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Crazy Oct 16, 2021 at 05:29 AM
  #1
My T recently said to me/us that we experienced childhood emotional neglect.

We described how stoic our mom is, even though we love her very much. We also knew she loved us, but she just didn't show it often.

We experienced other abuses as children, but the most painful one was what we missed - emotional, loving warmth and support from our parents.

We often long for close relationships and a wish that we could go back in time and be loved the right way by our parents - kind of like a do-over. We also long for close friendships, too. But we're also afraid of getting close.

When we asked our T why we were afraid of getting close, she said it was likely from childhood emotional neglect. That made sense.

Our T always allows any of us to speak. My inner children like discussing the toys they have or the treats they like. My inner children want to go outside, but the rest of us are too scared to do so at this time. Our T suggests that there are safe things to do outside, but it's still really hard for our system.

My inner children show me, the grown up, how to have fun. They show me what I've missed out on, and what I've ignored all these years. They also show me how they've protected me from the harms they had experienced and internalized. They don't like icky things, but they feel deeply hurt because they wanted to be loved and never felt loved.

Instead, they blamed themselves for the bad things that happened to them. They still have difficulty with self-blame, even though the teens and adults inside remind them that what happened to them was never their fault. That sometimes makes them feel worse because the betrayal trauma is that much stronger to all of us, actually.

But we do try to learn how to have fun through the littles. It's as if we get a chance to play now because we never had the chance to play way back when.
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Default Oct 16, 2021 at 08:06 AM
  #2
Mercy Sprinkles,
You are getting deep with this one!
I understand the concept of the Inner Child.
I get the loneliness aspect. I live it.

I've never considered Inner Children/Littles, but I think I can grasp where you are coming from.

The one thing about your post that caught my attention was your thoughts on the abuse you suffered as a child due to the lack of affection, love, etc.

I'm not saying you are wrong, but I have a bit of a different take.

My dad was a strict authoritarian. He was not affectionate, not good with us as we were growing up. We feared him. I had my *** worn out more than once by him...raised welts, drew blood...he whipped my ***.

By today's standards that was abuse on many levels, but I don't look at it that way. My father isn't perfect by any means. He made mistakes. What parent doesn't?

What I have come to realize is that my father was doing what he thought was right...he only had his own father as an example. My dad barely graduated H.S. He wasn't educated. He did what he thought was best.

I forgive him for what would be considered abuse today. I truly do not think he wanted to or was trying to abuse me and my siblings. He was just doing what he thought he was supposed to do.

I also noted your focus on "having fun".

I've been accused most of my life of not knowing how to have fun. I won't deny it...by most standards I don't know how....especially if it involves other people.

One thing is for sure, our upbringing, our childhood, has a lasting effect on us.

It is my belief that we all need to acknowledge this and learn to live with the way were raised, hoping to do better in our own lives.

BOM
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Heart Oct 16, 2021 at 06:05 PM
  #3
T R I G G E R * W A R N I N G

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Broken Old Man View Post
Mercy Sprinkles,
You are getting deep with this one!
I understand the concept of the Inner Child.
I get the loneliness aspect. I live it.

I've never considered Inner Children/Littles, but I think I can grasp where you are coming from.
Hi BOM! Thank you so much for your reply! And thanks so much for understanding! I'm going to reply to your reply in sections, so it is easier to follow along. You made a lot of good and interesting points.

Quote:
The one thing about your post that caught my attention was your thoughts on the abuse you suffered as a child due to the lack of affection, love, etc.

I'm not saying you are wrong, but I have a bit of a different take.

My dad was a strict authoritarian. He was not affectionate, not good with us as we were growing up. We feared him. I had my *** worn out more than once by him...raised welts, drew blood...he whipped my ***.

By today's standards that was abuse on many levels, but I don't look at it that way. My father isn't perfect by any means. He made mistakes. What parent doesn't?

What I have come to realize is that my father was doing what he thought was right...he only had his own father as an example. My dad barely graduated H.S. He wasn't educated. He did what he thought was best.

