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Eejya
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Default Jan 27, 2022 at 10:02 AM
  #1
Hello

One of my coping mechanisms is to be in my head.

So I've started doing body centred practises, connecting to emotions via the body. Today I did a meditation practice of getting in touch with body sensations(some of you may be familiar with focussing technique and the felt sense).

Anyway, I was led to my abdomen area, solar plexus just below ribs. What came up, was the sensation and word HOLLOW.

Further enquiry led to "not there". and then came the punchline of "I don't exist" "I don't matter".

And with that the childhood memory arose of my mother's pattern of silent treatment. In addition to the physical beating, and meanness, this tactic was like agonising torture to me.

I remembered the public shame, feeling like nothing. And the increasing desperation to reconnect and get back into her good books as the days (sometimes weeks) went by.

Now I understand the feeling of hunger that can't seem to be filled.

Can any of you relate to this?

Last edited by Eejya; Jan 27, 2022 at 10:39 AM..
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Default Jan 27, 2022 at 02:41 PM
  #2
I can definitely relate to what you wrote although I have trouble expressing it. Thanks for posting what you did.
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Default Jan 27, 2022 at 11:58 PM
  #3
i can relate to the feeling of emptiness. i am sorry your mother was so unkind to you. you did not deserve that.

i read one of your other posts in which you said you spoke lovingly to yourself. i think you are on a very positive path. i hope that will lead to some healing for you.

do you know why your mother was the way she was?

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Default Jan 28, 2022 at 01:40 PM
  #4
Thank-you @Yaowen and @TerryL for sharing, and for your encouragement.


I do feel like I'm on some transformational path, though its not always easy. Sometimes it feels like the path is a spiritual one, for want of a better word. In that it feels like I'm being called, or it's my life purpose to heal from the family stuff.

Part of the process for me, is trying to be loving and compassionate to myself. I admit it still feels awkward and contrived sometimes, but it's getting better. What has helped enormously is getting 2 cats, and through being with those cutie pie furry bundles of joys , it has allowed me to access a part of myself I doubted existed, (notwithstanding all the spiritual texts I read) which I now use to approach my inner selves with warm regard.

Regarding the question of why my mother was/is the way she is: It's the classic, inter general trauma that has never been resolved; or rather is vehemently denied, and is thus acted out through the generations.


My mother grew up in a big family, with a mother who was similarly mean, cold, self righteous and critical - but presented the front of the perfect mother. The way my mother is with us, is the way my granny was with them (and us as grandchildren). To use the jargon, my mother is herself a wounded inner child.


They all act like it's normal (the family drama, the never ending feuds, domestic violence, etc). None of my aunts or uncles are close to their children other than in an obligatory, dutiful way.

As part of my journey, I researched the family history, and discovered that my maternal grandmother lost her mother through sudden death at 12 year's old. Her father remarried, but she and her only brother did not live with him and his new wife. They were raised by another family member. In my view, abandonment and the pain and fear of being unwanted are the at the core of the maternal family wound.


At the stage I'm at, I must admit that my mother's childhood experience is a fact, but is not at the forefront of my mind right now. Beyond a cognitive level knowing, little me is not yet completely ready to accept and forgive, and look with compassion through the lens of my mother's woundedness.

For most of my life, even as a child, my mother's wellbeing was my focus, trying to understand her, please/obey her, and make allowances for her behavior. The behavior, which only recently I've been able to name as abuse.


