Question?

May I post without reserve? I am an old soldier from the 80's and I understand no is a direct order.I am confused and scared and scared and confused. trying not to get tears on my keyboard...please help GOD......thanksgod.......................I have DID..................this time last year i had a major flashback that put me right in the day...opening day duck and was on a farm.......a totally new environment with totally new sorroundings........the duck hunter was on the other side of a terrain feature at a lower level beside the pond............500yds away.........then the shot in my direction..........i dropped.......hit the dirt and there i was.........battledress......i covered and concieled.......started manuvering approach to attack target........came back.....then back out agin........found position........and aquired target.......but i didnt have my m16.........and then i realized..........ground........were am i.......and started coming back............breath........ground......and then i told a friend whos farm it was and i think i scared the **** outta him........but iwas shaking so freakin bad i had to tell someone........and realized i damn near broke my finger when i hit the dirt................the last one i haad lieke that was ten years ago......and got plugged in with the va.....and more things started surfacing..............shakin like a leaf on a tree right now......................4 1/2 years ago got diagnosed with DID from board certified expert in traumatic stress in the va......she helped greatly..........the va fired her 3 years sgo.........ifound her and see her twice aweek.....................to this day..........after the last flashback i went back to the va...........this time for a military sexual trauma that occured in basic training that i litterally fist fought back because of my DID..............while in the group i started having glimpse backs of a womans face getting blown with an ak round.........shakin like a mther fuker............her ffrind an d four kids wacked on the on the chzeck border in 84..........its pieces man........small pieces.........weapons check.....helicopter ride...............take cover.......wait...........here they come.........women and children........illegal border crossing to freedom............then ak fire........head shot........face blown off man........they all fell...........bulletss above me tweekin tree limbs.........supress fire..........unloade 90 rounds 16 on 2 muzzle flash........no more flash............................they just layed there........on the other side of the border........cant help..........cnat help......cant help............then i forgot totally for many many many years completely...........until this time last year in group when it came back a little bit and i started pukin right in group..........but ther is no combat record on my dd214........so i am NOT a combat vet.............i lost that whole year because i have DID......and this is a part of me that I have to get right with..........i was given the army achievement medal and a few letters of achievement for other incidents that occurred in peacetime

permission to post without reserve