I forgive him for what would be considered abuse today. I truly do not think he wanted to or was trying to abuse me and my siblings. He was just doing what he thought he was supposed to do.
BOM, I'm so sorry you struggled from CEN and physical abuse as a child. Most often than not, physical abuse as a child includes aspects of CEN. There's a lack of warmth and love that every child deserves.

You raise good points about your dad doing the best he could for you, and based on previous upbringings. My dad did as well.

When I studied children's rights in college, I learned that it took animals' rights to promote the need for children's rights. Parenting beforehand included the allowed and legal killing of unruly children, based on some historical data. Lexis Nexis was one of many databases I used to research this, from what I faintly recall in my college years. So, in essence, you are correct in that the parents of yesterday were very different from the parents today.

Ecological systems theory also mentions this notion of chronosystems. The time (chronosystem) back then had different laws, different cultural beliefs, different operations than those of today. So, what you say is correct in terms of your dad (as well as my dad) did the best they could.

I have forgiven my dad in my own different way, and I continue to forgive him and acknowledge his behavioral issues and their possible etiologies/origins. I don't condone or agree with the ways in which children were beaten and emotionally neglected, but I could certainly understand different filial and exosystemic stressors involved back then. There were many stressors back then, but there are also many stressors today. What children's rights brought about were the need to help repair both the children and the parents, not just one or the other. However, I think there's this huge divide between parental rights versus children's rights, which can still be seen to this very day.

Family systems would argue that it's the entire family unit that needs repairing, whereas others might argue that it's individual needs that require repairing. I personally think both arguments are valid, and that everyone needs healing and better tools to cope with stressors.

But no matter the reason, we survivors of childhood maltreatment often minimize our pain through explaining the potential reasons why our parents did what they did. It's also a defense to mask the deep pain that we feel inside, the deep pain that our "inner child" is afraid to feel because us children weren't allowed to feel or express emotions. That then gets internalized as it being our fault, and then it comes out as our parents being the loving, idealized parents that they should have been. What's harder to except is the betrayal trauma we felt in its purest form - the fact that we as children wanted to feel loved, nurtured, cared for, etc. It takes years or sometimes even a lifetime to acknowledge that level of pain in psychotherapy, or in our lives as a whole.

Here's a little about my family upbringing, as I can recall it. It kind of reminds me of yours in a way.

My dad is a veteran of WWII. We believed that he had untreated PTSD from the war. My mother is Japanese, and my dad is White. He used to beat my mom from what we think now were flashbacks. It was traumatic for all of us, including our dad. Our dad would apologize later, but the cycle continued on and on. We explained this recently to our therapist. My dad was kind some days, but he was very mean other days. He, too, thought that he was doing his best as a parent. I believe that our entire family forgave him for what he did, though it left many of us with scars. My dad's anti-Asian hate stemmed from the war, so that left many racial trauma scars on me, which get easily triggered whenever I hear about hate crimes and racism, especially during this pandemic. The ultimate betrayal trauma wound was the emotional neglect received when even my identity was hated by my own father, based on his flashbacks from the war.

Still, I wanted to be brave like him, as well as strong. So I joined the military later. Sadly, however, I experienced MST during my first year in service. That and other traumas resurfaced all of my past childhood traumas in bits and pieces. For many years, I had dissociated my childhood and other young adulthood traumatic experiences. Little by little, my nightmares and flashbacks would remind me of multiple forms of trauma. I became disabled in my 30s.

But out of all those traumas, I truly feel that the lack of affection, warmth, and love for me being just me - how I look, how I identify in this world, etc. - affected me the most. I am perpetually alone, and I feel the world secretly or outwardly hates me. It's hard to feel safe in a world filled with hate, distrust, etc. That became my worldview based on childhood emotional neglect (CEN).

Quote:
I also noted your focus on "having fun".

I've been accused most of my life of not knowing how to have fun. I won't deny it...by most standards I don't know how....especially if it involves other people.
I, too, have been accused of not "having fun." I have a dissociative disorder, in addition to PTSD. So my particular dissociative disorder contains many "inner children," as opposed to the singular "inner child" that those with PTSD or CPTSD from childhood trauma have.

