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xIxAmxSadx
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Default Apr 12, 2021 at 02:06 AM
  #1
Hi all friends,
Not sure if this is the right place to post this, but I this is the only forum I could find that looked appropriate.
Apologies if this comes out as a bit of a vent, I really need to get all of this out of my system because it is a very emotionally sore subject for me...

So, a little backstory: I'm 23 years old and I still currently live with both of my parents. My mother and I have always had a pretty decent relationship, it was much better when I was a child.

My mother has always had a temper issue ever since I can remember, always screaming, yelling, deep throaty growls of anger when even the slightest thing goes wrong (such as, the bathroom faucet coming loose today for example)
She is emotionally distant towards me, which I understand because of her upbringing, she wasn't raised in a very emotional household and she grew up with a lot of yelling, so I understand where she learned the behavior from.

Our relationship became more strained when I became a teenager and I was struggling in school due to my mental health but I was not diagnosed yet. My grades were falling and I was struggling to even go to my classes. This was far too much for her to handle and she essentially left it up to 14 year old me to make the decision of weather or not I wanted to continue my high school education, and I chose to drop out. I felt a tremendous amount of pressure on me at such a young age to make such a huge decision.

Flash forward to when I turned 17, I got into my first relationship which turned out to be abusive, I spiraled into alcoholism and ended up sleeping on the streets and then I ended up living with my boyfriend at the time for 3 months. That relationship lasted a year and a half and the relationship ended up with me developing PTSD.
During my time in this relationship my mother continuously stated that she had. a "bad feeling" about my boyfriend but she never actually sat down with me to lend me an ear or tried to talk to me about the situation, she acted as if she wanted me to come crawling to her so she could say "I told you so".

When that relationship ended, I continued to drink, and one day she found a stash of about 20 empty 750ml bottles of vodka in my closet that I had hidden away. She took them out in front of me and asked me "did you drink all of these by yourself?" and I said "yes" and her response was... "oh, wow!" and nothing else. Not "are you okay?" "is something going on?" "why are you drinking so much?" "do you need help?"

Years later, I am sober now, but my first relationship still haunts the air between my mother and I.
When I opened up to her about that relationship being abusive, she did end up saying "I told you so"
Not "I'm so sorry" "are you okay?" "how can I help you heal?"

I feel she holds this extremely traumatic time in my life against me, and I don't know why. Every time we get into an argument about something it always turns into an argument about this relationship from 6 years ago that I try so hard everyday to forget.
She will say things to me such as "you had bad judgement" "lie down with dogs, wake up with fleas" "your actions have consequences" "I had to let you learn the hard way" "get over it" "let it go"

I've expressed how her bringing up this subject is incredibly painful for me and not beneficial in my recovery (I am currently in trauma therapy) and that what she says to me in regards to it makes me feel blamed and as if the trauma was my fault, but I was only a teenager at the time. I needed parenting and motherly love and she just could not provide that.

I just don't know what to do about my relationship with her, it feels like such a raw wound that I have not even began to unpack. I feel very emotionally drained from it all.

Thank you for reading if you made it this far, I really appreciate it.

Love to all,

-Abby

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Default Apr 12, 2021 at 03:26 AM
  #2
Hi Abby, I don't really have anything useful to say but I wanted to say that I think it's great that you recognise that the way your mom treats you is wrong. She failed in supporting you and that's on her, not you. Maybe she puts all the blame on you because she can't emotionally handle the fact that she failed in protecting and supporting you. Because owning up to that would "prove" that she wasn't a good mother to you. That's a truth difficult to accept for parents I guess.
I think there is a point where trying to fix things becomes futile, especially when the other party is unwilling to take responsibility or question their own behaviour. Getting away from her is probably the best thing that you can do at this point. Is there a possibility that you could move out in the near future? I think that would do you good.
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Default Apr 12, 2021 at 05:12 AM
  #3
You can tell her how she can help you heal by saying to stop saying (what you said she says)....You might want to consider writing a letter of "restorative justice."Restorative justice says....this is what you did, this is how it made me feel."You can give the letter to her, or keep it. If you give it to her, she may blame and shame you again, and try to justify her verbal abuse.
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Thanks for this!
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Default Apr 12, 2021 at 12:21 PM
  #4
Thank you both for your replies! I agree that she probably acts this way due to her own underlying guilt about what happened. I am looking into separating at least location wise in hopes that being apart will help things feel better. I think some family therapy would be a good option as well. We will see what happens! Thank you both so much again hugs!

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