double whammy...

took one of my buds to the VA clinc
sitting there with the others, all of us started talking, sharing
one Vet shared about his event...waiting for evac...over run... lieutenant and sarge and two others killed
one to his back
guess they thought his other wounds would finish him off
didn't his body, did his spirit

shivered, wanted to puke, smells...and more
grounded each other we did...

came home sat in the yard watched my chickadees
and
daughter came home from her storage unit
look, mom, what I found
old pictures, who are they
the twins...the one on the right...my abuser
faded picture, no faded memories, aren't fresh either
rat bites, his bites
why didn't the other protect me?
two for one...hell of a sale

chickadees pecking, sparrows flying, doves chasing
me retching
daughter crying, so sorry mom...so sorry
it's ok baby you didn't know
didn't know there were any pictures of him left
found tucked away in an old purse of her grandmother
sorry mom so sorry

and the mask came on...ever ready just like the battery
stand tall, it's ok, i'm ok
it's ok for you to be ok no more tears, ok?

mascara can be waterproof without being tears-proof
evidence on my face
wipe 'em
tylenol for the freaking headache
the fizzy things for the gut that is roaring
steady the legs
mask still on

life goes on

(((((((((Catherine2))))))))))

Thats why we here, to read and be with.

Love,
Hunny


.

“Science without religion is lame.
Religion without science is blind.”
Albert Einstein

I'm so sorry Catherine...for you and your daughter. So much pain...I wish I could take it away for you.

.........and help to ground each other..........we do....................

So, so sorry.

thank you everyone for your support...

tears on and off all night
probably been building up for awhile
rainwater beyond the reservoir, flood gates open I suppose
trying to dis-connect, not working this time
super glue...
want to see the stars while laying in this gutter
oscar wilde penned it right
some see some don't

grieving, no fear
still grounded, grateful
when do ya get old enough to see it coming?

back to the birds

((((((((((Cathrine)))))))))))

Believe in Him or not --- GOD LOVES YOU!

Want to share your Christian faith? Click HERE

Catherine oh honey I wish I could be there just to put my arms around you and tell you it is gonna be ok. I lived with the flashbacks of my late husband for a long time. I can feel your pain right now. of course I can't erase those memories but I can listen when you need to talk about it.

the three of 'em
little girl, young nurse, feel-old lady
putting 'em in their own compartments
segregation of sorts...
integration, later perhaps
i know the three be me
can't soothe but one at a time
used to be good at multi-tasking...

sat outside, back to the freezer
butt got cold, wouldn't come in
daughter brought hot chocolate...tears in her eyes
it's ok baby, it really is
leave me alone
and I'll come home dragging my cold butt behind me
hush little baby and don't you cry
no...cry and do not hold it in
you didn't cause it, you can cope with it, you can't cure it
cry over it...it's good to get it out
it's good to get it out

a&a night
acetaminophen and antihistamine
topped off with a pain med
safe, no intent
need the rest, dreamless sleep
i don't give a ff if it is two or three hours
long as they are back to back
a string of sleeping hours, badly needed
hard part is waiting for the here-it-comes
put the guard down
lay me down
sleep
no dreams please, please

huge forum, huge support
taking more than i can give
not wrong, just where i am right now
i think i am in the company of many silent ones
walk with me, it will get better, it always does
it's the getting from here to there that is a *****

letting the three be, can't handle them right now
float and give hugs
best i can do
tired, so tired...body that is
mind waiting for the boots and bombs to fall

here-it-comes
hope it comes soon
please

(((((((((( Catherine )))))))))) Take care, friend. You don't take more than you can give. You are a valuable person and you deserve all the support you need.