Oftentimes, our inability to have fun demonstrates our lack of experiencing fun during our childhood. It could also be an indicator of being parentified, or having to self-care/self-parent as a child while also caring for others, such as a substance-abusing parent, a disabled parent, a disabled family member, and/or siblings. This notion of not being able to have fun stems a lot from our lack of experience with having fun. It's a loss that deserves grieving over, when appropriate, but it's also an opportunity for us to learn how to have fun - albeit as late-bloomers.

I was parentified as a child. My younger sister almost burnt down the apartment we lived in when I was 7 and she was 5. She tried to "cook paper." She watched me cooking us scrambled eggs when I was 7. She only tried to copy that. I quickly put out the fire with water. Our father was passed out drunk in the bedroom. He nor our mother ever knew. I don't even know if my sister recalled that time. My sister and I remain estranged. It was her birthday yesterday.

My childhood focused on surviving my dad's outbursts, beatings, etc.

His brother, my uncle, was also abusive, but sexually and ritualistically. That's another story of its own.

But my dad would also make sexual comments when he was drunk. He was too drunk to remember what he was saying. But he never harmed me in the same way that my uncle harmed me. Still, it was too much for me to take. So, I dissociated.

My "inner children" recall the events of what happened. Sometimes our "inner children" represent our most core beings of self, as well as the traumatic memories that hit at the core of who we are.

Our inability to have fun sometimes stem from this unspoken belief from a child's perspective that we are undeserving of having fun, which is still a defense that places blame on ourselves and thus maintains this idealization of our parent's being the good ones, the righteous ones. But, indeed, everyone makes mistakes. No one is all good or all bad; we just have things we need to learn in life to improve on our behaviors and our thought processes leading up to those behaviors.

Although we may have lost a lot during childhood trauma, or even during our young adulthood traumas in the military, it's never too late to learn how to play again, to learn how to have fun.

For us veterans, there are recreational rehabilitation groups at the VAMC that you can sign up for (online or in person). I attend the online ones, though my recreational rehabilitation therapist has also offered to meet with me (masked and fully vaccinated) to walk with me for an hour just to get used to walking outside again. I'm not ready for that again, though I did try when our case counts were low. But I have participated in a couple of online groups. We learned how to play Yahtzee, and she even scheduled a one-on-one session to celebrate my birthday with me. I haven't celebrated my birthday with anyone since 2004, I think. So, yes, I do understand the struggle to have fun.

Also, when I was connected with a really good Vet Center, which is housed apart from the VA Hospital, they offer many different activities for veterans to learn how to reintegrate back into society. They teach us how to socialize, have fun, and interact again. They also offer counseling specifically for both combat veterans and MST survivors. Some Vet Centers offer activities such as camping, going to the movies, going to concerts, going horseback riding, going skydiving, having potlucks, and joining art groups. They also have some self-defense courses, mindfulness meditation groups, and yoga available at times. Even those with mobility issues, such as having prosthetics or being in a wheelchair, were able to participate with horseback riding and many other events. They find specialized people to help with those activities at the Vet Center.

I wished they offered more of this for civilians receiving Medicare and/or Medicaid. The disabled and the elderly civilians truly need these benefits, too.

Anyway, I thought I'd mention those things to you, in case you were interested in learning how to have fun. And it's something very common among us veterans, especially disabled veterans, to not really know how to have fun. For many of us, our childhood traumas and military traumas have taught us to emphasize work over a balance with life needs. There's a true benefit to knowing the work-life balance, but that concept has only barely entered today's therapeutics and work cultures.

Quote:
One thing is for sure, our upbringing, our childhood, has a lasting effect on us.

It is my belief that we all need to acknowledge this and learn to live with the way were raised, hoping to do better in our own lives.
Indeed, our childhood as well as our early adulthood (from the ages of 18 to 25, when our brain is finishing its forming, which also largely includes our military experiences as veterans) have lasting effects on us. There are many things we can be proud of, including this notion of overcoming adversities, mustering through, etc. But we also need to acknowledge institutional betrayal, childhood betrayal traumas, other forms of trauma, and injustices that have happened to us. We, as children, deserved to be emotionally supported, loved, connected, and praised for just being who we are as individuals. We didn't deserve to be neglected.

