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Aurelius710
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Default Jun 14, 2022 at 01:39 AM
  #1
Have you ever had family substitute monetary investment for love?

For example, when I was young (about 7), my absurdly lucky grandparents would come back from the casino with BIG buckets of half-dollars (probably about $500) and give them to me. I was more interested in the fact that a 50 cent coin existed than the massive sum of money being given to me, a seven year old. The fact that I didn't care about the money incensed them. They had set a literal dollar amount to buy my love (in order to one-up my mother, but that's a big can of worms to get into), and when it didn't work, they tried to take it back. I had already taken it to the car, and stealing back a 7 year old's gift was a step too far for them.

My dad was cut from the same cloth. I remember exactly one time in my 32 years on this planet where I had a legitimately happy time with him. A time that was not transactional. Or neutral. Or negative.

He bought my first car. A convertible. Never went cruising with me. Video game system? Never sat down to play or even watched. Chess set, which I knew from my mom and grandma he liked to play? Took 45 minutes of arm twisting for one match. I never tried again. I received some collectible toy in a special packaging to properly play with. I didn't, because of "value."

When I was 18, I wanted to go to my first concert. The family weren't going to go with and my high school friends had scattered, so I planned a solo trip. I used money the family had given me (like it's in my bank account) and got my ticket, hotel room and rental car taken care of. Age issues caused me to have to involve my Mom, which is how the rest of the family found out. They were mad and accusing me (essentially) of misusing THEIR funds. The ones in MY bank account. The ones for which no contract was signed.

It's like I'm a investment. Pour enough money into me, and maybe a well adjusted successful adult will pop out. One sponsored by...

__________________
"I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past, I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."
-Litany Against Fear (Dune)
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Default Jun 14, 2022 at 02:35 PM
  #2
I think I was on the receiving end of that kind of thing and suspect it happens more often than people think. I also don't think people suddenly become mature just by becoming parents although children suffer so much as a result. My heart goes out to you!
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Default Jul 06, 2022 at 06:58 PM
  #3
I had friends for whom this situation was true. I know it negatively affected a lot of their perceptions about what adulthood should be like, and about what actually constitutes love in relationships.

At least you seem to be able to differentiate between what happened to you, and what you missed-out on. That's a good place to begin healing.
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