MIxed Feelings About Parents

I am going to begin by saying, there has never been anyone that loved their

parents more than me. I was an only child born on a jointly controlled air base

just outside of Ramstein Airport by the US and the UK. Just as the base was, dad

was from the US and mum was from, just outside Sherwood UK. They met while

he was in the service, he flew F4-Phantoms during the Vietnam War, and mum

was a medical doctor there working for the British government. So, I am a child

of two nations, I have been to the UK many times but live in the States
.
There are things that just don't go together, sodium metal and water,

ammonia and bleach, well after being married for 18 years, and when I came

along, add my mum and dad to that list. My first cogent memory I can recall was

of her throwing a glass catsup bottle at him across the room. It was a good shot

but he had good reflexes and got out of the way. As they parted, I ended up with

my dad and we moved to the States once he retired from the USAF. I had a half

sister and an adopted brother, they went with mum. She would move to the

States once they were both in college to be close to me but that was several

years later.

They were both very good people unless in each other's presence when that

occurred a fight was imminent. My dad worked for an organization in the States

called TVA, he was a corporate pilot for them, then later moved to engineering.

They were both so caught up in their lives, as long as I did well in school, I was

kind of like in the background. Dad moved us into a new house into what

seemed like a nice area but it was not. I had to deal with some bad people over

several years, and neither of them noticed.

They have both passed now, dad 12 years ago, and mum about two years ago.

As much as I loved them, they were kind of like a misconfigured firewall, and

bad people found the open ports. I loved them so but am somewhat angry at

how they could have missed such a thing. I never had a bedtime, we were in a

large community out in the styx so I could just come and go as I pleased. Dad

was away a great deal for work, and he remarried a woman that was an RN. She

was a good lady, but she had already raised four boys so my life was like an

assembly line.

This anger I hold makes me feel ashamed, all I had to do was say something. I

like so many are apt to do said nothing. It was a period of silent suffering, which

still haunts me. I don't want to be angry at them, if it was within my power I

would crack this planet in half for just ten more minutes with either of them. I

need them now more than ever, yet they are gone. I carry that silent anger

around that I don't want to feel. I was always provided well for materially, I have

no worries for money now from what they left. I don't really care about money, or

fancy cars any of that kind of junk. It is transitory and you can't take it with you

and makes a lot of people do bad things.

I guess I just wish they had paid more attention and remember I was part of

their life and not let the rest of theirs consume them. I should have been more

important than any job, or thier petty fighting, now it is too late.

@16PennyNail I hear you. I can empathize. Being an only child must be rough. I know being "an orphan" as I sometimes feel certainly is.

What really stands out for me is what you said

Quote:

I need them now more than ever, yet they are gone. I carry that silent anger around that I don't want to feel.

I had a lot of anger towards my parents because I expected them to do things that they were not able to. They were wrapped up in their lives and lived for themselves and so they were not understanding of my feelings of wanting a spiritual connection. They stopped going to church and basically tried to get things and do activities to make them happy. They provided well for physical needs but the emotional needs seemed to not happen. Part of it was I was very closed off emotionally and whether deserved or not I blamed them.

Now I am getting over my anger by realizing how senseless it is. How it overlooks all the good they did.

Still I have this nagging thought that does not make sense "how could you leave me all alone and never come back?" I never planned on parents dying. In my mind they would always be there. But they are not there and cannot come back. Sometimes it really gets to me.

But I am creating my own legacy doing the best I can to help others in need and volunteering my time. To be needed takes some of that feeling away of being alone.

Mindfulness has helped me a lot dealing with anger. Either Jon Kabat Zinn on youtube, Healthy Minds App for the smartphone or Palouse mindfulness free program has been a help. It helps me with that yearning for a spiritual connetion without imposing beliefs on me.

So what are you thinking about for the next steep?

CANDC

[If you want me to see your reply to this post please include @CANDC in your message - not in requoting my message]

Dad's been gone for 12 years so I had plenty of time with that, mum was a real gut punch. I don't know how many guys will own up to this, but if they are not abusive, every man is a momma's boy. **Warning About Army Stuff**, I don't want to accidentally trigger anyone. I saw so many people in Somalia, badly injured, and all of them asking for their mothers. I inherited mum's home she bought here and sold mine up in the city to move down here to the country. Every place I look I see remnants of her, she helped me so much when I went through cancer the first time. Everytime I had to go to chemotherapy or radiation therapy, she would grab me and hug me and always say; "If there was any was possible I could do this for you I would." It was not a platitude, she absolutely meant it. There is no replacement for that, she was one of finest people I ever knew, everyone loved her. I loved her, and I maybe I am a little angry too that they are not here, she would be here if she could. Thank you for the concern.