I can't find myself sometimes

I just feel like I need to be heard right now. This thing happened which happens sometimes where it's like my spirit abandons me. If I'm not able to operate within the confines of what my upbringing has led me to believe is agreeable and lovable and have that be met with warmth and acceptance it's like I'll go catatonic. I'll spend days just feeling totally disconnected and empty, no feelings to what I'd like to do or eat. Just frozen. It'll make me feel sick and so unsettled and panicked. Like My body decided it wasn't safe for me here right now because my environment didn't respond to me in just the right way that makes me feel safe and properly hidden. Like I can only feel free to be myself when it's convenient. And I don't just mean convenient to others I mean myself too. I am so quick to betray or abandon myself if any ounce of how I'm feeling or what I want isn't congruent with whoever else I'm connected to at the time. And if I feel that I can't hack matching their energy I'll feel that I need to go hide from the vulnerability of that. Could sound like classic codependency, but for me I truly think it stems from having no reason to have formed a belief that I matter and that it's safe to matter. Nobody in my life ever asked me how I felt or what I wanted to do in a way where I didn't think the effects would come at the cost of my connection and survival in my family unit. I simply was emotionally neglected by parents who just didn't have a clue and the impact of that is absolutely huge. Of course I neglect my own needs and wants to where I don't even recognize they're there; even when I'm trying so hard to hear them because anything is better than feeling numb and disconnected because my psyche decided it couldn't survive here today because it doesn't know how to matter.

I am sorry you are struggling.

I was told to be a lawyer, and when I didn't become a lawyer the abuse became worse than it all ready was before

I wish I was a cat or a dog. life would be so much easier

I was ''told'' to be a doctor. I was not ''allowed'' to go to University without a scolarship since ''money doesn't grow on trees'''...........

I guess I'm ''Fuzzybear'' on here for a reason.