That said, we don't need to succumb to the way we were raised, but rather learn from the mistakes we have made or our family has made against us and move forward from there. There's always room for improvement, growth, and healing. To do better is to acknowledge what wasn't right and then fix what wasn't right. Some things cannot be fixed, but we can certainly learn to adapt with support in this life. It takes more than ourselves; it takes societal efforts, too. Such as finding supportive platforms like this, or finding social support through friends and family. It also takes individual efforts to want to heal, to find room to grieve, to acknowledge, and to learn and grow.

That's where I'm at these days. I'm learning to both grieve and grow. It's not an easy balance. It's very painful, in fact. But it's doable.

Blessings to you my friend and my military brother!

I'm so sorry you have been through many traumas, too!

Here's to us having a growth-based life, and a life where we can explore how to have fun one step at a time.
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Default Oct 16, 2021 at 07:28 PM
  #4
Sprinkles,
I so appreciate your willingness to communicate and shared!

I am an adult child of an alcoholic. I was the oldest of 5 children. My mom used to say I never had an adolescence period in my life. I went from pre-teen to adult. I get what you are saying. I spent several years with a therapist after I moved out by myself--her main focus ended up being my dad, my relationship with my dad, the childhood I had with my dad, etc. I won't say she cured me, but at least now I understand me, or in your terms, us.

I'm not sure I'll ever learn to have much fun, though I'm open to it and willing to try. I've mentioned my short romance right before COVID....She and I had fun together! I can't remember laughing so much! I do ok on my own, but it would be really nice to be able to have fun with other people. I'm not there yet...not sure I will ever get there on a regular basis.

I was in the military but I didn't join till I was 25, almost 26. Prior to that I married the love of my life, my childhood sweetheart, and was divorced 13 months later. Yes, that was very traumatizing. I'm sure I am still traumatized by that, though I have tried hard to face it, take it out and play with it, deal with it. While in the military, I fell into a pretty deep depression. Lots of reasons, which really aren't important at this time, but how I dealt with it is. At that time, it was not really approved of by the military to admit a person might have a mental/emotional issue that needed help, especially if you held high security clearance, which I did. And, being very honest, I likely was too proud to have gone even if it had been condoned. Instead, I tried to play John friggin Wayne and deal with things on my own. The result was a marriage to the ex-wife from hell. I was married to her for 9 years, had two children (she deliberately got pregnant against my wishes both times) the second child born 10 months after the first. I tried to stick it out for the kids but eventually caught myself lying to my mother and realized I didn't even know who I was any more. I left and filed for divorce and then all hell broke loos. . She hid the kids from me, spent years successfully working to turn them against me, and so on and so on and so on. Yes, that was traumatizing.

After that divorce I really started working on me...took my first college course at the age of 40, etc. I made a lot of progress, I think. Then, finding myself pretty much alone in life, I discovered the Internet and started looking for a connection. I found one, my third wife. I'll admit we both jumped into things way too quickly. Easy to see that now. I was not the person she thought she married, I entered another deep depression due to the outcome of a custody fight for my children, and the third marriage rapidly went downhill from there. I'm not perfect, but I can honestly say I tried to make the third one work. I really did. I tried to change to meet her needs, went to counseling she thought I needed, etc. Did that for close to 10 years. Then 5 years ago this Christmas I walked into her bedroom for something and she looked up at me and said, "You need to find another F'ing place to live." So, I did.

As I have said, I've worked hard on myself these past five years. I've dealt with a LOT of issues, many of which I didn't even know I had. I've grown, healed, and find myself at a point in life where I truly like me. Still, I'm convinced I'm just not good at relationships, romantic or platonic and I find myself alone 99% of the time.

And I'm still learning and dealing.

