[Troy]

This happens sometimes, kind of often really. The day is going fine. Everything is way better than I deserve ... and then I feel guilty. It's a vague kind of guilt. Not guilty of a specific thing, just an overwhelming feeling of guilt.

I think I'm past the survivors guilt that I felt for years. I think I'm past the guilt I feel for being involved in so much tragedy. And it doesn't seem to have a trigger that I'm aware of ... maybe, but I don't recognize it.

This guilt feeling just slams me. It lasts for varying periods of time. I try to lay it off to ptsd and relax about it, but it persists.

I'm not looking for comforting remarks or anyone telling me that I'm not guilty of anything. I'm just wondering whether this happens to other ptsd ppl. ???

[Open Eyes]

Yes the guilt is not exactly guilt, it is a kind of depression that I truely feel is specific to PTSD. I have been trying to figure it out myself. And it is hard to explain but I am certain that it is part of PTSD.

I want to say part of it is because I cant seem to just have all of myself back the way I used to be, or the way I feel others want me to be. I feel guilty because I feel I should be able to just get over this or through this or beyond this somehow. I feel guilty because I don't want to fake it or act or put on a pretend attitude. I want the real me and I get angry when I am not all there the way I should feel to be inside.
And that is when I want to be by myself, so I don't feel so guilty. I feel guilty if I cant manage my anger better or if Im just tired or if I don't want to do something that I should have no problem doing. And I feel guilty if I don't have the answers or I feel guilty if I dont seem to want to hear others taking at me for some reason that I can't understand. I feel guilty because I think I am being selfish somehow and then I just get frustrated. If I have a down day I feel guilty for some reason as if I have given in to something, but I dont know exactly how I am giving in, only that I cant seem to not give in or that I am just controlled at times by emotion and feelings of inadaquacy. When I see my husband actively working around the house and the yard and I can't seem to get myself going at it with any kind of drive, I just feel guilty somehow and want to hide. I still have some Christmas decorations up, but I cant get around to getting to fussing like I used to so I feel guilty about that. I don't make as much money as I used to and I feel guilty about that. I can get very frustrated and I feel guilty about that.

But I do understand that I HAVE PTSD and I have to keep working at it and I am doing the best I can. I wish it was faster and I was the pip I was, I do feel guilty but I am trying to do the best I can.

The feeling guilty is the odd kind of depression that comes with PTSD. So I know that it is not my fault, I can only continue to keep trying, to consciously remind myself that I am trying and to not be so hard on myself. I cannot help the fact that I have had things in my past that have effected me and I need time to get over them. And I can't help the anger that came with the experiences from my past and the anger of having to find out I have PTSD.

I have to remember that I have gained and am working at understanding my emotions and getting better at controling them and not letting myself give into them or feed them. There are times when I feel guilty, but I know that if you ask anyone that has PTSD, they will agree that guilt is a feeling that comes with it just like the other emotions. If we can keep working at it at our own pace we will get better at controling and understanding that we are doing the best we can an it is going to take more time. And we have to go easy on ourselves and try not to feel so guilty. No, it isn't easy, but we are just human and it comes with PTSD and we have to work through it.

Just know your not alone.

Open Eyes