Moving quote..

life goes on...
didn't freeze my butt off
took a mirror to check, it's still there

saw the beautiful blond babies this day..years old--2-5-6
pre-planned visit, deep breathe then did it
90 minute drive was good, drove out of the sporadic sleet
into sun and winds bringing goosebumps from the cold

sat with my back to the wall
son knows the signs
gentle hug, squeeze on my shoulder

what's the matter? baby girl asked
i'm sad today
can i make it better?
wet kisses, where-have-your-fingers been on my cheeks,
now, now, it be ok
competition from the boys
lots of kisses, nose forehead ears
one pat on the head from each
you better? yes...
three went back to the business of being innocent

sat there, weeping
son came and sat with me...silent but I still heard his prayers
dil got the colonel's chicken
stripped that breast, slurped the potatoes
stopped wolfing,
not time for my shift,
not grabbing anything resembling food to get through...
more hours of blood, bullets, holding the pee
1/2 faces, burnt flesh, their bravado gone, ours still holding

could have laid on their floor and slept
drove back, heater on high, windows on low
the three that is me blended
just me now
sleep in the chair, can see both doors
guarding I know not what

think I'll get those strings of sleep
these frigging times suck ya dry
rehydrate soon

I'm so sorry my friend~

again, thank you for your support...

slept nearly two hours today
the deep sleep of the needy
sadness and a bit of grief, I suppose
still tired and I believe this is all right
won't get caught up in analysis paralysis
it bears no fruit
time once again to ride it out
surfers love their big ones, not especially the wipe outs
wiped out but came up
bit worse for the wear, but tumbling in turmoil had been absent for awhile...

another bump on my path of healing
this one was just a bit bigger
they will trip me again
I'll get back up again
might take a little longer...crawl then get up

no punishing myself for not being perfect
or stronger or whatever
doing the best I can is enough

Thank you for holding me in your thoughts and prayers
it helped me then, it is helping me now
one of the beliefs of my spiritual path is kindness will always be be returned ten fold...I hope for y'all it is 100 fold.

In Peace

taking off for a few days
vacation is early March, but I need a getaway now

not on the roller coaster that won't stop
nothing
nothing does not feel as good as activity
even if it is a roller coaster...at least it stops
chin up and all that bs isn't cutting it for now

bits of time spent weeping
more bits of time pacing, on edge
still more...spelunking sounds better
shroud of loneliness
cocoon of the worst kind

The only good thing about riding a roller coaster is being able to scream as loud as you want because all the other riders are screaming too.

interesting...and a relief of sorts

my pharmacist called, he knew I was having a rough time
he received notice the FDA was investigating potency of one of my meds...
on one lot of the pills there was but a trace of the medication, the rest was the fillers.
he is now searching for a better source for it, I'll be on the expensive name brand until he is satisfied he has found a more reliable generic

that process took several months...the FDA is not known for moving very quickly at times...this was one of them

his opinion and that of my prescribing physician
is that the result of this seesaw of potency
has obviously affected my stability

it won't take away the recent events
but it most likely contributed to the difficulties of coping with them

guess I can stop feeling like an itch with a capital B

I just read your thread here Catherine. I am so sorry that so many things hit & cause you to go back......I know even with the minor trauma I went through it comes back to haunt me often. Can only understand too well how long term living with your experiences that became part of your life has to be so very difficult to deal with. There is no way we can put experiences like that in the cellar & lock the door so they don't come out. My new psychologist has said that it's ok & just something we have to work on how we handle it when it hits rather than working so hard to make it never come out.....I am sure that is true no matter how painful the memories....does more harm trying to keep it away.

Just letting you know how special you are to have put yourself in a place to help others in spite of how it's effecting you now. I am sure you were a part of many miracles beyond the painful memories.

An aside about your medication. My pain medication is very very expensive....with or without prescription coverage....I went to the drug country of the original drug maker & was able to qualify for their patient assistance......it isn't a part of the generic....tried the generic form of the pain patch & it wouldn't work for the 72 hours. I have found that generics are almost never the same quality as the original med. I couldn't qualify for the patient assistance due to my disability income being too high, but when I sent in the cost of the drug (as if they didn't know that anyway), but that was what qualified me for their assistance.......so I dropped my prescription coverage that I couldn't afford either....& my med is 100% covered.....just thought it might be something you could look into (you might have already done this....but just a thought).

May peace return to give you some needed rest,

Debbie