[myfriendtuck]

Hi! I am brand new to this site so I may be doing this all wrong!
My name is Debi and I have a friend that I have known since 5th grade who was in Vietnam. About 5 years ago PTSD caught up with him. We reconnected about 5 months ago and he is on the downward slide. I desperately want to help him. He asks me to help him and then sadly, he usually rejects my attempts.

Here is a little background. He is financially very sound so no money worries. He gets total disability from the VA and Social Security plus his iron worker's pension. He also receives royalties from a car part that he patented and sold. He has all the material things a guy could want or need. I am his only friend and I am married. He was married once and is divorced. His immediate family is deceased. He has no children. The few close friends that he had have died in the last 10 years. He was counselled by the Vet Cntr. for 3 years once a week. He receives his meds through the VA.

He had/has dreams of moving to FL. but cannot leave. He is scared and anxious. He is lonely. He is depressed. He has started to drink too much. He has no immediate family but he has an uncle who is his age and is a wonderful man. They live in the same town. I found his uncle and he contacted my friend. My friend rejected his offer of friendship because so much time has passed and he was never considered a part of his family. The reasons are complicated but my friend will tell you that his uncle had nothing to do with family problems. He is without friends and he desperately wants a few friends. We went to high school with a very nice guy who was also in Vietnam and is in a chair. These 2 didn't really "know" each other then and my friend won't even call or be called to just say "hey" over a cup of coffee. I live 2 hours away but just had a guy friend move back to our hometown. This guy is our age and has never met a stranger. My friend "might" consider meeting for a cup of coffee.

He met with his VA psychiatrist last week. I had written a letter to him and he showed it to his psychiatrist!! I did say that he needs more than just drugs etc. but all he received were more drugs! Surprise! I have suggested that he see a counsellor outside of the VA. He doesn't see how that will help.
I could go on and on but it is more of the same. Winter is coming and that certainly doesn't help. He won't get a computer. I hope to get him to go to the library the next time I go home and introduce him to this site. "Hope" is the operative word.

I have tried my best. I have prayed and prayed...he does believe in God. I have found family and friends. I call and send funny cards etc. to him. He is coming here for Thanksgiving, maybe. He says that I'm his angel when he isn't mad at me for not calling enough etc. I know that he is in a very very bad place in his mind. I would like to run away sometimes but I cannot do that and yet, I am at my wit's end. Please, what more could be done to help him? He is his own worst enemy.

Sorry this is so long. Hope that I didn't ramble. So much to condense!
Yikes, I could have made this shorter by using his name...it's my user name!
I admire each one of you on this site that has the courage to speak out and ask for help, share your stories and help others. I've dealt with depression. I will take meds for panic attacks for the rest of my life but PTSD makes any problems that I may have seem like the common cold.

I feel blessed to have found this site.

[todarktosleep]

In my very un-expert opinion your friend sounds like he's in a very deep depression. Is he receiving treatment for depression?

[myfriendtuck]

Originally Posted by todarktosleep

In my very un-expert opinion your friend sounds like he's in a very deep depression. Is he receiving treatment for depression?

He just went to the VA and all they did was double his depression meds. He needs more than just meds.

[bebop]

welcome to the forum here at pc. I admire you for trying to help your friend. not sure what you could do that you are not already doing. Let him know you are there for him anytime. if you can get him to come here I think it would help him to know he is not alone.

[myfriendtuck]

Originally Posted by bebop

welcome to the forum here at pc. I admire you for trying to help your friend. not sure what you could do that you are not already doing. Let him know you are there for him anytime. if you can get him to come here I think it would help him to know he is not alone.

Thanks so much! I hope to get him to the library and on the internet. He says that he doesn't want to discuss Vietnam and I never bring it up. He does, all of the time! He knows that I am here for him but he won't call me! He says that I have a life and he doesn't so he's not going to bother me. He is also very stubborn...it's a good thing that I really liked him in 5th grade! He is a handful!

[todarktosleep]

If I could get through my own depression issues I would have better advice for you, I do know however, that having a good close personal friend is everything to me. I have to believe it gets better or else whats the point, Keep the faith

[Catherine2]

Debi,
Your concern and efforts are admirable, and I also agree with the others that you have done what you could...

Jmo, but please be careful about falling into the roll of caretaker with him. It won't do either of you any good, in fact it has the potential to make things harder...
He has the financial means to seek counseling; he won't know if it will do any good unless he tries it. If not through the VA, then a private therapist with extensive PTSD experience.
Your letter was a good gesture, however you have no way of knowing if he actually gave it to the psychiatrist. He may have told you so in the belief it would make *you* feel better.

This is akin to trying to get someone to stop drinking--if they don't want it, there is no way it is going to happen.
You have provided your friend with several good suggestions on helping himself...if he chooses not to try any of them...there is nothing you can do.
Harsh words, but they are true.

The desire to help him is a good thing, but he has to take responsibility for himself. You said you were at your wit's end...it's a heavy burden when you want to help someone who does not want help.

It's essential that you take care of yourself first. Becoming entangled with his problems is going to drain your energy that is better spent elsewhere.

In no way am I saying to abandon him. But you may want to rethink this situation...what has happened so far has not helped him and it's causing you stress.
Perhaps there are other ways of helping that will protect you while shifting responsibility to him in seeking help.

In Peace

Catherine

[Catherine2]

Originally Posted by todarktosleep

If I could get through my own depression issues I would have better advice for you, I do know however, that having a good close personal friend is everything to me. I have to believe it gets better or else whats the point, Keep the faith

it does get better, my friend, it does get better...
It's a helluva bumpy road at first, smooths out, then we'll have another bumpy stretch.
We'll enjoy the smooth times, know how to get through the bumps an inch at a time, and get stronger as we go along.

Jme, but if it had not gotten better? Not too many Vets would be around to stretch out a hand when a brother/sister needs it...
And there are many hands stretching out...many.

In Peace

[myfriendtuck]

Thanks so much for the good advice. I wrote a long response last night and the site wouldn't accept it! It is once again late so I will post a better response tomorrow to all of you who are so kind and compassionate. Todarktosleep, here's a big for you. Debi