I feel like I've made progress, but I guess I'm still in the stage of grieving the loss and the pain. I'm still trying to find a way through, and this is taking all my focus and energy right now.
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Default Jan 28, 2022 at 01:43 PM
  #5
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Originally Posted by Yaowen View Post
I can definitely relate to what you wrote although I have trouble expressing it. Thanks for posting what you did.
@Yaowen

I'm wondering whether for you it's your mother or your father that is the source of the painful experience?
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Default Jan 28, 2022 at 01:52 PM
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i can relate to the feeling of emptiness. i am sorry your mother was so unkind to you. you did not deserve that.

i read one of your other posts in which you said you spoke lovingly to yourself. i think you are on a very positive path. i hope that will lead to some healing for you.

do you know why your mother was the way she was?
@TerryL

I've been reflecting more on this emptiness feeling, or as it manifests for me: I don't matter. I don't exist. Also symbolizing the facade of the false self I adopted in order to cope as a child


And realising that no wonder my life turned out less than ideal! Since I just played out the same thing My mother did to me: I treated myself like I don't matter. And I allowed others to do the same.

It now seems so clear.

I'm wondering how the emptiness feeling expresses itself in your life?
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Default Jan 28, 2022 at 02:14 PM
  #7
Eejya,When I watched "Hollowman " movie,I related so much.For the first time I could put my finger on how I felt.I am there, but no there.No body sees me,I do not exist. Just invisible like Hollowman.
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Default Jan 29, 2022 at 01:53 PM
  #8
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Originally Posted by Eejya View Post
@TerryL

I've been reflecting more on this emptiness feeling, or as it manifests for me: I don't matter. I don't exist. Also symbolizing the facade of the false self I adopted in order to cope as a child


And realising that no wonder my life turned out less than ideal! Since I just played out the same thing My mother did to me: I treated myself like I don't matter. And I allowed others to do the same.

It now seems so clear.

I'm wondering how the emptiness feeling expresses itself in your life?
hi eejya, my emptiness manifests itself when i have to interact face to face with others. with some people, i have no idea what expression i should have on my face and i know they can feel my dilemma. i am convinced this issue is from not getting enough positive mirroring from the person who cared for me when i was young. (my parents worked) my sister told me that person was vile and manipulative and was mean even to her own son. i don't have any negative memories of her though, actually i don't have any memories of interacting with her at all.

like you, i have tried speaking positively to myself too. to try to give myself what i did not get.

i agree with you that understanding why your mother was the way she was does not mean you have to forgive her. i was just hoping it could lead to some peace for you. how she treated you is not a reflection of your worth.

as for animals, i understand what you mean about them bringing out your true self. they make me so happy too and i am totally at ease with them.

i feel there must be a way to fix things. besides the self-soothing, there is therapy of course but finding the right therapist can be a challenge. don't laugh but i have started watching toddler teaching videos. the teacher is very positive and warm. am hoping my neglected inner child will respond to her. it's worth a try. in japan, one can even rent pretend family members. some people do that to try to fix the past. it's an unusual concept but i will keep an open mind.

anyways, i really hope you will find a way to heal. don't give up

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Default Jan 30, 2022 at 09:37 AM
  #9
Hi @TerryL

What you describe about the impact of the facial expressions reminds me about reading about the Still-Face experiment with infants. My understanding is that this study demonstrated the profound impact of the mother's expression and body language on the infant, and where the mother was non-responsive, even after a few seconds, the infant became extremely distressed. and if it was habitual, the infant would learn maladaptive coping mechanisms to deal with this, that would be carried into adulthood.

This really helped me to understand

some of why it's so hard for me in relationships.

my cognitive mind definitely believes it's possible to heal, based on some of the things I've read.As you say, finding the right therapist is important. I wish I could afford a therapist. I'm in group therapy, but I feel like I need a one-on one relationship in which to get the blueprint to receiving validation, empathy, etc. Of course I'm trying to do it for myself, but I wish I had a dedicated external resource.

I completely understand the appeal of watching those videos. I think it's a great idea. We need to find the surrogate good parenting wherever we can.


Just want to say that you have been kind and warmly supportive to me, a stranger, so I hope you can acknowledge that you DO have it within you. And to continue to give the same warm regard to yourself.