BOM

But, it could be a lot worse. I'm blessed with good health for my age. I'm intelligent by most standards, I make more money that I ever thought possible.
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Default Oct 16, 2021 at 09:43 PM
  #5
BOM,

I'm so sorry you've not had lasting relationships. I've never been married. I came close once, but I turned that down. I just have a hard time being in close relationships. I want to, but I have major trust issues.

I think you have the potential of learning to have fun, or maybe even find enjoyment in your work! My idea of fun includes not only books and art supplies, but also research and sometimes criminal justice stuff. I never had high security clearance, but I did have some forms of security clearance in the past. There's no way I'd be able to now, due to my mental illnesses. I don't even know if I can handle grad school at this point. But I remember feeling joy out of my work. Perhaps you do, too.

Many veterans I've met struggle with relationships. I think we all relate to one another in that regard. My brother is also a veteran, and he's struggling with his marriage. However, he is making it work.

It's understandable to avoid seeking help once you have high security clearance or any job that requires certain levels of fitness. I wish such jobs were more inclusive and understanding. That way, they could allow their employees the time to process things and also heal while also remaining fit for the job. But we're still in the age where mental illnesses are stigmatized. Although, I have heard that certain government jobs are opened to hiring those with certain kinds of mental illnesses, so long as they meet certain criteria and can pass a background check, which I assume would require a good level of social capital, which most people with mental illnesses lack.

Social capital is more than interpersonal relationships; it also includes the friends you hang out with, the people you frequently associate with, and your reputation in work and community circles. Social capital includes instrumental, formal, emotional, and informal support systems. Instrumental support systems include mentors, teachers, your bank, your boss, your coworkers. They all help you with something, and such relationships are also reciprocal if you offer them some sort of help in return.

Formal support systems include having a therapist, seeking help from a physician, etc. They are not always reciprocal relationships since you are typically paying for a service, or at least assigned to one. Having formal social relationships that are strong in offering good healthcare is especially important for those with mental health issues, aging issues, and physiological disabilities. They are also strong when they include your work-based reputation, when seeking advances in your career, etc.

Emotional and informal support systems are sometimes used interchangeably, but informal support systems can be solely instrumentally based, such as having family members who only help you out with finances, or who actually seek your help for finances but never for emotional support. Informal support systems are healthiest when they are reciprocal, but there are some relationships that aren't reciprocal (and therefore not as healthy). Informal support systems include friends, significant others, and family. They can also include spontaneous mentors in the form of friendships, but that gets tricky when there are strange control issues or boundary violations going on between the mentor (the one in control) and the mentee (the subordinate learning).

Being in a romantic relationship offers both instrumental and emotional support for such an informal support, but sometimes the reciprocity isn't balanced. There are many benefits to having informal support systems, but sometimes we are born into toxic relationships with family members, with significant others, and/or with friendships. Having an abusive family background makes it harder to establish healthy informal support systems, and even that much harder to find emotional support systems, as opposed to the mostly-stoic instrumental support systems that appear safest to CEN survivors.

Emotional support systems might not be needed for background checks, but it sure can help when there are major stressors in your life from work, health, the economy, and otherwise - i.e., when your formal support systems are weakened, your informal emotional support systems can really help keep your spirits up while your informal instrumental support systems can help keep a roof over your head and food on your table, etc. Emotional support systems improve our psychosocial health when we have healthy informal relationships. Our formal supports are often advocating that we find more informal support systems that are healthy for us, including friendships and potential romantic relationships, because we can't always lean on a formal support system for emotional support, such as when we seek counseling for formal support, which offers both instrumental (therapeutic) and emotional support, but it's not reciprocal (meaning, you don't offer the same level of instrumental and emotional support in return, like you would a friend or family member or significant other). Emotional support can be strengthened through formal supports like therapy and mentoring relationships, but informal relationships is where the strongest forms of emotional support are - that is, if we have enough social capital in that area.

