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Eejya
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Default Feb 14, 2022 at 08:22 AM
  #1
A few days ago, I saw a new profile picture of someone with whom I was very close for decades (since we were both 18). As I've been working on my stuff the last few years, I've had to distance myself, as I came to see that we were in a dysfunctional co-dependent relationship, and when I try to raise it with her, she did not respond well.

Anyway, the picture is of a romantic sunset, and I realise that it is likely taken on one of her outings with the new man in her life.

I became aware that there is something in me that is triggered by this. This something is envy. aka My Hater part. And this time, I want to make friends with this undeveloped part, as opposed to pushing it away, denying it, with guilt and shame.


I think its been there, hidden for a while, (especially as my life over the last few years is a struggle, while she is prospering on all fronts) but I couldn't allow myself to see it.

It's eating me up inside. There's this secret, previously repressed rage, bitterness and resentment that she's winning in life, and I'm struggling. And I'm angry with God that He is "blessing her, and depriving me"

I'm begrudging her this happiness, and can admit now that this Hater part of me wishes she loses everything and is humiliated in a public way.

There's this secret delight, glee or pleasure in her possible misfortune.

Of course the adult me can see that this is a reflection of my own unworthiness, which I've come to see is a result of my toxic childhood.

The life she has, is the life I covet.There's also conditioned thinking around if she gets these things that I wish I had, then there won't be enough for me. Again the scarcity program from my childhood.

SEEING HER HAPPY TRIGGERS PAIN, SORROW, LONELINESS, REGRET. unworthiness....VERY uncomfortable emotions that I would prefer to avoid..

How dare she be winning when I'm struggling, is the unspoken aggrieved voice in my head. It's like I had this unconscious expectation that she stay small, so that I could be comfortable, and feel good about myself.

And guess what? This is exactly the experience I had with my mother. This unconscious prescription to not exceed her status in life.

Full circle.

Since so much of this has been hidden, I wanted to bring it to light in this post. for my own sake.
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Yaowen
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Default Feb 14, 2022 at 02:13 PM
  #2
You have a lot of insight. So many people often seem content to just live by their automatic thoughts and feelings as if they were allergic to second order reflection. It is nice to see people like you who are willing to delve beneath the surface of things.
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Default Feb 15, 2022 at 07:58 AM
  #3
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Originally Posted by Yaowen View Post
You have a lot of insight. So many people often seem content to just live by their automatic thoughts and feelings as if they were allergic to second order reflection. It is nice to see people like you who are willing to delve beneath the surface of things.

Thank-you @Yaowen. It feels good to hear you say that. Because I must admit that there are moments when it feels like all the delving and insights are getting me nowhere.

I think what keeps me trying to move forward though, are 2 things:
1. The memory of my rock-bottom. I found myself in an abusive, destructive relationship, and the realization that came to me in that moment of what felt like crippling despair and wondering how I got there, is that that place in my life was connected to the unresolved unconscious stuff I was carrying from my childhood, and
2. the knowing that I experience in fleeting moments sometimes, that getting back to wholeness is not only possible, but is the purpose of my life. I can feel as I write this, that there is something in me that is still doubtful. Nonetheless, I can't get away from the lure of this knowing.
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Default Apr 14, 2022 at 05:53 PM
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Default Apr 14, 2022 at 06:32 PM
  #5
It can take such a long time to heal from damage inflicted on us as children. You do seem able to analyze and delineate between different situations and possible connections they have to your personal malaise. This is a very good thing to be able to do.

I don't know if I would counsel anyone to delve too deeply into "feeding the wolves" of envy or unworthiness. Negative emotions have a bad habit of becoming monumental and taking things over, when indulged. I think it can be more helpful to acknowledge them and how they're affecting you, but do not give them more power over you. Behavioural therapies might be a lot of help to you; either CBT or DBT.

I think maybe, if you can find the wherewithal to do it, journaling might also help you a great deal. Writing things out can help us identify and then deal with separate issues that might be holding us back from healing. Simply organizing our thoughts enough to write things out is a very positive thing for our brains.

Of course, being here is a good step to take, too. It can help to know you are not alone in how it all feels. Other people's insights can be extremely welcome, helpful, and validating.

Wishing you continued insights, and healing!
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