Take care TerryL
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Default Feb 01, 2022 at 05:02 AM
  #10
i have seen the still face experiment. it is really fascinating and explains a lot for me too. it's hard to break out of the 'i don't matter' mindset if that was how you were made to feel by the person who raised you, but your mother had her issues so how she treated you was more her problem than yours, and not a reflection of your value. i read a good self-help book once called 'healing your emotional self' by beverly engel which, if memory serves, basically taught that.

i prefer private therapy also although i sometimes found it lacking and didn't always come away feeling better. i do wonder if there is a better way? i think self-soothing is a good alternative. just keep being kind to yourself. i'll keeping trying too.

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Default Feb 14, 2022 at 06:30 PM
  #11
Quote:
Originally Posted by Eejya View Post
Hello

One of my coping mechanisms is to be in my head.

So I've started doing body centred practises, connecting to emotions via the body. Today I did a meditation practice of getting in touch with body sensations(some of you may be familiar with focussing technique and the felt sense).

Anyway, I was led to my abdomen area, solar plexus just below ribs. What came up, was the sensation and word HOLLOW.

Further enquiry led to "not there". and then came the punchline of "I don't exist" "I don't matter".

And with that the childhood memory arose of my mother's pattern of silent treatment. In addition to the physical beating, and meanness, this tactic was like agonising torture to me.

I remembered the public shame, feeling like nothing. And the increasing desperation to reconnect and get back into her good books as the days (sometimes weeks) went by.

Now I understand the feeling of hunger that can't seem to be filled.

Can any of you relate to this?
I can relate to the silent treatment (from both parents) and also the meanness and physical beating. And public shame... I could share details, one particularly ''memorable'' time aged 5 (but I don't want to share it here )

Thank you for the poignant and articulate post.

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Default Apr 13, 2022 at 07:57 PM
  #12
I can relate almost exactly to everything you have described here, including the background of your mother's trauma and her controlling behavior. It is actually pretty uncanny!

I'm so glad that you have fur babies to care for and who give you compassion and love. A story that I think I have inherited from my childhood is that, particularly as a woman, I should take care of and nurture others - but the communication I received from my mom when I tried is that my efforts are not good enough. So while I was told to be more nurturing and loving, I also have a lot of shame and doubts about my ability to actually nurture and love others. Animals are such an amazing way to build that connection and heal. I don't know if/when I will have pets again and I'm unsure whether I want children - but I hope that I'm able to have that connection with someone and see myself as a caring, nurturing person again. Like you say about your pets, " it has allowed me to access a part of myself I doubted existed" - I think this is what I need too.

I also feel the hollowness. To me, it is a hole in my heart and I can feel it physically in my chest. At times when I've tried to do body scan meditations or focus on where I feel my breath in my body, I'm unable to feel this upper part of my chest at all - other times, there is a pit of despair and I can almost feel the edges of this perfectly round, deep hole. I'm ashamed to say I often try to go through my day ignoring it. I'm trying to be better about coming home to my body no matter if I feel empty or not.

I had a really profound experience using a guided meditation from an Integrated Family Systems approach, in a podcast I listen to. In it, I encountered a very young version of myself - like 2 or 3 years old- who was experiencing the fact that my parents were "mad at me" and I had absolutely no idea why. Possibly my mom was stonewalling me or unresponsive to my feelings of rejection, hurt, and confusion. I really feel like this was a real memory stored deep down. It is amazing how these types of feelings can become stored in our bodies and we still feel them so many years later.
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Default Apr 13, 2022 at 09:28 PM
  #13
@filipendula welcome to MSF My Support Forums. I hear you that our past can color our self image, but I want you to know something:

You can nurture and support people! How do I know? I have read thousands of posts here as a moderator and you really show a lot of empathy and compassion in your posts.

It is all there. I had to give up listening to the Inner Critic always tearing me down. Our basic nature scientists have discovered is to be compassionate and nurture others. I think you have found a way to do that from what I read in your posts.

Thanks for joining the MSF community. We need concerned and compassionate people like you.

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