For many of us with mental health challenges, it's hard to engage in informal support systems - with family, with romantic relationships, and with friends. Trust is hard, emotional attachments and closeness are challenging, reciprocity might be lacking due to our own lack of assertiveness and/or boundaries, reciprocity might also be lacking because we're choosing the wrong people for our life, and loneliness due to a lack of closeness to others interferes with our ability to obtain or maintain informal support systems. So then we lean on formal support systems for help, such as with therapists, psychiatrists, doctors, school, and work. But then we realize something deep is missing in our lives, so we try something safer - like online groups, which offer many benefits for emotional support and even some instrumental support (when we are engaged in learning or offering support to others). But our in-person experiences remain distal.

I miss human contact, and I do miss romance. I'm just triggered by those things. My PTSD makes it almost impossible for me to enjoy those things, even though I miss those things, if that makes sense. So it's really difficult for me to engage in relationships.

Finding out why I've struggled relationships is half the battle - at least for me.
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Default Oct 16, 2021 at 10:27 PM
  #6
Sprinkles,
I think I understand.
I too have significant trust issues. Very significant trust issues.

As for background checks, the main focus today is felonies and drug use. If you have either of those, you will have a hard time. If you don't, then it comes down to the interviews they will have with family/friends/acquaintances and whether they deem you trustworthy or not. I've had high security clearances for over 40 years...yes I'm old. Will be 67 in Nov...but I don't let age define me.

Its interesting you bring up gaining enjoyement form work. There once was a time when I did, though I was terrible at work/live balance. i always put work first (prob part of the probs with my failed marriages). I defined myself for much of my career by my job...right up till the point where I basically got fired and put out to pasture. In the governement we don't actually become unemployed when we get fired, we just lose all responsibility/authority and are put in a less influential job. I had worked my arse off to achieve a certain level within the organization. I made it to where I wanted to be. Had a LOT of responsibility, lots of people working for me, etc. But, I've never been a yes man and in today's environment, people who speak their minds are not wanted. So, I was fired, taken out of my dream job, put into a job with little impact or meaning and essentially put out to pasture. I've accepted my fate and in some ways, it is actually better. I have little responsibility and no stress. Do I enjoy it...no, I get maybe half a dozen phone calls a week and make almost no decisions...but it sure pays well. No, I don't enjoy my job. I'm working till the wife reaches retirement age and can qualify for medicare/aide. and social security. She hasn't worked in almost 20 years, has no friends, no job, no income and no insurance. I take care of her because I believe it is the right thing to do and also because I know it is what God wants me to do (another long story, but God actually spoke to me about 12-15 years ago and told me that's what he/she wants). I hope to retire in the next 18 to 24 months.

Support systems--for the very most part, I am my own support system. I had a great therapist, but she did what she could for me and suggested I move on...I didn't need her any more. She was right I think. She helped me a LOT. I will forever be grateful for her and the time she spent helping me heal. I thought I had a couple real friends until I needed them earlier this year and they weren't there, weren't up to the challenge, didn't answer the call. The "wife" is there if I need a ride or something like that, but that is all. I certainly don't look to her for any emotional support...I can't talk to her about what is in my head. Just doesn't work.

I had the one good friend, the one I also had a short romance with before COVID, but she took her own life last Feb.

I've made one new connection...with someone I deeply care about, but she is much younger, and her life is a total mucking mess right now. Its all she can do to keep her head above water for herself and her son. She just doesn't have time for me. Doesn't mean she doesn't want to, just that she doesn't, at least not right now.

I have one brother who tries, but his support is superficial. I love him to death, but I can't talk to him.

So, I am my own support. I pray a lot. Sometimes I think my prayers are heard. At other times, I don't think so.

I guess that is why I came to this place. Just looking to share, to communicate.

I understand your missing human contact, I really do. I had a little with my friend who took her life and I've experienced a very little amount with my current friend who doesn't have time for me. Just enough to know I miss it and need it.

I understand.

And I appreciate you. You are being very open and honest with me. That is rather unique in my life.

I know you are a good person. I hope you stick around here. I' m sure you will be a huge asset.

