Need support - working the John Bradshaw inner child process

Hi
I’m wondering whether anyone on the board, might be familiar with John Bradshaw’s inner child process that he describes in his book HOMECOMING.

I’ve been working through the programme over the last year, and am currently working on the school going phase. PS: It’s hard work!

As part of this process, I’m supposed to share my school age child history WITH A SUPPORT PERSON. Ideally it should be someone with whom I have a relationship, and who I can trust to be an empathetic witness, and validate my experience.

Unfortunately I don’t have anyone in my circle at the moment who is available or capable of fulfilling that role for me. I can’t afford a therapist at this time.

So I’m wondering if sharing my story here could be an option. Whilst not ideal, it feels better than not sharing at all. I’m also happy to be a work-buddy for other people on the forums who might be working this or similar programs. Please feel free to PM me.

I’ll send through the detail in next message.
Thanks in advance for your support.

Eejya

I have DID, so I'm not there yet with that treatment, and I'm not sure if that treatment will ever be used on me. I feel as though it's hard to find a good trauma therapist during this traumatic pandemic, and many trauma therapists (like mine) seem to be doing more coping skills treatments than they are trauma processing treatments. It's like they aren't ready, even though we might be.

Given that observation, there is a notion that observers or listeners could get PTSD from secondary traumas, such as from being a therapist and listening to a bunch of traumas all day, or from well-meaning friends/family trying to help. It's always best when there's a support group, rather than depend on solely one person or even a few people - one at a time. That may create more stress and letdowns than the kind of supportive network you need for that kind of healing. And that kind of healing should be done with a trauma specialist, not alone. But if you must go it alone, due to the lack of therapists these days, then do find a Zoom-like or safe outdoors-but-in-person support group that can offer trauma healing and processing, or do find a therapist who can allow you to be part of their trauma groups. You can also try a support group here, but we are anonymous and not always available at the same time for specific groups. The lack of consistency won't do much good in terms of healing in that way. It's just some things to think about for you, the OP, as well as for those who might consider being your buddy. Use caution, do self-care, do set boundaries, and do realize that listening to and/or reading trauma many times might exacerbate mental health issues or even create PTSD in those who don't have it. It might be healing for some, but it's hard to truly say. Just be cognizant and mindful of those things when asking for that kind of help. This is particularly why it is important to have a licensed professional overseeing this level of work.

Dear SprinkL3

Thank-you for your comments. I appreciate your concern.

PS I'm sorry, what is DID?

Hi all

As per my original post starting this thread, I'm posting below an overview of my experiences in the school-going stage (age 6-13 per J.Bradshaw guidelines).

Age 6/7 – Grade 1

• Started school year at School 1. Was located in another suburb, so sent to live with grandparents and aunties (maternal). One of aunts taught at school1. Sent home at weekends.

• Maternal family were cold, mean, critical. Towards me, and even with one another. Went home weekends

• Felt lonely, outsider, unwanted, abandoned, tolerated.

• One day during recess, the middle finger of my left hand got caught in a door that slammed shut. Rushed to doctor with tip of finger hanging on by skin. Bleeding all over uniform.

• Partway through the year, was moved to another school (school2), because the teacher aunt was taking a sabbatical. Sent to live with another maternal aunt, her husband, and 5 kids. My cousins attended School 2.

• Again felt like outsider. Must be on best behavior, can’t rock the boat. Must be helpful around the house to please them.

• Recall an incident where I received end of year report card (first in class). My aunt made a fuss, and gave me a biscuit she just baked. My cousin started a jealous fight with me, made me feel unwelcome.

Age 7/8 – Grade 2

• Started Grade 2 at School 2, continuing to live with my aunt’s family during the school week.

• Part way through the year, my parents and 2 younger siblings moved to our new house, and I went to live with them again. Started at School3 – my third school in one and a half years.

• I recall being introduced to my new class, self-conscious about wearing the wrong school uniform, since my parents did not have the money to immediately replace the old school uniform.

• Again feeling like the outsider, forced to fit in.

• My second brother (4th sibling including me, the eldest), was born towards the end of this year.

