Writing about my life

The last seven/eight years, I have completely grew apart from my family so instead of putting the blame on anybody else, I began to free-write about my life. What I discovered was that I am truly not to blame for why my family treated me the way they did and still are treating me. From the beginning, even before being conceived, I was not wanted. My mother took pills to abort me, and my mother seemed to be the only one pregnant while she was pregnant with me. I have no cousins my age. It was like I was destined to not be wanted and to be alone. My mother emotionally was already cold, but she thrww me on my sisters whom were also being neglected, but because I was the responsibility of a six year old and a seven year old. And that explained why everytime I got drunk I would cry about why my sisters treated me differently.

My ex boyfriends always wondered why I didn't like to cuddle and my children would hold me for moments that I'm unconfortable with. Why am I like that? Especially with my kids. Since my mother and sisters were too busy hating me, I was closer to my father and brothers, but my mother would make remarks whenever I'd hug them referring to my affection as sexual behaviors. I would always feel bad when I would pull away from my own children, but now I know that it was a serious, real, and valid "excuse" for doing so. This self reflection is slowly, but surely make things more emotionally uncertain, but mentally it humbles me. I am angry, but I look at my family and I almost feel sorry for them. That they think they are perfect, but do know the consequences of what they are doing.

They do things for their benefit and I am not their only victim, but because they have money. People do associate money with power because without money my mother would be an illiterate, non-educated, who barely understands English, women, at that. It is without a doubt that as a child I was emotionally neglected.

What your mother said about hugging your father and brother was wildly inappropriate; it’s normal to want to show people we love affection. Unless there was an element of lust (which I’m not suggesting there was, in your case) then it wasn’t sexual behaviour. Just your mother trying to shame you for her own reasons.
From what you have written, you have good reasons to be angry, though you still need to take care to process it in healthy ways going forward. It’s not a linear process, either, but hopefully as time goes on you’ll get more clarity and eventually a sense of inner peace.

I feel for your situation! I, too, went through severe emotional neglect and abuse. About six months ago, with the help of my therapist and a few other factors, I came to realize that I had been adopted by a narcissist. She (my supposed mother) couldn't even accept me as her child, and yet she pretended to everyone, including immediate family members, that she had accepted me. Not only did she tell me when I was five that I "wasn't technically family" (when she told me I was adopted), but all her actions thereafter supported what she had told me. Just a couple examples, but when my sister died (she was 11, I was 13) literally no one in the family was there for me, and to make matters even worse I wasn't allowed at her funeral even though I was closer to her than anyone in the family, and everyone and their grandmothers were there. Second example is when I got married. I didn't even ask them to pay for it (I knew they wouldn't anyway), but I did just ask if they would come and they flat out refused. Essentially the bottom line was that I struck out twice when it came to family because even though on paper it says I had one, the reality of the situation was quite different.

I too am writing my story. My therapist has strongly encouraged it, but I've also been encouraged to do it by several others over the years. I just haven't tried to till now, but now I have a reason to do it and it's not for myself. My therapist firmly believes it's a powerful story, and really needs to be shared. I find that it's not easy to write, so kuddo's to you for doing that!

I do like to give my kids hugs just because I love and appreciate them so much, but I'm not mushy about it, either. My boys are huggers while my daughter is not. Not everyone is a hugger, and that's ok.

Have you ever considered figuring out what your love language is? Not everyone likes physical touch (which is fine), but there are other ways to show affection. My love language is quality time. I don't need physical touch (the hugs). Just a couple weeks ago my oldest son took me and his sister out to dinner. The food was good, but to me the company was the best part about it. My kids and I had so much fun that night, and it meant the world to me. (And they know it!) I think it could be helpful to learn what yours is so that you can give yourself some credit where you do excel where your kids are concerned, and to learn what type of affection means the most to you on the receiving end, too. All that to say, I would encourage you not to be too hard on yourself about that aspect.

One last thing and I hate to say it, but your mom sounds like a complete idiot. That kind of statement from her actually sounds like probable projection onto you, meaning that's actually one of her issues and she projected it onto you. That's why people like that say those kinds of things. It was something meant to shame you, not protect you, and it was wrong! Only you know your intention behind the hugs (which I believe it was pure). That's what really matters, not her "opinion". Her opinion doesn't make it a fact. I hope you can stand on that.

There's a psychiatrist on YouTube. Her name is Doctor Ramani. I understand that she the the foremost leading expert, in the US, on narcissism. She has over 800,000 subscribers because her info is so valuable to so many people. She's a Dr, researcher, professor and author, and her greatest attributes are her kindness, validation and sincerity to help those of us effected by such emotional abuse and neglect. You can read the comments, and find a lot of people like yourself. It's a very supportive and understanding community on her channel. I share this as an additional resource of information and support for you. She puts out video's 6-7 days a week, usually seven. I love her down to earth approach, and she knows what it's like because she too has been a victim of their abuse. Hope you can find it helpful - if you choose to check it out. She's helped provide a lot of healing and understanding for those of us who've been through it, and I would say that what she shares is so spot on, too.

All the best to you!