BOM
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Default Oct 16, 2021 at 11:32 PM
  #7
BOM,

I'm so so sorry to hear about your friend who took her life! That is so traumatic, even if you don't feel it's traumatic. My deepest condolences to you and her loved ones. That must have been hard - especially during a pandemic and all the other stressors we're dealing with!

I'm approaching my late-40s. I just had a birthday last month. I'm 47 years old. I suppose that is my late-40s, but I try to pretend that I'm still in my mid-40s. LOL.

My half-sister just celebrated her 70th birthday. We speak by phone. She's in California, and she works as a dental assistant. She is fully vaccinated and I think plans on getting her booster soon, if she hasn't already gotten it. I swear that she is in way better shape than I am, given all of my physical disabilities. I'm compromised, so I would never have been able to survive COVID-19, if I ever got it. Thankfully, I never got it. She survived C19 twice, the first time without being diagnosed because they didn't give her a test, and the second time with having a positive test. We were all really worried for her. But she is very healthy, so she did all that and received the vaccines.

My other half-sister is in her 60s, and she's a NICU nurse. She also owns a horse ranch in California. I don't know her too well, but she and the dental half-sis know me. We all have the same abusive father, only they were taken away from my dad and placed in foster care. They were split apart, and only the NICU nurse got adopted, whereas the other half-sis was in multiple foster homes. By the time I was born, our dad had remarried. I was the "fortunate" one who remained with my father until his passing, when I was around the age of 18. We all endured through childhood traumas, and we all are adult children of an alcoholic father. Sadly, however, their mother was murdered (by someone in some desert, from what I recall). So they struggle with that. I wasn't born when they all experienced that, and my father was far away and had alibis, so they knew it wasn't him. But they also knew that my father wasn't fit to be a father back then, so all of his children (my half-siblings) went into foster care.

We all have struggled with interpersonal relationships.

I still consider anyone under 80 "young." But then again, my secret wish is that we all live into our 100s, and that healthcare will improve enough to where the average lifespan will increase into our 100s. Given the vitriol of today, however, it seems our lifespan is decreasing instead of increasing. But still, I have hope.

I'm struggling with life transitions from middle-age on up.

There's so much of what you say that resonates with me. So many similarities.

You are fortunate to have a job, to be able to work for the government, to have a good social standing there, etc. I'm sorry about your demotion from the past, but at least you were true to yourself and were still employed. That's good that you spoke your mind!

I'm also sorry that you struggle with personal relationships. I do, too.

I struggle with both friendships and romantic relationships. I'm still friends with my ex, but I just wanted to be friends with him. So we remained friends. He's also bisexual and non-monogamous, which wasn't something I was comfortable with. I respect his wishes, but I really prefer monogamous relationships, especially concerning health safety. I've got enough health problems, LOL. But he seems to be safe, so he's doing well. He's a professor, and he lives in a different state.

I'm out in the northwestern region. I'm about a state away from you, actually. Whenever our local Vet Center's call center line is busy, or when it's after-hours, we get rerouted to Colorado's Vet Center. If you call your local Vet Center (instead of the Veterans Crisis Line), the Vet Center in Colorado actually picks up. I think they're in Denver, but I'm not sure. They know me by name there. They will relay a message to my contacts at the Vet Center where I'm at. They have licensed therapists there, as opposed to the Veterans Crisis Line (which can be a range of specialists, not necessarily licensed). Sometimes I prefer calling the after-hours Vet Center line just to speak with one of them when I'm struggling.

It does help socializing online. It also helps to have a balance of in-person relationships locally. I do have a few friends I met online locally who will hopefully become in-person friends when this pandemic is finally handled, or when the endemic has some reprieve - whichever comes first. But I only have two friends. They're not that close, but I can tell we are all struggling to get closer. I've grown closer to one lady, who is a multiracial Japanese like me. She's happily married with children, and she was an ABD PhD dropout. I never applied to a PhD program, but I was on track for one as a late-bloomer in college during my 40s - something you and I have in common. I still wish I could apply to a doctoral program so that I could conduct research in the community and with either a government agency or a nonprofit organization. However, that dream seems to be slipping from my reach, so I do what I can now to survive. My friend tells me that she enjoys her job working for a contractor that works with NASA. I thought that was impressive. She was told that she could never find a job if she earned a terminal master's, and if she went ABD. That wasn't true. She found a great job! Still, it takes a toll when you lose a dream like that. My ex, the professor, also went ABD from Stanford. To me, though, they at least have their master's degrees and a job and good mental health, although both of my friends are seeing or have seen therapists and psychiatrists to help them.

