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Eejya
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Default Feb 19, 2022 at 08:26 AM
  #1
Hello there

This week, one of the people in my increasingly small circle, had a medical emergency which turned out thankfully to be benign.

Once the good news came through, she was recuperating at home, and I was trying to call her to check in. We kept on missing each other, eg she tells me she was busy, had family visitors over, etc

What I subsequently noticed in me, is that inner voice which says she doesn't want to speak to you....you just being a nuisance...she's with her REAL family, who are you to intrude....

I noticed myself slowly withdrawing, expressed by my ceasing to call, rather texting only once she texted me first. My texts to her also became brief. Over time it came into my awareness how much I was not saying.

Today, in meditation it all came to me. I sensed the something in me that carries the years of hurt of being (mostly emotionally) abandoned by my mother. The very young part that feels unwanted and a burden. The part that carries the knowledge that my mother preferred by brother, and turned away from me. And EXPECTS that everyone will do the same.

What I now see is that the CORE wound for me is (emotional) ABANDONMENT. To me as a layperson, ATTACHMENT or rather the lack of healthy attachment is the opposite side of the same coin.


I also see how this is the inter-generational family wound, especially on my maternal side.


Further I see how this childhood experience plays out destructively as a pattern UNCONSCIOUSLY in my adult life.



I see that this traumatizing experience created different selves or parts, each carrying different emotional energies.


But they all just represent different parts of the same core wound, which are:


1. UNWORTHINESS...I'm UNLOVABLE...unwanted...deserve punishment and mistreatment.


2. TOXIC SHAME..I'm disgusting, bad, defective..something wrong with me...I'm too much for people..I'm a burden...My own mother doesn't like or love me, so why would anyone else want to be close to me.


3. FEAR..DREAD. PANIC ..SCARED.. UNSAFE.. SURVIVAL...How am I going to survive...what's going to happen to me???

Fear of rejection and ABANDONMENT happening again...fear of trusting people....fear of needing people/love....fear of getting close to people..fear of closeness..fear of showing I need love and people and connection..fear of being hurt and annihilated by the abandonment again...fear of being overwhelmed by need for love and dependence.. Fear of SHOWING true emotions..fear of pushing people away or BURDENING people with my neediness...FEAR that I'll always have to be alone, because nobody wants me.


4. RAGE...it's so cruel..how could you to do this..how could you hurt me like this..it's your job as my mother to love me..you betrayed me...rage at God..I try so hard to be a good person how can this happen to me, an innocent child..it;s not fair...rage at father for betraying me and not protecting me from mother



6. LONELINESS...isolated..alienated..I don't belong anywhere. Always the outsider looking in.



7. HUNGER for someone...desperate. Starving for love and connection, to sincerely matter to someone



8. HURT..PAIN..SUFFERING...of never feeling loved..of not having normal needs fulfilled


9. GRIEF ..MOURNING....for loss and pain suffered

Of course for a long time, these parts or responses in me were unconscious, outside my awareness, but still driving my pattern of choices and behaviors, often self-sabotaging my external relationships and interactions with people.



The other insight is how different parts are often in opposition with each other, or have opposing agendas, which may not be on the surface be rational or make sense.


Mapping it like this, and connecting it to my interaction with my friend this week somehow makes me feel a little bit of relief. And maybe gratitude.


Will see what unfolds next. There's likely more that I'm not currently able to see.




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Default Feb 19, 2022 at 10:46 AM
  #2
I can relate to much of this, I’m sorry you’re in a similar boat. But it is good that you’re seeing it more objectively, which I think sometimes helps with healing.
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Default Apr 13, 2022 at 05:59 PM
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Thank you so much for your openness and being willing to share your story! I relate to absolutely all of this. Especially the word "burden" which is one of the key words I'd use to identify myself with others when I'm a sad mood.

I also withdraw from friends, assuming that they are spending time with me out of kindness to me and as a favor to me - not because I can actually make their lives better in any way or have anything to offer. I don't even know where to begin in healing from this, apart from trying to challenge these stories. Posting posts like this one and hoping that even if someone just identifies with the words I'm writing, it can make their day better and the world a better place.

Just wanted to say that your post has really helped me in not feeling so alone. So thank you for that!
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Default Apr 14, 2022 at 05:45 PM
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Default Apr 14, 2022 at 06:41 PM
  #5
You are gifted at identifying separate things that are affecting you. This is an excellent quality to have.
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Default Nov 15, 2022 at 07:41 PM
  #6
Quote:
Originally Posted by filipendula View Post
Thank you so much for your openness and being willing to share your story! I relate to absolutely all of this. Especially the word "burden" which is one of the key words I'd use to identify myself with others when I'm a sad mood.

I also withdraw from friends, assuming that they are spending time with me out of kindness to me and as a favor to me - not because I can actually make their lives better in any way or have anything to offer. I don't even know where to begin in healing from this, apart from trying to challenge these stories. Posting posts like this one and hoping that even if someone just identifies with the words I'm writing, it can make their day better and the world a better place.

Just wanted to say that your post has really helped me in not feeling so alone. So thank you for that!
Abusers all love to call people a ''burden'' or ''weak'' or any other negative name they care to fling out. All because they LACK the ability to care about anyone but themselves.

Thanks for posting. I'm sure you do make your friend's lives better. It is a terrible thing when parents attempt to make their own child feel so worthless. How they themselves feel deep down..

Posts like yours do make this world a better place. Silence and stuffing everything up inside so as not to offend the offenders does not make the world a better place.


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Default Feb 16, 2023 at 08:25 AM
  #7
Quote:
Originally Posted by Fuzzybear View Post
Abusers all love to call people a ''burden'' or ''weak'' or any other negative name they care to fling out. All because they LACK the ability to care about anyone but themselves.

Thanks for posting. I'm sure you do make your friend's lives better. It is a terrible thing when parents attempt to make their own child feel so worthless. How they themselves feel deep down..

Posts like yours do make this world a better place. Silence and stuffing everything up inside so as not to offend the offenders does not make the world a better place.

Going through the same exact thing and new relationships/friendships are scary only its my father, raised by a single father and the wicked step mother, my biological mum died many years ago. i think you're being too kind to your mother by saying this all just generational. do not make any excuses for her cruel behaviour.
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Default Aug 20, 2023 at 12:57 PM
  #8
Your post was like reading what I would have written. I had a narcissistic mother and a father who was emotionally absent. My brother could do no wrong and I felt like my parents just put up with me because they were stuck with me. I became the maid, the gardener, the burden. All my life I felt invisible and alone. It's only recently I learned about childhood emotional neglect and it all came clear. Now I just need to figure out how to move forward. I have never burdened anyone with my fears, my problems. I've always been the helper, not the helpee. How do you change 60 years of emotional habits... This forum is a start.
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