years (as many survivors do). This is the right place to deeply explore the options, and see what's worked for others, and just feel less alone

Sometimes, we do literally cry out for the love, safety and respect we didn't have

To be honest, I think your way of dealing with the (awful) emotional neglect is quite admirable. I dealt with that insatiable, aching, desperate black hole of a feeling in other ways, mainly ED's You are not displacing your sadness and craving for love; you're acknowledging it.

I hope you find that this forum helps you on yjour journey.

welcome!

[merry667]

Oh my god, thanks so much for this. For the support, it means the world! And it helps a lot to discover that we're definitely not alone in this. I believe healing is possible as well.

I've started listening to "The emotionally absent mother" and I find it a tremendous help and comfort. It's spot on for me and it's just such a relief to finally be able to say "yes! THAT's what it is!"

Anyone else had good experience with this book?

Originally Posted by merry667

Oh my god, thanks so much for this. For the support, it means the world! And it helps a lot to discover that we're definitely not alone in this. I believe healing is possible as well.

I've started listening to "The emotionally absent mother" and I find it a tremendous help and comfort. It's spot on for me and it's just such a relief to finally be able to say "yes! THAT's what it is!"

Anyone else had good experience with this book?

who is it written by?

sounds like it might be worth a look

[Fuzzybear]

Welcome to the forums merry667

[merry667]

Originally Posted by raging vortex

who is it written by?

sounds like it might be worth a look

Her name is Jasmin Lee Cori. It's not always on the mark for me and her style might not work for everyone -- but it's absolutely amazing in terms of putting into words what we've experienced and why. She talks about the emotionally absent mother, but she states early on she's really talking about any kind of parental figure, so the term "mother" could apply to a neglectful father or parents as well.

Strongly recommend it.

Originally Posted by merry667

Her name is Jasmin Lee Cori. It's not always on the mark for me and her style might not work for everyone -- but it's absolutely amazing in terms of putting into words what we've experienced and why. She talks about the emotionally absent mother, but she states early on she's really talking about any kind of parental figure, so the term "mother" could apply to a neglectful father or parents as well.

Strongly recommend it.

I will be sure to post here if I read it
thanks...