[BananasFoster]

I found out a couple years ago that I have complex PTSD and everything that I do and have done started to make sense. I have had lots of ups and downs and I have read a lot about the subject as well as regularly see a psychiatrist and a counselor. However, the past couple of weeks I have just sunk so low I'm ready to end it all. I feel like such a burden and a failure that I know things will be better without me. I know I will miss things and people will miss me during things but I just feel like I've overstayed my welcome. Does that make sense? I took an amazing trip with my mother last week and we road tripped across America and all I kept thinking was, "these are going to be great memories for her when I'm gone..." I see my doctor tomorrow and hopefully I get back on a more positive track, but I needed to get this out and couldn't think of anyone to talk to....

[SoupDragon]

Hi BananasFoster,

I am sorry you are having a tough time at the moment. I can relate to those feelings, I was where you described up to about 6 months ago, but at the moment things feel a little better for me and I am glad I didn't listen to the thoughts I was having back then.

I hope the appointment with your doctor went OK and you will soon be back on a more positive track.

Take care, Soup

[peaches100]

BananasFoster,

Please talk to your doctor tomorrow about this. It sounds important. You may be entering a more depressed state. Please take good care of yourself and don't give in to those self-destructive urges. We're here for you if you need to talk more.

Peaches

[baseline]

I had those self destructive urges too Bananas. I too have PTSD and I know about those ups and downs. I feel guilty about how this effects my family and that I am a burden and undeserving of love and compassion. But I have learned to reach out to someone I trust when these feelings become overwhelming. I promise in time they do subside or get easier. Does your mom know how you feel? As a mother I can tell you that we want to help I couldn't imagine life without my children. When my daughter told me about similar feelings I got her the help she needed and she got 100% of our love and understanding! I hope this post finds you feeling better! Big hugs!!!

[RavensPOE]

Originally Posted by BananasFoster

I found out a couple years ago that I have complex PTSD and everything that I do and have done started to make sense. I have had lots of ups and downs and I have read a lot about the subject as well as regularly see a psychiatrist and a counselor. However, the past couple of weeks I have just sunk so low I'm ready to end it all. I feel like such a burden and a failure that I know things will be better without me. I know I will miss things and people will miss me during things but I just feel like I've overstayed my welcome. Does that make sense? I took an amazing trip with my mother last week and we road tripped across America and all I kept thinking was, "these are going to be great memories for her when I'm gone..." I see my doctor tomorrow and hopefully I get back on a more positive track, but I needed to get this out and couldn't think of anyone to talk to....

I think many people assume that by ending their life
it will propell them to a better place, or end their misery.
What if it does not?

I have PTSD from child abuse, along with 30+ years
of Holocaust nightmares. On those nights that I have
4-5 nightmares in an evening, and spend them waiting
in line to be gassed, getting tossed into the crematorium,
or raped by the Third Reich all night long...I wake up
more exhausted than when I went to bed.

Next, it is time to get ready for work, put on a happy face
for my students, and act like all is okay...
As I drive past the silos and grain bins I tell myself
today is the day that I am going to race to the top
and jump off!..As this is not a quality way of life.

I would wish it upon no human being to be raped and
molested as a child for 7 years, followed by 30 years
of horrors with the Holocaust nightmares.

I did not agree to any of this.
None of us agreed to be born.
None of us signed contracts to be here.

My largest fear? Is that if I were to commit suicide
that I get stuck permanately in WW2 forever...
just stuck...standing in the line waiting
to be gassed forever.

You see..none of us agreed to any of it.
Did we?
So, why assume if you take matters into
your own hands that you will get what you want?

There must be a better purpose for us all
vs. suicide.

I think that my purpose in life is to continue on
and to be a Holocaust educator.
I honestly do not know how the survivors
survived..and went on.

It has been a bumpy cruise.
But, I am still standing.

Suicide is not the answer.
Your success...is.

[Open Eyes]

BananasFoster,

Welcome to PC and the PTSD forum. I am sorry to know you are challenged with PTSD. What you have discribed of thinking you are a burden and others would be better off without you there is actually a very common feeling. Please notice that these feelings/thoughts come in waves and are not constant. PTSD can have challenging thoughts and emotions and depressed feelings that comes in cycles/waves/flashbacks.

Even though you have that thought of your mother having that nice memory of you, that is not really true, she would be devastated if you were not there anymore. You must not feed into and entertain these moments when you have these thoughts/feelings. It's ok to acknowledge them, however, what you are discribing takes place in a stage of the PTSD but will slowly go away/ease up a great deal as you work through healing so it's important you are very patient.

It's good that you talked this out though, that is actually part of the healing, experiencing the surfacing of emotional challenges, then working on verbalizing them gradually actually helps to bring some relief.

((Welcoming Supportive Hugs))

OE