Trying to have an adult relationship when...

I'm trying to understand how to navigate a close family member who I've always wanted to bond with but feel I need to be more realistic now. There is a background and constant reminders to contend with.

For example I can't say "I don't want to talk about that right now" without them having the last word which can make me self-conscious that the situation is unacceptable to them and they need to assign blame, and implies that I'm somehow special. They have a history of pointing out my 'failures' in a way that removes my credibility in a situation and implies that I'm incapable. This dehumanising has been used in the past to 'put me in my place' so I'm sensitive to it, and potentially good conversation can be ruined at any moment by a few words. If I try to tell them about it, it rarely ends well.

I suspect some insecurity there, like a need to 'stack the deck'. They've had their share of childhood challenges which are still active in them... I feel that I have to be competitive in this situation but I have no desire to compete with this person. I need to have a thick skin to succeed emotionally here but that means I can't open up.

I too have someone like that in my life. I can identify with you. Wish I knew what to say to help.

People who point out your "failures" are insecure. You have every right to state your feelings......

I would be wary of trying to bond with such a person, to be honest. You can’t control their behaviour and you know they’re going to make you feel bad, possibly even on purpose.
I can sympathise with you, however. I’d like to have a closer relationship with my mum, but unless things improve after I leave home it’s not going to happen. I find it difficult to open up to her, because I’m never sure if I’ll just get dismissed, shamed or blamed somehow. The inconsistency of her responses alone makes me think twice about telling her stuff.

I think of all the things I could have said but didn't, because they're the kind of thing that's been used against me in the past. It's all a bit silly, actually it's a shame.

I've tried keeping my distance but somehow they manage to stay in the loop and have something unexpected to contribute. It seems there are two kinds of people. One will walk up to a fish tank and tap on the glass with their fingernails, because any attention is good attention.