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PenniePinkPJs
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Member Since: Jul 2021
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Default Jul 06, 2022 at 02:02 PM
  #1
My father left when I was 3yrs old; my step-father is the only father figure I remember. My earliest memory is of him relaxing on the sofa and I was on the floor crying – he told me to ‘stop crying”, I was not held or comforted – he would have been only 18yrs old.

Around the same time, I remember my mother screaming one morning; she claimed to have woken up holding the ghost of my step-father’s baby. I remember my mother telling me at the top of the stairs, “It’s all your fault!” As told to me many times when growing up was that my twin had died inside my mother which caused her to need an operation. I felt guilty as she had lost the chance to give him a baby. I was told at a young age that my twin had died and caused my mother’s insides to ‘rot’.

My mother would often remind me and my brother that my step-father had given up his teenage years, going out with friends to raise us (he was 14yrs old when they met, she was 20 with 2 young children). She would also remind us that he worked hard to provide for us.

But my step-father was authoritarian. I have flashbacks of sitting on my bed when I was in trouble and had to wait, not allowed to play with toys, until my step-father came home. I knew that as soon as I heard the key go in the door what I was due - “Now then, young lady, what have you been up to? - followed by being told to lay on my tummy, knickers pulled down and my bum spanked until I ‘couldn’t sit down for a week’. My mother said this was normal when I complained, after all, he had got the cane!

I grew up feeling angry at my real father for leaving us. My brother and I would say to our mum, “Tell us about him - what was he like?” We would sit down with her, and we’d listen, like listening to an old story – but it was about him beating her up and abusing us.

My brother (2 years older than me) had memories of my volatile real dad - this played out by him hitting me for a long time. My brother would beat me up whenever I didn’t do what he wanted. He would lock me in rooms, sit on me, suffocate me with cushions and boss me around – all when we were alone. He was sent to a ‘special school’ but his diagnosis was never discussed.

I was teased and bullied a lot as a child. When I was 9, I fell off my bike and lost my newly grown front teeth – I was devastated. I felt that my mum was ashamed of me in hospital. I had to stay overnight; my mum was stern telling me not to wet the bed. I didn’t feel loved or soothed, but ashamed. The hospital ward was horrible and, yes – I wet the bed (and did until I was 10 and had to wear towelling nappies). She was not happy the next day to learn of this. From that day on, my step-father found it amusing to call me ‘stunt rider’. I had already begun hating myself as I had a horribly short haircut and then broken teeth. I didn’t want to smile and was very self-conscious. In addition to wearing nappies, I also had to wear a hair net to bed so my hair wasn’t messy in the morning.

When I was 10, I asked for a rah-rah skirt and stilettos, which was fashionable then. My mum said, “Don’t be so silly, you’re far too big for stilettos, you’ll break the heels off!”. The same for wearing a belt – it would “make you look far too big”. I was not that big!

Food was also such an issue. I had to wear a tea towel bib at the table, and we weren’t allowed to talk. I recall stew, casserole and roasts were a regular staple for our family, but I hated even the smell of stew and casserole, even to this day I cannot stand the smell. I was often the last one at the table and often found my gravy gone cold with a layer of fat congealed on top of my food. Every mouthful made my hair stand on end! One day, my mum took my plate, put it in a food blender and poured it cold back onto my plate – just because I said I couldn’t chew the meat – “Now you can eat it!” she said.
At 14, my mum confessed that she didn’t want me and had used a knitting needle to try aborting me. This made such a devastating impact that my already low self-esteem plummeted, and I became depressed, and I felt more alone.

As I hit early teenage, my mum would tear me down verbally if she disagreed with anything I did. She would made me look so small, even called me a slag, slut or ***** on occasions. When I was about 15/16, I came home from school to find my diary sitting on the kitchen table. My stomach sank and my heart began racing. I knew what was written in that diary! I had even gone through the extra effort to hide them. My mum heard me come home but the house remained quiet - when she finally spoke to me, she called me names again and said I had to wait for my step-father to be shown the diary too.
I was being teased at school due to wearing unfashionable clothes. I wasn’t allowed to wear makeup and I wasn’t allowed to wear nail varnish: my step-father would say I looked like a tart and remove it. Both my parents were authoritarian.

At 16, I started training as a hairdresser (after my mum told me to get a job and not come home until I found one!) One day I was allowed to bring in family/friends for me to practice on. I immediately thought of my mum. When I asked her, she dismissed me and said sternly, “I’ve already got a hairdresser, thank you.” It hurt.

Around this time my parents had become Christians. I had a serious problem though - I had feelings for a girl. I needed to speak to my mum about it. I knocked on the living room door and asked if I could speak, but she said, “I’m praying.” and shut the door. I didn’t understand.

I still had feelings of insecurity about my weight and previously began walking to and from work, taking laxatives and diet pills - my confidence still so low but I had to keep going. The remarks from my brother and step-father who would tease me with names like Michelin, Biscuit Barrell and Fatima took its toll!

When I was 17, we had a row and I stood up for myself. I told her I was going to my friend’s house and wasn’t coming back home – it was just a row but that night my step-father had turned up and dumped all my belongings that were in bin bags on the doorstep. That was it – I had left home.

I remember calling my mum on occasions and asking if we could meet and she would say she was busy, and busy on any other day I suggested - I gave up. This has all been too much hurt to take.

When I was 21 my mum called and asked me if I was sitting down. (I had previously told her I wanted to go looking for my dad). She told me that she wasn’t sure who my father was – if it was my dad or his brother. She also told me I was never a twin. Why would this have been made up in the first place? Even my Nan had said I was a twin.

On my low days, I honestly think that I wish she had succeeded or had me adopted. I often listen to my colleagues talk about their mothers and the lovely times they have going shopping or going for cake. It hurts so much and reminds me of not being wanted.

The part other people are often surprised at is that I call my mum by her first name, not Mum. I don’t even notice anymore but other people pick me up on it. I feel so unloved.
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Default Jul 06, 2022 at 05:42 PM
  #2
Hi @PenniePinkPJs - I am glad you posted your story on My Support Forums. I am saddened to hear of the type of inappropriate treatment you received from your parents. No one should have to go through that.

You may also found empathy in the Survivors of Abuse forums. https://mysupportforums.org/survivors-of-abuse/

Hope you get the support you are deserving.

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Default Jul 06, 2022 at 06:47 PM
  #3
Hi PJ's, and welcome to the forum.

It is so hard for me to understand why people have kids---the very people who should never even be allowed near children at all. I am so sorry you and your siblings had to endure the mental and physical abuses and neglect that was such a big part of your childhood. Very sad and sorry.

It is a good thing you're sticking with therapy. It can help rebuild so much of what was missed in our early years. It can help make the rest of your life much easier for you. You stick with it as long as YOU need it---there are no hard and fast rules for "how long" someone should receive counselling and support. It takes as long as it takes.

Wishing you only good things...
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Heart Jul 07, 2022 at 04:04 AM
  #4
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Originally Posted by CANDC View Post
Hi @PenniePinkPJs - I am glad you posted your story on My Support Forums. I am saddened to hear of the type of inappropriate treatment you received from your parents. No one should have to go through that.

You may also found empathy in the Survivors of Abuse forums.

Hope you get the support you are deserving.

Thank you for taking the time to reply. I have posted on the other forum, so thank you for signposting me.

Sending love xxx
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