[monkeybruv]

I finally wasn't able to carry on with my partner of 3 and a half years, but was doing well enough somehow not to attempt suicide. I was chronically depressed before we met. He also was diagnosed depressed, but I always suspected he had bpd. It was a very painful and dramatic relationship, but my first real love. When we finally broke up, he told me that he was raped constantly by his sister as a child, and finally went to get help in an effort to get me back - he'd refused to tell me about the 'bad thing' that happened before and resisted any help. He was rediagnosed with PTSD. He said he thought I'd become traumatised too, because of our relationship. I was doing weirdly ok in the weeks following our breakup, I convinced myself I was ok now he wasn't there. but a few times drinking I've ended up screaming and crying uncontrollably when I thought I was having fun a few hours earlier. Today I ended up screaming crying without alcohol. I had been feeling just bored lately, it took me by surprise. When I think of him now I feel numb, I feel like it's not about him that I'm crying. I see now why we can't be together but I don't think anyone else will ever be able to understand me without going through what I went through with him. There is someone new in my life now, and I love how he is so carefree but I feel like I'm ruining it with my drama, when there isn't need for any. I feel like I've become my ex. I feel damaged, like someone who isn't me, and I don't know what to do.

[Out There]

These are complex feelings for you - can you see a therapist?

[monkeybruv]

Originally Posted by Out There

These are complex feelings for you - can you see a therapist?

Not yet, maybe in September. I just wish I had someone I could talk to who understood. Even then, my memory is very hazy about the most stressful parts and I find it hard to say exactly what happened.

[leomama]

Originally Posted by monkeybruv

I finally wasn't able to carry on with my partner of 3 and a half years, but was doing well enough somehow not to attempt suicide. I was chronically depressed before we met. He also was diagnosed depressed, but I always suspected he had bpd. It was a very painful and dramatic relationship, but my first real love. When we finally broke up, he told me that he was raped constantly by his sister as a child, and finally went to get help in an effort to get me back - he'd refused to tell me about the 'bad thing' that happened before and resisted any help. He was rediagnosed with PTSD. He said he thought I'd become traumatised too, because of our relationship. I was doing weirdly ok in the weeks following our breakup, I convinced myself I was ok now he wasn't there. but a few times drinking I've ended up screaming and crying uncontrollably when I thought I was having fun a few hours earlier. Today I ended up screaming crying without alcohol. I had been feeling just bored lately, it took me by surprise. When I think of him now I feel numb, I feel like it's not about him that I'm crying. I see now why we can't be together but I don't think anyone else will ever be able to understand me without going through what I went through with him. There is someone new in my life now, and I love how he is so carefree but I feel like I'm ruining it with my drama, when there isn't need for any. I feel like I've become my ex. I feel damaged, like someone who isn't me, and I don't know what to do.

If your ex did indeed have bpd you probably do have PTSD from that relationship. It sounds like you are self medicating. Are you getting any professional help?

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[monkeybruv]

No help at the moment, probably in September when I go back to uni. I'm trying to get off medication at the moment as I think the stress of having to get hold of it abroad and withdrawals when i forget to take it aren't worth it. At the moment I'm struggling being obsessed with my latest relationship. we're long-distance so agreed to make it more casual and i thought that waswhat i needed but I think of him allthetime and feel jealous. I cry, for him and for my ex, and feel a sense of dread thinking of the former out having fun, not thinking of me. I am just so sick of my brain sucking the colour out of everything, i'm so bored of these thoughts and habits.