• We all cramped into one bedroomed flatlet (with no electricity for the first few months), while the main house was being built on the premises.

• A positive memory during this time, my teacher praising me for being the cleverest in the class.

Age 8/9 – Grade 3

· Don’t recall anything specific

Age 9/10 – Grade 4

• My last sister born towards the end of this year. Recall one of my mother’s sister’s (from whom she was estranged), saying to me: isn’t it time your mother stopped having babies (I recall feeling ashamed and embarrassed for my family. And a burden to our extended family. We were the pitiful poor relations)

• At this point we had moved into the main house, still unfinished, but livable. Took years to complete, since our family struggled financially.

• Recall incident in flatlet where one-plate gas stove caught alight, curtains and wall burned. My father’s hands got burned when he put out the fire.

Age 10/11 – Grade 5

• Around this time started new after-school religious classes, 4 X a week. One of the teachers took an interest in me. Like a mentor. Was supportive, encouraged me, and stood up for me. Got the sense that he respected my intelligence, hard work and spunk. Felt like one of his favorites.

• Conflict with mother escalating. Ostensibly the source is me being expected to take on household chores and caring for my younger siblings. My brother immediately after me was free to play outside. Told I was the eldest and the girl. I resented being cooped up inside with my youngest siblings, and felt burdened by the responsibility. Felt powerless to stand up for myself.
• Remember feeling I hate children, especially babies.

Age 11/12 – Grade 6 and Age 12/13 Grade 7

· Excelling at school. Each year win all academic prizes.
· Reading becomes my escape

Age 13/14 – Grade 8

• Start high school
• Feel young compared to my peers, who are interested in boys and dating. I’m late bloomer, with strict parents, and the school nerd. Feel socially out of my depth, and awkward.
• Self-conscious about my appearance. Feel ugly compared to my cousins and peers. Take refuge in the clever girl identity. My aunts criticize and belittle my appearance. Recall an incident of my aunt making fun of my big nose.

General

• Parents constantly fighting. Ostensibly about money. And how pathetic he is. Mother the aggressor, treats him with contempt. Father passive, tries to appease her. Feel like they hate each other.

• Children get caught in cross-fire. My mother co-opts the children in her fights with my father

• Physical punishment by mother (with belt or slap in face). Silent treatment by mother.

• Mother has unpredictable moods. Feel like she's there, but not there. Verbal attacks. Guilt-trips. Threats that God is going to punish us, me especially. She doesn't know why I bother to pray, because I'm such an awful person.
• You either with her or against her. Father does not protect us against her. I feel like the scapegoat. Blamed and nothing I did was good enough. She told me repeatedly I’m just like my father, and that wasn’t a good thing. My brother was/is the golden child, surrogate husband role - given special treatment. He gets the rewards and recognition, and I get the responsibility, blame and punishment. Feel misunderstood and even falsely accused sometimes.

• Very little warmth and kindness or support in the home. Can’t remember any physical affection except sometimes from my father.

• Financially struggling even though my father worked all his life till his late 70’s and even after-hour jobs. My mother never worked outside the home.

• Felt so humiliated at school one day. My siblings and I all had lice in our hair for years, especially the girls. It was “normal”. But mine was the worst somehow. One day my teacher inspected my head in front of the class and called me out for having so much lice and nits.

• Maybe the hardest part is that my mother presented to the world, this image of the perfect nicest mother. The long suffering self-sacrificing wife. The perfect loving harmonious family. God fearing and upstanding members of community. The opposite of the miserable unstable lonely fearful reality. I feel like I grew up carrying lots of shame, and trying to make sense of the cognitive dissonance of my reality vs what she portrayed.

• Having friends was frowned upon. Seen as being disloyal. We were only allowed to associate with her family. We hardly saw my father’s side of the family. One of the unwritten family rules: why do you need friends when you have family.

• Growing up, I remember thinking I don’t ever want to get married.

Thanks for reading.

Given my family history, a part of me still feels disloyal posting these details here. My family would consider this to be a betrayal of the family rules.