[16PennyNail]

I am going to relate a quick story, as I see this as the best way to communicate

this, there is no accurate translation. I began with a stack of three, 1.) I was a

victim for years of CSA when we moved here when I was nearly six. That went of

till I was 14. 2.)My mum's family in the States, if you have seen Wes Craven's, "The

People Under the Stairs," that accurately sums them up.

The third stack is every man in my father's family serves in the military, it is a

tradition. He had designs on me, following him and being a fighter pilot. I could

not do this however, as I developed myopia with an astigmatism the year I

began college the first time. There was no Lasik, and the USAF or Navy are

simply not going to spend a million bucks to train someone that does not have

20/20 vision or better, without being augmented by glasses. So, upon

completion of my first degree, I let him push me into it anyway, I chose the

United State Army. There was good reason for this, it was late 1989, and we had

transitioned to using many newly developed smart weapons for urban combat.

At that time they were pitifully behind in training, and shhhh, here's a big secret

for you. Many require ground special forces units to site them in and verify the

target is valid. It also helps if you know what to strike the target with, why use

something that costs 5 million bucks, when there is one that costs a million

bucks that will do the job. Hence, I led a team, held the rank of 1st Lieutenant in

the Army Rangers. With me included, my group was made up of 16 men, great

people, they don't come any better. If satellite topography, or spotter aircraft and

several other means of gathering intelligence information; believed something

was a target we went to it, surveilled it. If it was a valid target, it was my job to

determine what the best ordinance strike was to call in on that structure, you

did this by using a satellite phone. We would designate the target by holding a

low powered laser on is (This is simply called lasing). This was during the First

Gulf War, we went to check a target out. We took up a position across the

building, on the roof of another building, it was a schoolhouse being used store

munitions. So, I have gave the structure a very good looking over, and

determined the best option would be a cruise missile strike launched via

submarine or cruiser was the best bet. It was going to take a pretty good wallop,

and had been reinforced. I got on the Sat Phone and called command, gave my

authorization code, designated the ordinance, they agreed. So we lased it and

the cruise missile was fired. This does not happen instantly, about an eight

minute flight time to get there. As I am sitting there watching this building, it

had one of those black laddered fire escapes on the side of it. Two Iraqi

Republican Guard came out on the top level to smoke a cigarette. I just laid

there and watched them. They were talking and laughing and had no idea what

was about to happen. I dream of this so often, as I just watched them the whole

time. They were what we were told were the enemy, I just saw two human

beings, that were probably married, had siblings, children, whatever their hopes

and dreams were for the future. They went back inside before the cruise missile

struck the base of that building. I had judged it correctly, the entire building was

demolished, setting off some the munitions stored inside. It killed everyone in

the building, mission freaking accomplished. I would learn later from after strike

assessment, that building contained 126 people. Who that cruise missile I had

called in, and my men had lased erased every single one of them. It was my job,

so I did this many times both there and later in Somalia. I am haunted by those

that my actions either directly or indirectly removed from this earth. I don't want

to be thanked for that, I want to go back and walk past that recruiter's station

and have went to medical school earlier. LIke so many things in my life, I cannot

change it, what's done is done. Until I take my last breath, I have to carry it all,

see it when I close my eyes, dream about it. Billy what do you want to do when

you grow up? Fireman that's great. Susy, what about you? An astronaut,

marvelous. I don't ever remember answering this question with, 'I want to erase

a bunch of people.' Yet that's how it turned out, and the past is immutable.

[TheGal]

I appreciate the guts it takes to share this... I hope you write a book about this ... it might be helpful to you to put it into written form... as well as very enlightening to others...

I'm on the library list for a book called "Fate is the Hunter" by Ernest K. Gann, a pilot... I started it but had to return it before I finished... it is very deep in that it is philosophical and psychological, as well... It comes highly recommended.

[TheGal]

Have you ever considered using white noise to buffer you from thoughts?

Here's a sample:
White Noise Black Screen | Sleep, Study, Focus | 10 Hours - YouTube

[16PennyNail]

Originally Posted by TheGal

Have you ever considered using white noise to buffer you from thoughts?

Here's a sample:
White Noise Black Screen | Sleep, Study, Focus | 10 Hours - YouTube

Thank you for the suggestion, I don't do that but I bought one of those, I guess you would call it a noise machine? It makes several different noises you can set it to, I set mine to make the noise of ocean waves. It's like one of those things that some therapists have in their offices. It does help but I haven't found anything yet that works all the way. I guess when my friends visit, maybe I could give them therapy since I have that thing...lol...No I believe I will leave that to those with the PhDs in psychology and M.D.s in neurology and psychiatry.

[TheGal]

I wasn't trying to be facetious, just so you know.

I'm so sorry you had to go through that...

You are a naturally a talented writer, though....

Wishing you only good things...

~ Gal