(PS - ABD means "all but the dissertation" - they didn't finish their dissertation.)

I think it is really kind of you to remain married and help out your wife, given that she has no job and she had kicked you out. I don't understand why she would do that to you, but perhaps she's struggling with mental health problems of her own, which may include triggers or something. Still, that doesn't seem fair to you. It sounds like you care for her. I hope she is still a good friend at least to you.

I used to be a Christian, but I'm more agnostic now. I pray though. I pray all the time, but in my own unique way. I do have a bible, and I do believe a lot of things that Christians and Catholics believe. I do believe in God and Jesus Christ. I was just hurt by a lot of people in church, and I was also spiritually and ritualistically abused in the past, so church becomes a trigger. Still, I understand when people feel connected to God in such a way that they believe they are doing God's works by helping others. Those are real fruits of love, grace, mercy, compassion. At least that is better than judgment.

I was really hurt from judgment throughout my life. I believe there's a rule somewhere on here about no religious talk, though I think processing things might be allowed. I don't know. But I won't go beyond what I've said just here. I think it's great that you have a kind heart to help your wife, and that you find strength in your spirituality. Spiritual beliefs/religious beliefs and practices, when not harmful, are considered strengths and protective factors and one of the components of post-traumatic growth. Sadly, when spirituality becomes harmful, then it becomes part of the trauma as well as a barrier to certain levels of post-traumatic growth. There's some research out there explaining all this. I was really into the social sciences and that kind of research. It was fun while it lasted.

Anyway, it was great conversing with you! Thank you! I look forward to seeing you on the forum soon!
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Default Oct 17, 2021 at 12:20 AM
  #8
Sprinkles,
I'm going to make this final post tonight, then go to bed.

I fully understand ABD. I actually finished my doctorate. It took me six years, but I stuck to it and made it happen. I did it selfishly for just me, just to prove I could do it, just to prove to myself that I was good enough.

I've gone beyond that now. I accept myself. I like myself. I have nothing else to prove to myself.

I will say this tho, if I, as a dumb hick from rural Indiana can do it, so can anyone else. I'm NOT special. I'm just determined.

I believe there is a God, though I quit trying to define that term, God.

I am NOT a religious person and have significant issues with most religions. They have forgotten why they were formed in my opinion, have forgotten their purpose, and are only out for their own growth and profit. Sad really. We as a species need God now more than ever imo.

Yes, I care for my wife, who really isn't a wife. I want to and will do what I believe is right. I won't kick her to the curb. Yes she has her own issues, but she is basically a good and caring person. I won't muck her over like so many have.

I've felt for a long time that I will eventually die alone. I've accepted that. And, I'm ok with it. I only hope that as I approach that point in my life, (hopefully not for another 20 years or so) that I can be a positive influence in other people's lives. If I can do that, then I will be fulltilled in this life.

God bless you Sprinkles!

I'm off to bed.

BOM

After all, isn't that what we are ultimately here for in the first place?
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Default Oct 17, 2021 at 12:56 AM
  #9
BOM,

Thank you for yet another thoughtful reply. I hope you have a good evening.

And congratulations on your many accomplished tasks in life, including your dissertation and doctoral degree! Yay! And bless your heart for helping your wife! You have a good heart!

I hope you don't die alone though. Too many people have died alone, which is sad. That's my fear, too. I live alone, and I'm estranged from family. I have no significant other, and I'm not yet connected to my daughter (who is now in college). I'm trying to form connections in IRL as well as online, but IRL is tough.

I hope we here all remain safe and connected to someone healthy in our lives, and I hope we all can find healing or at least management of our conditions while also surviving through these tough times.
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